


Like A Fire, Always Burning, I'll Be Here For You

by nightbloodjyn



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Original Character(s), slow burn kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-11-22 08:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 52,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightbloodjyn/pseuds/nightbloodjyn
Summary: Nadya has a lot on her plate as Inquisitor. Luckily she receives help from Varric's friend, Hawke. Together they will try to save the world... They also find themselves becoming close in the process.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just self indulgent writing that I decided to post. I first made one of my OC's in Dragon Age 2 a while ago and then made her gf in Inquisition and got inspired to write a DA au for them so here we are. It's basically Inquisition but Hawke has a bigger part in it. In this story I'm going to try to be vague about the main plot unless I decide to change something because I don't just want to write out the game. This is the first time I've written something in about two years so forgive me if I'm a bit rusty! Also this is the first time I've had the courage to post any of my work! Hope you all enjoy!

"This is Skyhold..." The castle had seen better days. The air was thick with dust and the main hall was littered with old rotted planks, fallen chandeliers, ripped carpets, a few creaky chairs with tables to accompany them; in contrast to the broken insides the stone walls were sturdier than a work horse and sunlight softly shined through the untouched stained glass windows. The bones were good as Cullen had said. This is the place we all needed, our people would be safe here. 

Our people were suppose to be safe at Haven... I tried to save as many as I could even though I knew in my heart that I couldn't save them all. I could still feel the heat from the fires, how I was drenched in sweat despite the snow surrounding me, the smoke stinging my lungs. People calling to me for help as I fought my way through the infected templars. Everyone calling to me for help. Adan... I thought I got to him in time, but the fires beat me to him...

"Inquisitor?" The sound of my new title shook me out of my thoughts.

"What of Corypheus?" I asked, remembering the monster's words to me; how I stole the mark, how he was working towards becomming a god. A shiver ran down my spine.

"Our agents are working on tracking him down." Leliana chimed in, "And if you're worried about an attack I doubt he will strike any time soon after what you did at Haven with that trebuchet." 

I gave a small nod, "So what's next?"

"We should focus on Empress Celene," Leliana continued "In the strange future you experienced at Redcliffe she had been assassinated. That will likely be Corypheus' next move."

My heart dropped at the thought of that future I experienced. I will not allow that nightmare to happen. I cannot allow it to happen... "Send a warning to the Empress." I commanded, trying out an authoritive tone hoping to convey my determination.

Josephine bowed her head, "Yes, your worship," I winced slightly at the title, but nodded my thanks. "Okay, we have a lot of work to do..." I said, turning my attention back to the ruined castle. 

"I may have someone who can help," Varric's voice rang from behind me. I turned to see the dwarf saunter into the main hall with a small smile on his face that was both amused and slightly guilty.

"Everyone acting all inspirational jogged my memory, so I... sent a message to someone- an old friend," he continued, "She's crossed paths with Corypheus before. She can help."

"I'll take all the help I can get." I said, "Introduce us."

Varric suddenly looked nervous, checking behind him like someone might be eavesdropping. "Parading around might cause a fuss," he said "Its better for you to meet privately." 

He turned to leave, "Trust me its... Complicated."

Once he was out of earshot Leliana mumbled, "If Varric has brought who I think he has... Cassandra is going to kill him."

"Well then," I said, "This should be good..." I moved to follow Varric to meet his mysterious friend. 

 

The cold mountain breeze chilled my bones as I climbed the steps to the battlements. I had a pretty good idea of who I was about to meet with both Varric's and Leliana's remarks fresh in my mind and I prepared myself. 

"She's just up here." Varric said. He must have detected my unease because he followed up the statement with an encouraging smile. 

Once we rounded the corner a woman came into view. Her back was to me as she stared out into the courtyard, observing the bustle of refugees and soldiers. Her blonde hair was mostly loose, falling in waves past her shoulders, apart from being elegantly braided on the left side. Her leather armor was light, the type of armor warriors use when they want to be quick on their feet. Strapped to her back was a pair of deadly looking axes, suitable for throwing and slicing; something told me she could find more than just those two ways to use them...

"Hawke," Varric announced and the woman turned to face us. She was beautiful. Her eyes were blue like the sky at dusk, just dark enough that you could see the stars. She had sharp features and her jaw was set in a way that made me wary of her as I could tell she was wary of me.

"Meet the Inquisitor. Inquisitor, meet Hawke. The Champion of Kirkwall." Varric said the title with pride, but Hawke just rolled her eyes.

I had heard the stories. From everything that she had accomplished I felt like I should be speaking to some sort of demigod, but here she was just a normal woman who couldn't have been more than a few years older than myself. I noticed a scar on the left side of her face that ran vertical from her jawline to her cheek. She could bleed which meant she was mortal unless... Could demigods bleed?

Her eyes were scanning me, sizing me up. Not in a judgemental way, but as if to say 'What have you got?' I cleared my throat, "Pleasure to meet you. Varric tells me you've dealt with Corypheus before?" I asked, going straight to business. 

She gave a curt nod. "I killed the bastard. Grey Wardens had him. He somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them. They basically went mad..."

I let out a sigh, "Most of the Wardens have gone missing recently..."

"Probably that big prick's fault." Hawke sounded more than a little annoyed.

"There must be a way to free them." The thought of more people being controlled by that monster made my blood turn to ice.

"I'm sure its possible." Hawke replied, "Luckily I have a friend in the Wardens who might know more. Last we spoke he said he'd be camped out in Crestwood. If we can find him, he'll help us."

"Then we should make plans for Crestwood." I decided. Both Varric and Hawke nodded in agreement. "Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do."

"Let me know when you're ready to head out. If you don't mind I'll be staying here in the meantime." Hawke said.

"Not at all, any ally of the Inquisition is welcome here." I replied. I paused before turning to leave, "And thank you. You don't have to do this and I greatly appreciate your help." I felt that needed to be said. I had feeling Hawke might not have gotten a lot of thank yous in her life.

"That's where you're wrong. I do have to do this. Corypheus is my responsibility. I'll see to it that the next time he dies he stays dead. Even if I have to die with him..." My heart jumped at the thought of someone else dying. She had said it with such cold determination that I couldn't really think of a reply. Instead we shared a look for a long moment. I realized then that both of us would make that sacrifice if we had to. 

 

After hours of putting Skyhold into some semblance of order and discussing our next move with my advisors, nighttime had arrived. Despite a full day of work and the soreness that still lingered in my muscles from the battle at Haven I found myself not wanting to go to sleep quite yet. Luckily a makeshift tavern had been established in Skyhold. I found it amusing that people wasted no time in setting up the place. It was a barely put together on the inside; old chairs mixed with improvised chairs and tables barely standing up on their own. The bar itself wasn't bad, an impressive collection of bottles were already on display. Overall the place had much room for improvement but for now it worked.

Soldiers and refugees alike were enjoying each other's company, sharing drinks and stories as a bard sang lovely songs by a fireplace. I made my way to the bar were a dwarf greeted me with a tankard of ale. 

"On the house." he said, "But just this once. Don't need you getting a big head." 

I gave him a smile, "Of course. Thank you." I brought the cup to my lips and took a sip. I could tell it wasn't a particularly expensive brew but it satisfied me nonetheless. I made small talk with the bartender, Cabot. He was a man of few words, a bit of a hard-ass, but I liked him. 

About halfway through my drink someone sat in a stool beside me, "So which do you prefer," It was Hawke, "Inquisitor? Herald of Andraste? Your Worship?" She had an amused tone to her voice with a smirk to match it. She still wore her armor, but axes were gone. Although she still kept a hunting knife at her belt.

"Ugh," I took a hearty swig of my ale, "I find titles far too pretentious..." 

She let out a small chuckle and waved to Cabot for a tankard of her own. "What should I call you then?" she asked.

"Nadya." I answered, "And what about you? Should I call you Champion or just stick to Hawke?"

She thought about it for a second. "Well, if I get to use your first name then you might as well use mine I suppose..." She gave me a small smile then, one that I hadn't expected. It really suited her; I found myself wondering how often she smiled. 

"Jayde." She held out her hand to me. "A proper introduction." she stated, "No formal business nonsense..." 

Her handshake was strong, her palm was rough from the weapons she weilded. I matched her strenght as I gripped her hand and shook firmly, she gave me a subtle impressed grin.

"You're a mage?" she asked as she let go of my hand.

My body tensed slightly, "I am." I nodded and waited for her ridicule. 

Instead she said, "My sister was a mage." Her tone was matter of fact, but I caught a hint of sadness in her voice.

Then I remembered Varric's stories. Jayde's sister was an apostate. Varric's book spoke about how much she cared for her sister, how protective she was of her and how she lost her in the Deep Roads. What was her name? Bethany? When everything went to shit in Kirkwall Jayde sided with the mage rebellion. Wether that was to honor her sister or because she believed mages didn't deserve the treatment they recieved was beyond me.

I felt for her loss but she changed the subject before I had a chance to respond; she pointed at my cup. "Need a refill?" she asked as she took a swig from her mug.

I looked into my tankard which was nearly empty, "Oh, um, no... I think one will be enough for me tonight. I don't usually like to drink..." 

"But the world might end because some twisted fucker wants to become a god and suddenly its up to you to stop him because of that mark on your hand." She remarked.

I snorted and gave her a crooked grin, "Yeah, there's a good chance that might be it." 

After a few beats her expression turned serious. "People believe in you. I may have only just met you but from all the evidence I've been given... You are what the world needs. Not just because of the mark." 

Her words completely caught me off guard, "I certainly hope so... There are a lot of times where I feel like I'm in over my head. There is so much at stake..." My eyes lost focus as I stared ahead at nothing in particular. "What if I can't do it?" I downed the rest of my ale.

"Well, just look at what you have accomplished so far," she said while motioning to her surroundings, at the people enjoying themselves with their comrades in this moment of peace. "Have more faith in yourself." 

I pondered her words as I stared into my empty cup. Perhaps she was right. My best didn't save everyone at Haven, but it saved a lot more than what was lost... That had to count for something. I looked around the room. With so many people counting on me, I had to continue to do my best. 

"You won't have to do it alone either, Nadya." Her voice was soft then, soothing. I met her dark eyes and saw that she wasn't just referring to my friends and advisors. 

My thank you came out as a whisper. Her gaze didn't leave mine. I found it hard to look away, but eventually I did.

"I think I should call it a night. We leave for Crestwood in a couple of days." I said as I got up to leave.

"I'll be ready. Sleep well, Nadya. You deserve it." she told me with a small smile. 

"You too, Jayde." I returned her smile with one of my own and turned to leave. As I walked out into the cold night air, my warm breath misting, I still had a grin on my face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did in fact stay up all night to write this so... enjoy!

"How much further?" Traveling always made me ansty. My body was also starting to get sore from riding most of the day, I was very close to calling for a break.

Blackwall sighed, "I've already told you... We will arrive in Crestwood by tomorrow." He didn't even bother to glance back at me from his horse this time.

I looked up at the the sky, searching for the sun in the cloudcover. Spotting the brightest patch in the blanket of grey, I realized it must be early evening. "Can we-" I started, but Blackwall interupted me.

"No, we cannot stop for a break." He said and I gave him a loud groan. Blackwall was like a mentor to me, though I could tell that he was getting frustrated with my childish complaining so I did my best to suck it up. Most of the time.

Dorian found our bickering most amusing, "Tell me Blackwall, were you expecting to become a parent when you joined the Inquisition?" he asked with a smirk.

"Hush, you." I snapped at him. He opened his mouth, but before he could spit out another witty retort I said, "Would you like to fall off your horse?"

"Ooh, someone is cranky today... Did Varric's latest chapter end in a nasty cliffhanger?" Dorian quipped.

"No!" I lied, but after a beat I let out a sigh, "Yes... But that isn't why I am cranky, I'm cranky because we've been traveling for nearly two days and an annoying mustachioed Tevinter keeps pestering me."

"Why, I cannot imagine who you must be referring to." He replied with faux confusion.

Blackwall grumbled ahead of us, "Evidently I am a parent to two children..."

"How about a game of 'I Spy'?" Cole chimed in from behind us where he was riding next to Jayde, who was staying silent, listenting to our banter. "Games are fun." He said like it was a fact we weren't aware of.

"Sounds lovely!" Dorian said enthusiastically, "I will start. I spy with my twinkling eye... A bearded man with a bad attitude."

"Is it Blackwall...?" Cole asked innocently.

"Very good, Cole!" Dorian exclaimed, very pleased. "Now I believe it is your turn." 

As Cole and Dorian went back and forth with their game, Jayde came up on my left, her horse falling in step with mine. "Are all your travels like this?" She asked.

I gave her a slightly guilty look, "Sort of... I admit I am a pain to travel with, been that way since I was little. I love the destinations, but getting from one point to another? It takes too long sometimes. And riding for longer than a few hours is murder on my back. Can't imagine its any better for the horses either..." I said as I gave my mount a reassuring pat. 

She nodded in agreement, giving her own horse a gentle pet. "Traveling with my friends wasn't any better." she admitted with a wistful smile, "Good thing Varric writes painfully riveting stories to keep us busy during our voyages, huh?" She said mockingly.

I let out a laugh, "Oh yes, I definitely couldn't live without them. The drama, the action, the twists, the... incredibly detailed love scenes. Varric is very talented at making me both cringe and crave more at the same time." 

Jayde chuckled, "If I had to describe Varric using only one sentence it would be that." 

We fell in comfortable silence for a while. The cold breeze kept my mind working, tuning out my companion's voices. As I started thinking about how Jayde and Varric have been friends for years I remembered some of her other friends.

"You had another friend in the Grey Wardens didn't you? Other than the one we're going to meet?" I asked.

I could almost feel the air around her suddenly going cold, "He was an ex-Warden when I met him..." 

"What was his name again...?" I proceeded with caution, feeling that I was about to tread into dangerous territory. I was curious, but if she didn't want to continue this conversation I wouldn't push her. 

She let out an icy laugh, "Depends; do you mean him or the demon possessing him? Because I'm pretty sure they were the same person." She said it loud enough and with such bitterness that Cole looked in her direction, his nervousness apparent. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked." The last thing I wanted was to cross a line, but it felt like I already had. 

She shook her head, "No, its not you're fault." Her voice took on a new tone, almost apathetic. "My life was turned into historical facts, something they might teach children in school. It feels like everyone knows everything, and they treat it like some fairy tale... I suppose that's to be expected."

Dorian and Blackwall started listening now as well, "Anders. His name was Anders." Jayde relented. "When I first met him he was helping people, healing them..." It felt like she wanted to say more but it became hard for her. 

"You don't have to continue." I offered, but she shook her head.

"I didn't see it for a long time, but he was crazy. He said there was a spirit inside of him named Justice. For a while it seemed like a good thing, Justice helped take down some awful people." Cole hung onto her words, the similarities between him and Justice so far being pretty obvious. 

"Then Anders blew up an entire Chantry." Disgust dripped from her words. It came back to me; the stories of the Chantry in Kirkwall being practically obliterated. Jayde continued, "I won't pretend to have any love for the Chantry, but that... Killing all those people like that was just... Evil. And he thought that it was going to bring good." 

The story made my stomach turn, reminding me of the conclave... I looked over at Cole and met his horrified expression before he quickly turned away. Blackwall remained silent, and even Dorian didn't have anything to say. 

I struggled for words as well. If I felt this bad just hearing this, I cannot imagine how Jayde must feel. She trusted Anders for years, and to have someone betray you like that... I'm not sure I would be able to trust anyone again.

"It wasn't your fault..." Was all I could think to say, but I meant it. No one could predict if one of their closest friends was going to betray them and blow up an entire building full of unarmed people. Instead of answering me she just gave me a look, guilt and shame hung in her eyes, she still gave me a halfhearted flash of a smile. She didn't say the last part though... How she was the one to kill him. 

 

After finally arriving in Crestwood the next day we ran into a small group of Wardens looking for Jayde's friend, Stroud. They acted odd and I understood Stroud's need to hide. Something definitely wasn't right with them, and hopefully Stroud had answers. Speaking of odd, something wasn't quite right with the entire area. On top of the constant thunderstorm the place was crawling with demons and undead, likely caused by the rift in the middle of the lake. I would have to find a way to drain it with the dam later though. Now we needed to focus on finding Stroud. 

"He said he would be in an old smugglers cave..." Jayde informed us as we searched the area. "Sounds like a man with class." Dorian said sarcastically. 

When Jayde identified a cave as being the one we were looking for I headed inside first. Stalactites and stalagmites grew out of the ceiling and floor of the damp cave. Reaching the final chamber I opened an old wooden door to find a small camp set up. Behind me I heard a blade being unsheathed and turned to see a man in Warden armor holding to point of his sword at me. 

"Easy-" I slowly held up my hands, hoping to placate him.

"Relax." Jayde said forcefully as she entered the room. "It's just us." 

"Inquisition?" The man, who I guessed was Stroud, asked.

"Yes." I answered and he put his sword away, allowing me to lower my hands. Stroud had a bit or a paranoid demeanor, which was understandable. Dorian caught sight of his thick mustache and reached up to stroke his own as if trying to figure out if he should trim his. Blackwall crossed his arms as he sized up his fellow Warden. Cole just kept to himself, trying to stay out of everyone's way. He hadn't said much since Jayde talked about what Anders did, and I was starting to get a little concerned, but my concern would have to wait for now.

"I am at your service." Stroud announced, straightening his posture like a soldier would for his commander.

"Good, I could use your help." I said, accepting his compliance. "What can you tell us?"

Stroud told us of his suspicion that Corypheus may be an archdemon and how he began an investigation that seemed to lead nowhere. Then mentioned that the Grey Wardens had begun to hear the calling, signaling the beginning of another blight. My stomached dropped, Thedas was already in enough chaos. A blight would just be adding a bomb into an already burning down house.

"You didn't think to tell me that?" Jayde sounded angry with Stroud.

"It was Warden business, not yours." He replied matter-of-factly, which led to Jayde giving an exasperated snort, throwing her hands up and shaking her head. "So every Warden is hearing it? Even you?" Jayde asked, Stroud simply nodded.

"Could Corypheus be faking this calling?" I asked. Stroud shrugged, "Does it matter? The Wardens believe it is real." 

I turned to Blackwall, "Are you hearing the calling?" He shook his head slightly, "I do not fear the calling, worrying about it only gives it power." He said. Jayde gave him an odd look then, but before I could dwell on it, Stroud continued. 

"Corypheus is both a magister and darkspawn, if he caused this calling it must be because of his connection to the blight." He said.

"So the Wardens are desprate and think they're going to die... Thats not a good mix." Jayde said.

Stroud agreed and talked about a ritual that the Wardens were planning. They were gathering in the Western Approach, at a ritual tower. Stroud told us he would scout ahead and we should meet him there as soon as possible. 

 

After exiting the cave I turned to look at my compainions, "More traveling then...?" I asked with a tired sigh. Jayde gave me a crooked smile, "We'll just play 'I Spy' the whole way and it will fly by faster than a dragon." She patted my shoulder as she walked by.

Dorian moved to follow her, "I spy with my dazzling eye, a mopey girl with a glowing green hand." 

"Is it Nadya...?" Jayde asked, mimicking Cole's innocent voice from yesterday.

"Yes!" Dorian said, delighted. 

"Oh, great. You too now?" I asked Jayde, both exasperated and intrigued by her playfulness. She glanced back and gave me a wink to match her smirk; that unexpectedly made my heart flutter. 

Cole followed next. As he passed me he said, "I told you games are fun." I gave him an encouraging smile before turning to Blackwall. "Come on 'dad', places to go, people to see, worlds to save." 

"I can do that." He said as he walked with me to the horses. 

 

A few days later we were roughly halfway to the Western Approach, and decided to make camp for the night. After a lovely dinner of locally caught game Dorian, Cole, Blackwall, and I went to our tents and Jayde volunteered for first watch. I tried for a good hour, but sleep didn't come. Finally giving up I exited my tent, hoping that maybe some fresh air and light conversation would do the trick. 

Jayde was sitting on a fallen tree at the edge of the camp, quietly observing the forests surrounding us for any possible threats, her axes propped up beside her ready for an attack. I had no idea how she could see anything out there since it was the middle of the night, but I suppose with help from the moon and letting your eyes adjust, it wouldn't be too difficult. 

Hearing my approach, Jayde startled a bit, "What are you doing? My watch doesn't end for another couple of hours." Her blonde hair looked almost white in the moonlight.

"Couldn't sleep. Mind if I join you? Or if you want I can take over?" I offered.

"No, that won't be necessary." She said, scooting over so I could sit next to her. The bark was rough on my hands, but I didn't mind. I listened to the sounds of the forest for a minute, closing my eyes and taking it all in. Jayde was close enough that I could hear her breathing softly beside me, suddenly I could only focus on that. As I continued to listen I realized just how soothing someone else's breathing can be, I might even be able to fall asleep to it. The thought of falling asleep to Jayde's breathing shook me out of my train of thought though and I opened my eyes, embarrassed. 

She was looking at me, her eyes such a deep blue that they looked black in this lighting, and I couldn't read her expression. "What's on your mind?" She asked quietly. 

The first thing that came to mind was the truth, 'Your breathing lulling me to sleep.' But that would've been an awkward thing to say I think, so instead I went with the next thing that came to mind, "Um... How much I missed this. Camping. My parents used to take me all the time before I had to go to the Circle."

"How old were you when they took you?" She asked. A picture of my mother popped in my head, hugging me as tight as she could, her tears wetting my neck, telling me everything was going to be okay and that she loved me more than anything. Kissing me on the forehead while saying goodbye, the look of utter heartbreak on my father's face scared me. I tried not to think of those memories too much.

"Ten." I told her, my voice straining a bit. "My parents tried their best to keep me as long as they could..." A lump formed in my throat and I coughed in an attempt to get rid of it, but to no avail.

Jayde reached out and grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly, "No one should have to go through that." She had a note of anger in her voice, "The Circle was fucked up. It was barbaric. The work of ignorant pieces of shit that want to hurt anything they don't understand." I realized then why she sided with the Mage Rebellion. It wasn't just for her sister, though that must have been part of it. She knew what happened in Circles and actually cared, which was a lot more than most people. I wasn't entirely surprised by the revelation, but I still looked at her with wide eyes.

Her mouth curved up in a small smile, with the hand that wasn't holding mine, she reached up and brushed away a tear from my cheek that I hadn't realized had fallen. The touch was brief, but it sent a comforting warmth through my body. "We're going to make this world a better place." She told me with enough confidence that I believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always don't be afraid to leave comments!


	3. Chapter 3

"Think we'll see the dragon that Harding mentioned?" I asked my friends as we trudged through the sand. The Western Approach felt like nothing more than endless desert and old ruins, but the Inquisition scouts that were already here informed us of the local threats. One soldier in particular spotted a dragon not too long before we arrived. I had no desire to see one up close, I knew that the odds weren't in our favor in that fight, but I wouldn't mind seeing one from far away... Really far away. 

"As someone who has fought a dragon, pray that we don't." Jayde told me.

"I don't want to give it a pet and take it home, I just want to see one in person. From a safe distance of course, maybe with a spyglass." I said. 

"Dragon watching..." Jayde contemplated, "A more extreme version of bird watching?" A crooked grin appeared on her face, "I can get into that." She decided.

"Certainly there are better places for it though," Dorian chimed in, "This horrid heat is driving me mad." 

"Definitely." I replied, feeling sweat drip down my back. Our destination wasn't far now, and I wanted to get this done as soon as possible. 

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the movement of a small animal in the brush a few feet to my left. I turned my head to see another fennec fox... Or maybe the same one from the Inquisition camp? The creature's fur was almost the same shade as the sand and brush around it, hopefully keeping it camouflaged from predators. Its ears were much too large for it's head, which made the little fox's pointed face all the more adorable. 

It's golden eyes met mine and I couldn't resist giving the creature a little wave, "Hello, there!" I greeted it with a grin on my face. It's ears perked up, and its body became still, trying to decide if I was a threat.

"Don't worry, I'm just saying hi." I told it even though it couldn't understand me. Jayde came up beside me and tapped my arm to get my attention. She held her hand out to me, her fist closed around something. "Here." She said, but her attention was on the little fox, a small smile on her lips.

I opened my hand and she placed a small piece of jerky in my palm. My grin got bigger as I understood that it was for the fennec. Turning back to the small creature I said, "Here you go, buddy." And tossed the jerky toward it. The fox jumped back a bit as the meat hit the ground, and it tentatively sniffed at it. Realizing the jerky was food te creature quickly chomped down. 

"Oh, don't do that... Now it will follow us all the way back to Skyhold..." Blackwall chastised us, albeit halfheartedly. 

I rolled my eyes, "It was just a little snack, don't worry." I waved goodbye to the fennec, continuing our walk. 

Cole looked very pleased, "He is grateful." He told us.

"I'm glad." Jayde said satisfied, and fell in pace with me. 

"You say that now, but tonight you'll most likely wake up from a dead sleep to find our flee-ridden friend has snuck into your tent and has become your new sleep companion..." Dorian quipped. 

Jayde shrugged, "I've had worse." 

"I'm sensing a story there." Dorian replied, "You must tell me!" 

Jayde laughed, "Maybe once we're back at Skyhold and we've had a few drinks." 

"I'll hold you to that." Dorian said. Even though Jayde was technically still a new edition to our group, it felt she was starting to become part of the team. I found myself hoping that she thought the same, and maybe she would want to stick with us for a while. 

 

Nearly an hour later we ran into Stroud near a structure that sat on the edge of a canyon. The tower wasn't too tall, spires reached into the sky, accompanied by statues standing guard. Even though it was old, the structure held up nicely. The closer we got the more potent a strange coppery odor was... I realized it was blood.

Stroud looked troubled, "You made it. Good. I fear they have already begun the ritual." He told us.

Jayde scowled, "Blood magic..." She said in a low voice; I guessed that was in reference to the stench. She stood up straighter, her hands started to clench and unclench, her jaw locked tight, her eyes turned cold. She was preparing for a fight. 

"Let's go." I said. Walking up the steps of the tower I saw a flash of green that could only mean a rift was being opened, I made brief eye contact with Jayde, conveying my concern and we picked up the pace. 

Arriving at the ritual we were greeted with the scene of a small handful of Grey Wardens calling demons through the rift and performing blood magic to bind them. Horrific looking demons stood by, waiting for commands from the Wardens. The bodies of the Grey Wardens used for the ritual lay on the floor, their blood seeping through the cracks in the bricks. I grimaced at the sight. At the head of the altar was a man in white robes, instructing the Wardens. Upon seeing our arrival he held up his hands in mock a greeting.

"Inquisitor! What an unexpected pleasure." He bowed, "Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, at your service." 

Ignoring him, I turned my attention to the Wardens, "This man is lying to you!" I shouted, getting to the point, "He serves an ancient Tevinter magister who wants to unleash a blight." 

Erimond only seem amused, "Thats a very serious accusation... Lets see what the Wardens have to say." Then he addressed the group of men he was instructing, "Wardens! Hands up!" He commanded and when he raised his hand, all of the Wardens did the same, "Hands down!" Erimond put his hand down and the others followed, then he watched for my reaction. 

I shook my head, realizing the situation went from bad to worse, my disbelief must've shown because Erimond looked far too pleased with himself. 

Next to me I could tell Jayde was nearly about to spring, "Fucking shit..." She hissed under her breath. 

Erimond launched into a monologue, explaining how they tricked the Grey Wardens into to raising a demon army; making them believe they could use it to march into the Deep Roads and kill the Old Gods before they could be corrupted into archdemons, thus ending any future blights.

I laughed bitterly to myself, again remembering the future I'd seen at Redcliffe, "Well, I guess this is when the demon army shows up..." Erimond faltered slightly at my statement, surprised that I knew, before jumping back into his speech.

"Sadly for the Wardens, the binding ritual I taught their mages has a side effect. They're now my master's slaves." He said with glee. "This here was a test. Once the rest of the Wardens complete the ritual, the army will conquer Thedas." 

"I cannot believe the Wardens were actually stupid enough to think something like this would work." Jayde growled, her eyes firmly locked on the man. I wasn't sure how much longer she would last before lunging at the Tevinter lord. 

Erimond shrugged, "Fear is a very good motivator, and they were very afraid." He said. 

Blackwall finally spoke up, "The Grey Wardens are heroes! They would never do something like this!" 

Erimond continued, "All they care about is stopping blights, no matter the cost." 

"Enough of this!" I shouted, "Release the Wardens from the binding and surrender. I won't ask twice." I put as much force into my voice as possible, though I knew it wouldn't sway him.

Erimond sneered at me and said, "No. You won't." He raised his hand in my direction and the mark on my hand painfully flared up. I cried out as it sparked, the pain making my vision blur, shooting up my arm and forcing me to my knees.

I think I heard Jayde call my name. In a blink she kneeling beside me, her hand on my back. I tried to looked at her, but another shock of pain racked my body and I cried out again. Suddenly I was on my side, clutching my left wrist, trying my best to will the pain to stop. After a few moments I think I felt it working...

Erimond started another speech, but I was too busy focusing on the mark to listen to it, not that I wanted to anyway. I almost couldn't believe it; slowly but surely the mark was returning to my control, the pain starting to fade. Jayde gave my arm a reassuring squeeze before she stood up, murder in her eyes. 

"Fuck this guy." She said, reaching for her axes on her back, and moving to stand in front of me. Before she attacked I found the strength to stand up. I reached out, breaking his hold on me and the force pushed him back, knocking him off his feet. 

Shock was written all over his face as he scrambled back upright. Jayde turned back to look at me; seeing that I was on my feet and ready for action a big grin appeared on her face. "Kill them!" Erimond commanded the Wardens as he made a run for it. With a dozen enemies now standing between us and Erimond, he would get away for sure, but this wasn't over.

There was half a heartbeat before all hell broke loose. Jayde was the first to react; she raised her axes and charged at the nearest Warden, parrying his sword strike with one axe while burying the other in his neck with frightening speed. I readied my staff and faced off with a couple of the demons; reaching a hand into the sky I called a small lightning storm and rained bolts down on my foes, Dorian backing me up with a cold storm spell. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Blackwall and Cole flanking a warrior, Blackwall keeping his attention as Cole went in for a jab. I couldn't see Stroud, but I heard metal clanging against metal behind me and figured he was occupied. 

A few more shots from my staff took down the two demons, electricity charging the air, sending my teeth on edge. A soldier dropped next to me, I hadn't even noticed he was that close; the blade of an axe was buried deep in his back. I searched for Jayde; her attention had already turned back to the enemies nearest to her, fighting with one axe now instead of two. A Warden mage was training in on her while she was busy sinking her axe into the shoulder of one Warden and kicking another one away. I raised a magic shield around Jayde half a second before the mage shot a fireball at her. She was protected from any damage, but the blast still caught her attention. She was too far from the mage, she wouldn't have enough time to run up to him before he cast another spell against her so she threw her axe with deadly accuracy. The blade sank into the man's skull, stopping him dead in his tracks, and he crumpled to the ground.

I reached down and wrapped my hand around the handle of the axe sticking out of the dead Warden that lay at my feet, yanking it free and grimacing at the blood. "Jay!" I called to her. She locked eyes with me I tossed her axe back to her, handle first, and she caught it effortlessly, turning to slice the neck of the last Warden. Just a couple demons remained now and I quickly disposed of them with a final fire rune spell. 

Besides all our heavy breathing, the ritual tower went quiet. "Is everyone okay?" I asked, looking around at my companions. I received a few nods in response. 

"Are you?" Jayde replied, swiftly walking up to me. She reached out for my left hand, hesitating for a moment before wrapping her fingers around my wrist and gently lifting it up to inspect my hand. I couldn't tell if my heart was pounding now because the adrenaline was still pumping through me or for other reasons. Her knuckles were bruised and bloody; she brushed a thumb against my palm, the touch calmed my nerves a bit. Her brow furrowed in concern. "I'm- I'm okay." I told her and her eyes met mine again, staying there for a beat. 

Stroud interrupted, "I believe I know where the Wardens are, Inquisitor. Erimond fled in the direction of an abandoned fortress, Adamant. It used to be a Grey Warden fortress." He said.

Jayde let go of me and I felt a pinch of disappointment at the loss of her touch. She looked at Stroud, "Okay. You and I should scout it out. Make sure the Wardens are actually there." Stroud nodded in agreement.

"I- We'll come with you," I replied, but Jayde shook her head. "No, you four should go back to Skyhold. Inform your advisors about what's happening. They need to be prepared if worse comes to worst." 

I knew she was right but I didn't like the idea of her and Stroud going out there to scout an enemy fortress by themselves. Jayde must've sensed my concern because she added, "We'll be back at Skyhold as soon as possible. I promise." 

I sighed, "Okay... Be careful." I said. She gave me her usual small smile and squeezed my arm. She turned to leave, not wanting to waste any time, grabbing her other axe that was still lodged in the mage's head on the way out. "I'll see you soon." She called over her shoulder. 

 

Two days after we arrived back in Skyhold, Blackwall woke me up too early for a training session. Weeks back I mentioned my irrational fear of losing my magic, while highly unlikely I realized that a lot of very unlikely things were happening lately so I asked him to train me in more mundane combat. Blackwall was more than happy to oblige and I was grateful to him. Although I could do without the early morning calls, even if it was distracting me a bit from worrying about Jayde. 

"Its dangerous to rely only on one thing," He told me, "'Cause one day you may find that that one thing isn't there anymore and then what are you going to do? Best to be prepared for anything." 

He had set out a hefty collection of weapons to choose from so I could find one that I would be most comfortable with. There were longswords, short swords, daggers, bows, axes, war axes, spears, and more that I couldn't even name. 

"Did you clear out the entire armory?" I asked, still struggling to take in the assortment of blades, the morning sun glinting off all the metal and nearly blinding me. Blackwall simply chuckled and motioned toward the weapons, "Go on. Have a go at a few." 

The first weapon I approached was a rather large longsword, I was drawn in by the size, but the hilt was ornate and beautiful. "You're small, but that's no excuse to not wield a sword that's taller than you if you wish." Blackwall said. Grabbing the hilt with both hands I held it up. It was lighter than I was expecting, but that didn't mean I didn't struggle to hold it. I felt that with enough practice I would become accustomed to the weight. It still didn't feel quite right though. I would be too slow swinging this thing around, I wanted to be quick.

Next I tried a spear, which was the closest thing to my staff, but it felt too similar to what I was used to. I wanted to broaden my skills a little more than that. Now that I was starting to get an idea of what I wanted, I headed towards the short swords. I found one about two feet in length with a double edge and a leather handle that fit nicely in my hand. Giving it a few satisfying swings I smiled and turned to Blackwall, who beamed at me. 

"Nice choice, that. Come on. I show you how to use it." He waved for me to follow him over to the practice area. I felt almost like a kid learning a new trick. 

A couple hours later, Blackwall called for a break. He went and sat on a chair next to the stables, took a large drink of water and said, "You're a fast learner. A few more sessions and you'll do great with that blade in battle if you need it." 

"I hope that's true. Thank you for helping me, Blackwall." I said. 

"Anytime. Here, drink some water." He handed me a cup of my own and I greedily gulped it down. While pouring myself another cup full, I glanced at the entrance to Skyhold again. I had been doing it all morning, telling myself it was for other reasons than the one reason I was actually doing it. I knew Blackwall noticed, but he hadn't said anything about it, only tried to get me to focus. 

"She'll be back, just like she said." Blackwall finally spoke up, taking another sip of his water. 

"What?" I tried to act confused, though I wasn't really sure why.

"You don't have to be embarrassed, you know. Not with me. Its perfectly normal to fancy someone." He told me like a parent that was having 'The Talk' with their child for the first time. 

About a thousand thoughts flooded my mind in an instant then, coming out in an awkward noise rather than words. Blackwall just sat there as I stuttered for a few moments trying to compose myself. 

"That's ridiculous!" I finally said, "I've barely known her for, what, two weeks? How can anyone fancy someone they've only known for that short of a time period? That's just- Its ridiculous." 

Blackwall shrugged, "Is it? In my experience every... Encounter with someone you're attracted to is different. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes weeks, even days. Hell, for some people its only hours. It just happens and its nothing to be ashamed of." 

"And how are you so certain that is what's happening here? I could just be concerned for my friend." I snapped. 

Blackwall raised his hands in surrender, "I didn't mean to offend. I could be wrong, I can't tell you how you feel. I just meant that if you were to fancy a particular woman, I won't say who, I would support you and be there for you if you ever needed to talk about it." 

I let out a long sigh, feeling guilty for snapping at him, "I'm sorry..." He simply nodded at me and then we fell into a silence for a few minutes, letting me think about what he said. Maybe he was right, I had no idea in that moment. Should I talk to her about this when she gets back? I didn't know. I stared into my water, but found no answers there.

I was starting to get buried in my uncertain thoughts, "I think I should go wash up..." I told Blackwall, placing my cup back on the table and walking away. I had a meeting with my advisors later today, I should focus on that instead...

 

As much as I disliked the stress of a meeting, the war room in Skyhold was gorgeous. Tall stained glass windows colored the sunlight that shone through, illuminating the giant map marked with points of interest on the table. If I was by myself with a good book, this place would be perfect.

"There will be a ball two weeks from now in Halamshiral at the Winter Palace." Josephine informed me, reading from her notes. "Empress Celene will be there." 

"She's throwing a ball knowing that there may be an assassination attempt soon?" I asked. Josephine paused, looking nervous. "You did, in fact, send her a warning?" I pushed, not liking the expression she was giving me.

"I did. I sent multiple letters, but no response." She said.

"Someone must have intercepted them." Leliana remarked.

"So do you think the assassination will be attempted at the ball?" Leliana nodded, "Most likely." She answered.

"Josephine, can you work on getting us invitations? Sounds like we will just have to inform the Empress in person." I asserted. 

"Already working on it, your worship." No matter how many times I told her not to, she still called me that. I suppose it was just a formality. One that I would evidently have to get used to. 

The large door to the war room creaked open behind me, the sound echoing throughout the chamber. Turning around I saw Stroud, covered in soot and blood though there weren't any major wounds on him, looking almost frightened. Apart from the elf that announced his presence he was alone. 

My brain started connecting the dots and suddenly my heart tripled its speed in the span of a few beats, "Where is she...?" I asked, my voice wavering slightly. Holding my breath I prepared for the worst.

Thankfully Stroud addressed me first, "The infirmary. She's alive." 

I allowed relief to wash over me, letting out a shaky breath I leaned on the war table for a moment. 

"What happened?" Cullen interjected. 

"Venatori ambush. They-" Stroud was cut off by Cullen, "Inquisitor!" He shouted as I stormed out of the room with purpose. 

"Catch me up later!" I called back, my stride not faltering.

The jog to the infirmary felt like it took ages, my mind going through the possible injuries Jayde could have that would force her into the infirmary, thinking about the amount of blood I saw on Stroud. Maybe that wasn't all her blood... Maker, I hope that wasn't all her blood. Why was I so scared?

Shoving the door open with my shoulder, I entered a large room full of cots where people lay, healers tending to them. Some were ill, but most were wounded from battle. Up against one wall was a large cupboard full of various potions and tonics for the patients. At the far end I spotted Jayde on a cot, a healer cleaning her wound. 

When I reached her I saw just how awful she looked. Her face was pale, a bruise on the corner of her mouth and her bottom lip split. Sweat was making her hair stick to her forehead. She seemed to be barely conscious, writhing in pain as the healer took a wet rag to her stomach to wash the blood off. Her blood stained shirt was rolled up to expose her stomach and I looked down to see a long jagged cut going up her abdomen. Most of the blood was dry, meaning the bleeding must have slowed down, but parts of the injury looked discolored, which likely meant infection. The sight broke my heart, but I knew she stood a chance being here with all the healers and medicine.

"How is she?" I asked the healer. He looked momentarily startled to be in the presence of the Inquisitor, but he quickly returned to his work and examined the wound again now that most of the blood was out of the way. 

"It doesn't look too deep... She's lost a fair amount of blood and there's an infection but... with all the tools we have here, she should live. I just need to finish cleaning out the wound, stitch her up and give her some potions." His diagnosis calmed my pounding heart a bit more.

"And her recovery time?" I grabbed a chair and sat next to the bed, placing the back of my hand on her forehead. The fever was high, but I knew it was nothing she couldn't get through. 

"With plenty of rest and medicine, she should be back on her feet in about a week I'd say." He estimated, getting his kit ready. 

"Nadya..." Jayde said weakly, finally noticing I was here. She reached out for me and I grabbed her hand, lacing my fingers with hers. "Hey." I greeted her softly. 

"I messed up, huh?" She said with a flash of a grin, her voice hoarse. 

"Not nearly as bad as you could have." I told her, caressing the back of her hand with my thumb. 

"We may want to put her to sleep before I start..." The healer suggested.

"Is that what you want?" I asked her and hoped that she would say yes. She agreed and I looked to the healer, giving him my go ahead. He quickly set off to collect the things he needed. 

"Are you going to stay?" Jayde asked me quietly, struggling to keep her eyes focused on me.

"Do you want me to?" She nodded, her grip on my hand tightening ever so slightly, "Please." She said.

Jayde hardly seemed like the kind of person to be scared of being alone. Well, Jayde didn't really seem like the kind of person to be scared by much of anything, but the expression on her face told me otherwise in this moment. Her condition must have made it difficult to keep her guard up, I decided. 

"I'll be here." I told her. I almost found it laughable that she felt the need to ask me to stay when the only way I would leave right now is if she told me to go. 

The healer returned with the rest of his tools and a small vile of liquid, "Here drink this." He handed it to Jayde and she shakily brought it up to her lips, tipping the vile back and downing it. "That should knock you out for at least a few hours." She looked relieved, and after a few moments her eyes fluttered shut, her hand going slack in mine. 

 

When the healer finished the procedure I told him I would stay with her and watch for any worsening symptoms if they occurred. 

"Thank you." I tried to convey the level of gratitude I felt as he cleaned up the mess.

"Just doing what I came here to do, Inquisitor." He simply stated, turning away to tend to his other patients. 

I looked at Jayde, despite the bandages wrapped around her torso and the bruise on her face, she looked peaceful. Her breathing steady, in a deep sleep that I figured she probably needed. 

A few minutes later I heard a voice beside me, "How is she doing?" I jumped at the sound of Stroud's question, not noticing him arrive. 

"She'll pull through." I told him and his shoulders slumped in relief. He stood there awkwardly for a little while trying to think of what to say.

"She saved my life..." He admitted, "I was the one who messed up." Stroud sounded miserable. "I'm sorry." 

I shook my head, "I'm sure she doesn't blame you." 

"I was apologizing to you as well, Inquisitor..." Stroud said. I gave him a questioning look, but he didn't offer an explanation.

"Well... I don't blame you either." Another awkward silence filled our space. 

Stroud decided to break the silence by informing me of their findings during their scouting mission. The Wardens were gathering at Adamant and preparing for their ritual. It looked like things were still in early development so we had time to coordinate an attack on the fortress, but we couldn't wait forever. On their way back they got ambushed by Venatori, the surprise attack nearly overwhelmed them and Jayde took a hit for Stroud. He bound her wound as best he could and rushed her back to Skyhold as fast as possible, bringing us to where we were now. 

"Your advisors have my full report." Stroud said, finishing his briefing. 

"Thank you, Stroud." He bowed, giving Jayde one last remorseful look and left.

An hour later, Varric came to visit. When I told him what happened he cursed, "Cowards." He spat. "She's come back from worse. When she's up and about we'll make the Tevinter bastards pay." He promised and I nodded slightly.

"I heard you were staying with her," Varric noted, handing me a stack of paper, "So I brought you this. The next chapter." I laughed and gratefully accepted. 

"Let me know when she wakes up, will you? In the meantime I have a few more copies of that to hand out..." I promised to send word and Varric returned to his escapades. 

The new chapter kept me entertained, but I finished it all too quickly. Soon I had begun to doze off in the chair I was sitting in. Folding my arms underneath my head I leaned on Jayde's cot figuring a quick nap couldn't hurt. Closing my eyes, I let my breathing match hers and soon I fell asleep. 

I didn't know how long I was out for, but I woke up to someone lazily running their hand through my hair. I slowly came to, feeling just how tired I was, and remembering the events of the day. Realizing the hand belonged to Jayde, I immediately perked up. She met my startled gaze with a grin. She still looked pretty bad, but some color had returned to her face. 

"Hey." She sounded tired, although better than earlier. 

"How are you feeling?" I tried to tone down my excitement, reaching out to touch her forehead. Her fever had gone down, she was still a little too warm but she was improving. 

"Uh... I've been better. Have you been here all day?" She asked

I looked around for a window and saw the night sky through the glass, I must have slept for at least a couple hours. "I think so... " She sighed and I quickly added, "I didn't want to leave, not until you woke up at least."

"Can I stand up?" She didn't wait for an answer before making an attempt. Jayde gasped in pain when she tried to push herself up. I put a hand on her shoulder and gently eased her back down. "No, you can't. Not yet." 

She let out a frustrated noise, "When?" 

"Maybe in a couple days you can try again. You can't leave the infirmary for at least a week, though." I said.

"You're fucking kidding..." She said, glaring at the ceiling.

"Just be patient, get some rest. You'll be good to go before you know it." I encouraged her. I got up to get her some water. As she took a slow sip I couldn't stop myself from yawning. 

"Nadya, go get some sleep. In your bed." I started to argue, but she cut me off, "I'll be fine here. I'm so exhausted that I may just fall back asleep myself." 

She locked eyes with me and even in her weakened state, she stared me down. I finally relented, my own exhaustion taking over, "Alright..." I reached out her forearm, brushing my thumb against her skin. "I'll be back in the morning to check on you, okay?" I wasn't really asking for permission, I had a feeling she knew that.

"I'd like that." She said, a small smile on her face. That smile was starting to make my heart flutter more, "Sleep well, Nadya."

"You too, Jayde." I replied, gently squeezing her hand before I reluctantly left for my chambers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

My fingers tapped relentlessly on the wooden surface of the table. They had even adapted a steady rhythm that nearly distracted me from my task. The various jars of herbs sat on the shelves before me and I stared them down thinking my gaze would elicit an answer from them. I was met with nothing apart from the crackling of the fire and the chef swiftly chopping vegetables behind me. 

Part of the morning routine I had developed in Skyhold included coming to the kitchen for tea. Today I thought it would be nice to bring Jayde a cup as well, but I had no clue what she liked if she even liked tea at all. So I found myself here in the kitchen trying to come up with the best guess I could make only for my brain to be unsure and indecisive. 

Behind me the chopping stopped, "Do you need assistance with anything, Inquisitor?" The chef tried to sound polite, but I could tell that I was starting to invade her space. 

"No, thank you." I gave her a guilty look, "I'll be out of your hair soon, I promise..." Making a decision, I reached for the spiced jar figuring it wouldn't be too bad if Jayde and I had the same type of tea today. I made a mental note to ask what her favorite kind is when I see her. 

"She likes mint with honey." The sudden sound of Cole's voice right next to me nearly made me jump out of my skin. I fumbled the jar in my hands comically like a poor juggler, thankfully the lid was firmly sealed. Managing to both regain my composure and save the jar, gently placing it on the table, I slowly turned to Cole.

"I really need to put a bell on you..." I said, my heart recovering from the surprise. "Now, what did you say?" 

"You want to know what tea she likes. Her favorite is mint with a spoonful of honey." I had a feeling he hadn't asked Jayde for that answer. Cole's way of knowing just what you need when you needed it never ceases to fascinate me. No doubt many people found it unsettling, but I was always grateful for his insight. All he wanted to do was help after all.

"Oh! Thank you." I told him, grabbing the mint leaves before pausing, "How are you, Cole?" I asked, realizing I hadn't really spoken with him since returning to Skyhold.

He shifted awkwardly on his feet, his large hat hiding most of his face, "I am good. I am helping people and that makes me feel good." He sounded mostly confident in his words but I caught a hint of something else... Uncertainty? Fear?

"You can talk to me if there's ever anything that's bothering you. You know that, right?" He gave a subtle nod, though I sensed that something was on his mind. Whatever it was he didn't feel inclined to share it with me yet and I didn't want to push him. 

Movement to my right caught my attention. The chef gathered the small collection of herbs I set out, moving to the other side of the kitchen where two mugs were waiting on a table.

"There's no need for that! I can make it myself." She held her hand up dismissively, "No worries, my lady. It will go faster if I do it anyway." 

My shoulders slumped, realizing she was probably right. I turned back to Cole and found the space next to me was empty, no sign that he was ever there. I pursed my lips, hoping I hadn't scared him away. 

A few minutes later the cook presented me with the two mugs filled with fresh hot tea, the beautiful mix of smells sent a warm feeling through me. Thanking her, I eagerly accepted them and set off to the infirmary, careful not to spill any of the precious liquid on the way.

Jayde was sat up in her cot, supported by pillows and looking rather irked, which I guessed was due to her current situation. When she caught sight of me though her face lit up, or as much as it could light up having just started to really recover from her injuries. She was improving though, I could tell by the way she shifted her body with only a brief grimace, how most of the color had returned to her face. 

I placed the mugs on a small table next to the bed and pulled up a chair, "How are you feeling today? You're sitting all the way up I see." 

"It was a compromise." She told me, I raised an eyebrow in question. Jayde looked guilty, "I tried to get up by myself. The healer stopped me and I may have gotten into a small argument with him so..." She motioned at herself. "Compromise." 

"Jay..." I sighed, handing her the cup of mint tea.

"I can't stand this is all!" She said, accepting the cup and thanking me, "I'm utterly useless right now..." 

"I know you hate it. I would probably feel the same if I were in your position, but you will heal faster if you let yourself take it easy for just a few days." I told her calmly.

"I know... You're right." She sniffed at the mug in her hands, her brow furrowing slightly before she brought the cup to her lips to take a sip. 

Noticing the tea was exactly what she liked, Jayde gave me a quizzical look, "How did you know?"

I wasn't sure how she would react to the truth, but I didn't have any desire to lie to her, "Uh, Cole told me. I was standing in the kitchen trying to decide what to get for you, but I had no idea. Cole showed up and helped me out..." I tensed a little, hoping that it didn't offend her.

The fact that Cole basically read her mind for this information didn't seem to bother her all that much. Her lips curled up in a sweet smile, pacifying any concern that I had. 

"Well, thank you. It's been too long since I've had a good cup of tea. I guess when you're constantly on the move its hard to get decent drinks" She told me, taking another sip.

"That's where you went after Kirkwall? Everywhere?" I asked, grabbing my own cup of tea and taking a swig, enjoying the sweet mix of spices settling on my tongue. 

She nodded, "I heard the Chantry might be sending an Exalted March to Kirkwall to put the rebellion down. I thought leaving was the best for everyone; force the Divine to focus on coming after me... Turns out I didn't need to do that. All the circles started rising up, and the Exalted March never came." She was explaining this to me in a matter of fact tone even though her words were tied to such chaotic events. I wasn't sure how she managed that, I still tripped up when I talked about the conclave.

"Were you alone?" She hadn't brought any companions with her to Skyhold, and the thought of her travelling by herself all this time sent a stab of pain through me. 

"Not in the beginning... But after a while we went different ways. I still try to keep in touch with my closest friends like Varric and Aveline, but the rest of them are either dead or scattered to the wind..." Melancholy laced through her words. A need to reach out and touch her, to comfort her, bloomed in my chest. I didn't want to show her pity, merely let her know I was there for her. 

Unable to resist the urge, I reached for her arm, hesitating for half a second before I gently placed my hand on her forearm. Just as I had the night before, lightly brushing my thumb across her skin. Jayde looked down at my hand, her lips parting and my eyes lingered on her mouth for a few seconds. I got another urge then, one that caught me off guard and made my heart skip a beat. This impulse I wouldn't act on. 

I swallowed, trying to clear my head, "Can I ask you something?" 

Her gaze met mine and I was surprised to see she looked a little flustered, "You can always ask me anything you want." She told me.

I looked down with a flash of a smile, "That's why I wanted to ask you this... Why do you trust me so much?" 

Jayde stared at me for a few seconds, then set her cup down on the table next to her; when she put her hand on top of mine, her palm was warmer than usual from the steaming tea, "Listening to Varric speak about you it was obvious he believes in you and trusts you wholeheartedly. Varric is one of my dearest friends and when someone I love believes in someone like Varric believes in you? I don't take that lightly. I figured worse case scenario you were just full of shit." 

I let out a short laugh, "Maybe I am. How can you be sure?" I asked playfully.

Jayde grinned at me and shook her head, "You're not." Her index finger started moving in slow circles on the back of my hand, "Spending time with you and seeing everything you've done and what you're working for... You're the kind of person they write songs about." Her eyes didn't leave mine for a long moment, nearly making me forget how to breathe.

"And you aren't?" I asked.

"I don't believe most people would think so... Some may even believe I helped plunge the world into chaos." She looked down, her tone a mix of bitterness and shame, like she resented the people who blamed her but also in some measure agreed with them. Anger bubbled in me as I got offended on Jayde's behalf. I hadn't been in Kirkwall when the uprising happened, but I knew what went down. Knight-Commander Meredith going Templar crazy, First Enchanter Orsino turning himself into a horrific abomination; Jayde was the one to put an end to both of them. People had the gall to say she was to blame?

"I don't believe that." I told her with surety, "What happened in Kirkwall was awful and you made the best decisions you could in that situation. I think if you hadn't interfered, it would have been a lot worse." Her eyes were firmly locked on me, listening intently, "Fuck anyone who says otherwise." I don't use curse words often so I was surprised at how naturally it came out.

Jayde's eyebrows shot up in shock at my sudden choice of profanity, a crooked grin forming on her lips, "I was beginning to think you didn't have it in you to swear like that." She lightly squeezed my wrist.

I rolled my eyes, "I swear... Sometimes. When I want to. Just happens I don't feel the need that often." 

"Or maybe I'm starting to rub off on you a bit." Jayde said jokingly.

"There is that possibility." I couldn't help but smile.

A young man entered the infirmary then, making a straight shot towards me, "Pardon me, your worship." He bowed, "Your advisors have requested your presence in the war room."

"Um, of course. Thank you." He bowed once more and took his leave. I sighed and turned back to Jayde. 

She spoke before I could, "Go do your job. I'll be here." I nodded and we let go of each other, as I stood up I tried to ignore the pang of disappointment at the lack of her touch.

As I moved to leave she grabbed my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. Those deep blue eyes met mine again, "Thank you." She said quietly, "For the things you said. I hope one day I believe them too." She held onto me for a moment longer before releasing her grip, allowing me to go fulfill my duties for the day.

 

Leliana, Cullen, and Josephine explained that we most likely wouldn't have time to attack Adamant Fortress before the ball at Halamshiral. We couldn't afford to miss the event, if Celene were to be assassinated that would cause far too many problems and we were barely handling the ones we had now. 

"Adamant will have to wait." I decided, staring at the spot on the map where the fortress was marked.

"It's not ideal, but I think we will manage when the time comes." Cullen agreed, "But when we stop the assassination we should move on Adamant as soon as possible." 

"You're right. In the meantime we must prepare for Halamshiral. Regardless of whether or not we get an invitation we're going anyway." I wasn't willing to move on this decision. 

I was pleased that none of my advisors argued. We discussed a few more small subjects before ending the session. Josephine handed me a stack of books and papers for me to study; on the Empress and the guests that would be attending the ball. I knew this sort of thing needed to be done, but I dreaded the fact that this meant I would be stuck in my chambers for the rest of the night. 

 

A few days passed; I spent as much time with Jayde as I could. In fact, when I wasn't preoccupied with Inquisition business or training I was in the infirmary. Her recovery was going quicker than expected, she could sit up by herself now with little pain or difficulty. She asked the healer if she could walk around Skyhold. He seemed hesitant but was convinced when I told him I would be with her, knowing I wouldn't allow her to strain herself. 

He recommended that he change her bandage before we left. She sat up and lifted her shirt to expose her abdomen and the healer removed the old bandages while I hovered close to get a look at her condition. The sewn gash looked far better than it had when I first saw it, the only discoloration was some redness around the cut. 

"We may be able to remove the stitches in a few days time..." The healer said, applying a fresh poultice. 

"The sooner the better." Jayde replied, her patience with her wound had been wearing thin. 

"It's definitely gonna scar." I noted, the healer grabbing fresh bandages and proceeding to wrap them around Jayde's torso.

She shrugged, "I already have more than a few. What's one more?" 

The healer finished his work and set us off. I made Jayde take a slow pace as we made our way to the gardens. She seemed to be handling movement alright by herself, but I was ready to hold her up if she needed it. I thought about her comment about scars, curious about the ones I hadn't seen. I looked at the one on the left side of her jaw, wondering if it would be rude to ask, but I remembered what she had told me the other day.

"How did you get that?" I asked, pointing at the spot on my face where it was on hers. My own scar rested a few inches above where my finger had tapped.

She blinked before realizing what I was asking, "Oh, that was given to me by the Arishok. That was... Not an easy fight. I'm pretty sure he was bigger than the Iron Bull." 

I whistled, "No wonder they call you Champion."

She snorted, and we continued to walk a few more paces, "What about yours?" She asked.

My fingertips went to my scar, the knife slash wasn't deep and had faded some after the years, but it was still noticeable, "Um..." I struggled to find the right words to explain it even though it was fairly simple.

"You don't have to tell me." Jayde offered.

I shook my head, "No, it not that bad... I just haven't really thought about it for a while." I cleared my throat.

"There was this Templar in my Circle, when he had a bad day he liked to knock mages around. I heard whispers of him doing worse as well..." Picturing his face made my skin crawl, "One day I guess I was just the closest mage to him. When he grabbed me I tried to shove him away, he took out his knife and..." I motioned at my cheek.

"He wasn't trying to kill me, if he had I would be dead. He just wanted to mark me. For fighting back I guess..." I let out a breath, realizing I hadn't really told anyone this story.

Jayde had stopped walking, she looked at me and her face was a mix of horror and disgust, "I... I am so sorry." 

I gave a halfhearted shrug, "It could have been far worse, Jay. It wasn't my first beating." I didn't want her worrying about something that happened years ago.

A horrified laugh escaped her lips, "That doesn't make it better, Nadya!" She took a deep breath and moved closer, reaching for me and capturing my left hand in both of hers. She brought my hand up to her mouth, her lips delicately grazing the back of my fingers. I closed my eyes, trying to make sure I remembered the sensation of her lips touching my skin. 

"None of that should have happened to you." I opened my eyes at the sound of her voice and her warm breath hitting my fingers. When I met her gaze her eyes were intense. 

We stood there long enough for me to start wondering what I should do, what I wanted to do. I don't think she had ever been this close to me, I could feel the heat coming off her body. My pulse started to pick up enough that she could probably feel it. I didn't get a chance to make a decision though; a door opened behind us with a loud creak and a soldier stepped out, giving us an odd look before moving on. Jayde and I seemed to simultaneously remember what we were doing. 

She slowly released my hand, "Anyway... If that Templar is still alive he better pray to every god there ever was that I never run into him." Her tone made me certain that her threat was serious. Jayde continued our stroll, beckoning me to follow. Feeling a little breathless, a forced my legs to move and fell into step beside her. 

The rest of our walk was spent in silence, making our way to the castle gardens. My thoughts bounced all over the place, like a crazed cat that I couldn't catch. I thought about what I had wanted to do in that moment we had, if it was something that I should've done, or something that I should actively try not to do. What it meant that I wanted to do it at all. The thoughts started to overwhelm me so I pushed them down. 

The small journey didn't seem to bother Jayde's injury all that much, which made me relieved. Once we arrived at the gardens she stepped out into the open space, looking up into the sky with her eyes closed and taking in the sun an fresh air. She was stunning in the sunlight, well she was practically always stunning to me, but the rays of light illuminated her and made her shine. 

"How are you feeling?" I asked her.

She opened her eyes to look at me, a big grin on her face, "Fucking great." She said with a relieved sigh.

I couldn't keep my smile from forming into a larger grin like hers. Joy spread out through my body as I watched her and I let myself enjoy the crisp mountain air. 

Finding a vacated bench, we sat and talked for a long while, eventually getting on the subject of what we wanted to do with our lives before life chose for us.

"I've always wanted to be a healer." I told her, "My mother was a healer, she had books that she let me look through when I was young. I was always fascinated with the art of it, and how a body can repair itself. Its like magic. Plus there are always people that need help." I said wistfully.

"When this is all over you should work towards that." Jayde told me. 

"That's certainly something to keep in mind if I make it out alive..." I noticed her jaw clench briefly. "What about you? What did you want to be?" I added.

Jayde thought for a moment, "I never really knew what I wanted..." She admitted, "I bounced from one thing to another for most of my life, figured the only thing I was really good at was fighting. I didn't like being a mercenary though, I wanted to use my skills to help people... But I also despised the idea of joining a city guard." I could tell this was something she struggled with a lot.

A realization popped in my head, "You want to be a vigilante." I said with a smirk.

Jayde pondered the statement, then started laughing, "Shit, I think you're right." She ran her hand through her hair, the blonde waves cascading down her shoulders, "That doesn't sound so bad. I get to be my own boss, I get to punch fuckheads, help people in need..."

"Its perfect for you." I finished her statement.

"Definitely." She agreed. 

 

At the success of her walk the healer agreed to release Jayde from the infirmary as long as she came in for a daily checkup until she got her stitches removed. 

"Try not to overdo your activity. That means no running, no training, no fighting, no sexual activities." He commanded, "I don't want to find you back in here with your stitches ripped, got it?"

"Got it." Jayde answered, bouncing slightly on her heals, far too eager to leave. 

"Okay. Go on then." He dismissed her. 

She gave him a quick thank you, grabbing my wrist and dragging me out of the infirmary. Once we were in the main hall of Skyhold she let go of me.

"You're worse than a child, you know." I teased.

"Oh, I'm no worse than you on the road." She bit back playfully. 

I laughed, backing away from her towards Josephine's study, "Enjoy your freedom." I said, "Duty calls." Jayde gave me a mock salute, sending me on my way.

 

The next day I was heading to bed when I found Dorian waiting outside my chambers with a massive shit-eating grin. The sight made me stop in my tracks, trying to decide if I should be scared or excited.

"What?" I asked carefully.

"You and the Champion." He said it like an amused citizen had just caught a child stealing from a sweets shop.

"Excuse me?" That explanation did nothing but help me realize that, yes, I should be scared. 

"Why did you not tell me you and Hawke are... An item?" He crossed his arms, waiting for an answer.

"What? Who told you that?" This conversation was raising more questions than answers so far. 

"One hears things, and sees things... You've been at her side every chance you can get since she returned to Skyhold." Were people spreading rumors? Is that what's happening here?

"Well, I mean yes I've been spending time with her but we're not... Together." Saying it out loud actually left a bad taste in my mouth.

"Why not?" Dorian asked, genuinely puzzled. 

His question stumped me, "I-I don't know! Maybe because we have bigger problems right now...?"

"Oh, that's horseshit and you know it." He jabbed. When I didn't have an answer for him he kept rolling, "What's really stopping you?"

I took a long moment to think, really think, about this. This whole time I had a feeling I knew what I wanted, but I pushed it aside, tried not to think about it and I didn't really know why until now. Dorian's sudden ambush caught me off guard, forcing me to pay attention to my feelings, forcing me to admit them. 

"I'm... I'm scared." After several seconds I took a deep breath, "But I want her." Saying it out loud felt like I smashed a wall in my mind, the loud impact frightening me, but seeing the other side for the first time sent relief through my bones.

Dorian looked pleased, noticing that it was a hard thing for me to say he walked over to me, wrapping me in a warm hug. When he pulled away he said, "Fear holds you back, and the world is ending. Might as well take a leap into that beautiful Unknown while you have the chance." Satisfied, he said goodnight and let me retire.

It was mostly a sleepless night that night. I knew Dorian was right, but I had no idea how to do this sort of thing, how to move forward from here. A thousand different scenarios played out in my head, terrifying me, exciting me, driving me mad... That's when I realized that maybe I didn't need to know what to do. Maybe I just needed to let it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys are liking it so far! I'm really enjoying writing this and don't plan on stopping anytime soon. Also I love getting comments on this so if you leave a comment thank you!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to anyone who's been reading this! and to everyone who leaves kudos and/or comments! I know this story isn't perfect but I really love writing it so I won't be stopping anytime soon. Hope you guys like it!

I let the cold mountain air bite into my skin as I leaned on the ledge of the battlements, looking out into the snowcapped mountains. The sunlight reflected on the freezing lake below, making it look like a lake of molten light. My thoughts were beginning to overwhelm me these past couple days and the scene helped calm my nerves. I had far too much on my plate and I wasn't sure I had the tools to pull any of this off. Well, I had the tools, but as far as having the belief in myself to utilize them properly? That was another story. Backing out wasn't an option so I had to convince myself that I knew what I was doing even though for the most part I didn't.

"Why didn't you tell me about the ball?" Jayde's voice came from behind me. Her arms were crossed and her posture was strong, the gentle breeze pushing loose strands of her golden hair in front of her eyes. She didn't sound angry, but she was clearly bothered with the fact that I withheld the information from her. 

"I wanted to see how your recovery went. I knew that if I mentioned it sooner you would have convinced me to let you go even if you weren't well enough." I told her. 

"I can handle it." She said, and I felt envious in the confidence she had in herself, "But if you don't want me to go I won't make you take me." She tried to mask the hurt in her voice but I still caught it.

"Of course I want you to go." I said, trying to dispel any doubt she had, "I just didn't want you to get hurt more than you are. Who knows what will happen at the Winter Palace." 

Jayde moved closer to me, "That's why I want to go. If things go bad you'll need every pair of hands you can get. I've healed enough, and I've fought battles in worse conditions." The early afternoon light shone through her ocean blue irises, reminding me of when you hold a crystal up to the sun and watch the rays illuminate it. 

I laughed a little, "You don't need to make your case. I was already going to ask you to come." I had planned to have this conversation with her later today, considering we were leaving tomorrow, but she beat me to it. I was glad, but also silently cursed myself for letting her think I didn't want her help.

Smiling, Jayde reached out and grabbed my hand, "I'll have your back. Whenever you need it." 

"Thank you." I squeezed her hand, "I'll have yours too." I said.

A soldier made his way towards us with a calm purpose to his step and I let go of Jayde's hand, preparing to greet him, "The prisoner is ready for your judgement, Herald." He said as he saluted his presence.

"Oh, thank you. I'll be there right away." I said. He bowed respectfully and went off to return to his duties.

"Who's the lucky bastard you're judging today?" Jayde asked as we made our way to the entrance of the main hall of the castle.

"Um... Alexius." I said, a little embarrassed.

"You haven't judged him yet?" The surprise in her voice made me more embarrassed.

"I've been putting it off... I've never judged someone before. His fate is in my hands and it just... Feels wrong. I know he did terrible things, to me specifically, but I just didn't know what exactly to do." Saying this out loud made it sound more ridiculous than it did in my head.

"I get it." Jayde replied softly, "It's one thing when you're in the middle of a battle. People are getting hurt and dying and you have to stop it. It's another thing when you're sitting on a pedestal in front of a crowd with someone in chains kneeling at your feet." Hearing that she understood sent a wave of relief through me, making me feel less alone in this. 

"Do you know what you're going to do?" She added.

"I think so, yes." I answered, feeling a little more sure of myself, but nerves still made my spine quiver and my stomach twist.

"You can do this." Jayde said quietly, rubbing my back reassuringly as we climbed the steps to the entrance. I nodded, determined to face this.

Jayde left my side as we entered to main hall, moving to the back of the gathering of people. I made my way to the throne, keeping my eyes trained ahead of me and doing my best to give off authority and grace. I sat down and a few moments later they brought out Alexius.

The man looked defeated, he barely even had the strength to give me a hateful glare, not struggling against the chains or the tight grip the guards had on his arms. Josephine read out the charges and his eyes bore into me, expecting the worst I suppose. When Josephine finished the great hall fell into a complete silence, awaiting my judgement.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" I asked, my voice echoing slightly.

Alexius spoke, "I couldn't save my son. Do you think my fate matters to me?" He continued, his tone going colder, "You've won nothing. The people you saved, the acclaim you've gathered- You'll lose it all in the storm to come. Render your judgement, Inquisitor." 

Silence blanketed the crowd once more. His words echoed in my head. He was utterly certain of them and that made fear run through my veins like ice. Instinctually I looked for Jayde in the flock of people, finding her in the very back. Her eyes were on Alexius, staring at him menacingly, like a wolf looks at its prey. Sensing my eyes on her she looked up at me, her expression softening and she gave me a subtle nod.

I forced my attention back to Alexius, "If you're hoping to die today I'm afraid you will be disappointed." I said, telling myself his harsh words were meant to push me, "You swore an oath to the mages, so I will have you uphold that promise. Fiona will take charge of you. All of your wealth, knowledge, and favor will go towards helping the mages." I announced loud enough for everyone to hear.

Alexius sighed, "A headsman would have been kinder." 

As the guards escorted him away most of the onlookers took that as their cue to disperse apart form a few who clustered into groups to gossip. Jayde stayed were she was, leaning against the wall and waited for me to join her. Realizing the trial was done lifted a weight off my shoulders, feeling pleased with my verdict. Pushing myself up, I made my way towards Jayde. Her lips were pursed, her arms crossed, but when I arrived at her side she gave me a proud smile.

"Your decision will help people. You did good." It sounded like she was saying this to herself as well as me.

"Not what you would've done?" I asked.

Jayde gaze went to the floor and she shook her head, "No... I would have made him tranquil." 

My stomach dropped and I took a step away from her, "You... You think that's an acceptable punishment for mages?" I searched her eyes, hoping that I got it wrong.

"No I do not." She said forcefully, "Not in the way the Chantry used it." Jayde took a deep breath, "But I read your report on what happened at Redcliffe. If I was in your place and saw my friends suffer the way yours did and saw the future you saw... I would want to do the worst thing possible to whoever was responsible." 

"Have you seen what tranquility does?" My voice was raising. I found it difficult to understand this part of her that I was seeing for the first time.

"Yes, I have seen it. I agree its a horrific punishment, but Alexius isn't just a mage. He is an adult who chose his own path freely, an evil path. One that harmed you and people you love, in particular. In my eyes evil people deserve evil punishments." She spoke so calmly that it just sent my brain reeling even more.

"So you would have done that to Anders if you had the choice?" As soon as the words left my mouth I realized it was a low jab, but I couldn't unsay it.

Her eyes flashed with anger, my challenge offending her, "That was different. It just needed to end." She spat out curtly.

"I can understand that. I could understand if you wanted Alexius dead, I even considered executing him myself, but tranquility?" I shook my head in disappointment before my voice adopted an even louder, more harsh tone, "That isn't justice, that is vengeance! That is a cruel vengeance!" A beat passed before I added, "He wanted to save his son."

"Everyone has their reasons to justify the horrible things they do, but at the end of the day you are alone with your actions!" Animosity becoming more evident in her speech. 

"Don't you see how hypocritical that is? You would commit an evil act against another being and justify it by saying that evil needs to be answered with evil unless the person was a close friend of yours?" Jayde's agitated expression turned to shock, like this wasn't put into perspective for her before. 

I felt my anger rising, wanting to avoid saying more things to her that I would regret I put a hand up dismissively, "I- I have to go." I turned away and headed towards my quarters to cool off before she had a chance to say anything. I only barely payed attention to the small groups of people following me with their eyes, clearly noticing the disagreement.

Once I entered my room I made a beeline for the desk, hoping some paperwork would distract me. Plopping down in the chair, I started sifting through a handful of papers. I read line after line and soon realized that my brain wasn't retaining any of the information that my eyes were reading, but still I pushed on. Roughly a half hour passed as I attempted to force myself to pay attention to my task, but with no luck. Eventually I gave up, slamming the papers against the hardwood and ran a hand through my hair.

What was I suppose to take away from my argument with Jayde? What did this mean about who she was? Did this make her a bad person? No, I don't think so... Not entirely at least. I've seen that she cares about people. That she wants to help people. Just her methods leave something to be desired. Maybe that's to be expected when you've had the kind of life that she has had, but that also doesn't excuse it either. What did this mean about how I felt for her? Could I learn to accept this part of her? Did I even want to accept it?

I wasn't sure how long I was sitting at my desk contemplating and fidgeting with whatever my hands could find, perhaps an hour? My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Not wanting to get up I shouted a quick, "Come in!" To whoever wanted my presence.

I was surprised when I spotted Varric's short frame walking up the steps to my chambers. He took his time making his way to where I was waiting, grabbing a seat on the other side of the desk.

"I sense there may have been a... Disagreement of sorts? Between you and Hawke." He sounded formal, like he was meeting with some businessman.

"What gives you that impression?" I felt like I may know the answer, but I asked it anyway.

"Well, when I noticed Hawke nearly taking the head off of a dummy in the training yard, I put it together." He told me.

I sighed, shaking my head, "She's not suppose to be doing that yet..." Why would she risk ripping her stitches when she's so close to getting them removed?

Varric nodded, "When she's frustrated, particularly with herself, she tends to let that out in subtle self destructive ways." I shot him a look and he shrugged, "It used to be a lot worse. One time she just disappeared for almost two days and came back looking like hell. Wouldn't say where she went or what she did." I felt my gut wrench, but didn't say anything. 

He cleared his throat, "My point is, I know you two have gotten close and I would hate to see both of you fall away from each other. Now when I talked to her she didn't say much apart from it was her fault-"

I cut him off, "She told me she would have made Alexius tranquil."

Varric slumped in his chair, sighing heavily, "Why would she tell you, of all people, that?" Then he mumbled to himself, "Dammit, Hawke..." 

He leaned forward, "That... Is a very valid reason to be angry with her, but I know she wants to make it right." 

"Then why isn't she here?" I demanded, irritated.

"She's giving you your space. She won't come to you unless you want her to. Are you willing to talk with her?" Why was Varric being the mediator?

"Did she send you?" I asked.

Varric snorted, "Absolutely not. In fact, she's going to be pretty pissed with me when she finds out I came up here." He chuckled a little, almost like he was looking forward to that conversation.

We began a sort of staring contest then as I contemplated a decision. I did want to resolve this, we were going to Halamshiral very soon and if we weren't going to be able to work together then our whole mission could be compromised. I also wanted to hear what she had to say for herself, and to find a way to forgive her. I hated feeling angry with her. 

I finally spoke up, "Okay. You can tell her to come up here this evening." I said, figuring that would give me enough time to get my thoughts in order.

Varric bowed his head, "As you wish, Inquisitor." He got up to leave but paused, "I know she's not perfect, but she's like family to me... And so are you for that matter. I do hope the both of you can move past this together." He gave me a small, knowing smile and walked away.

Hearing the door to my chambers creak shut, I decided to give my work another try. I shuffled through the papers and sorted them into stacks. The ones that were most important were towards the center of the desk and least important were placed at the edge. The simple, satisfying task of putting every paper in order was thankfully enough to get my mind into work mode. I started to sign documents, answer letters, and read up on possible allies and enemies, making notes on where I thought we should focus our attention. 

Hours passed and when the sun began to go down, my room grew colder. Taking a break I went to the fireplace, filling it up with fresh timber. I kneeled before it and opened my palm, summoning a flame. I felt comfortable warmth, and the fire left my skin untouched even though it danced along my hand. I was closest with my electricity magic but fire was always a close second for me. Sometimes it fought me, if I lost too much concentration with it the flames could easily go out of control. I enjoyed the challenge when I was practicing alone, but it always left me wary in battle for fear that I would accidentally harm my friends. So far I've kept a good handle on it, and I intended to keep it that way.

I released my flame into the fireplace and it consumed the logs greedily, replacing the dying sunlight in my room with firelight. I proceeded to move around my quarters, igniting the candles and sconces with my bare hand, the light of the flames bouncing off the stone walls. Lighting the last candle I heard a knock at my door. I tried to convince myself that I had forgotten she was coming, but I had closely watched to sun's journey down the sky, waiting for this.

I took a deep breath, composed myself, and made my way down the steps. Opening the door, Jayde looked at me with a sheepish expression, her arms behind her back, "May I come in?" She asked in a quiet voice.

I moved out of her way, opening the door more and gesturing her to walk up the steps. She entered and I closed the door behind us, moving to follow behind her. Getting to the center of my chambers, I noticed her eyes move around the room, taking in my living space for the first time. Her gaze settled on me, looking me up and down like she hadn't seen me in a long time. 

We stood there in silence for a few moments and she finally spoke, "I want to apologize," I kept silent, letting her speak, "I know I can be... Impulsive. When you asked what I would do to Alexius, I answered with the first thing that came to my mind. My instinct when dealing with someone like that is to hurt them worse than they hurt me and my family... No matter the cost." She looked down for a moment and fidgeted with her hands. 

"You were right," Her eyes met mine again in a calm resolve, "And I've done things to people who I thought deserved it. I can't take it back, and I can't make that instinct go away... But I can make a conscious effort to be more mindful of my actions. I know now that what I've done hurts more people than just the ones I intended. It hurts innocent people, and it hurts myself." Looking into her eyes I knew her words were sincere. A part of me wanted to be surprised that she was taking responsibility for herself and her actions, but I just wasn't. 

Jayde tentatively moved closer to me, her arm twitched like she wanted to reach for me, but she stopped herself, "I'm so sorry that I made you disappointed. I knew that I would when you asked me, but I didn't want to lie to you. I guess I wanted you to see that part of me, even though it's ugly. I want you to know all of me..." Her voice came out a little breathless when she said that last sentence.

I stared at her for a few long seconds, processing her words. Finally I nodded, finding it easier to forgive her than I thought, but it felt like she made it easy. I stepped closer, wrapping my arms around her in a hug, careful not to squeeze her too tight in case her wound still hurt. Her body tensed for just a moment before her arms wrapped around me, pulling me tighter against her. I closed my eyes, feeling her strong heartbeat for the first time extinguished any possible remaining embers of anger I had. Her scent reminded me of morning campfires after a full night of rain. She let out a sigh of relief and I felt her warm breath on my neck. 

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have brought up Anders like that. It wasn't okay." I told her, not wanting to let go of her yet.

She shook her head, "I already forgave you for that, you don't need to apologize." 

"I do." I pulled back to look at her, but we still held on to each other. "The important part is we can leave this behind us and move forward," I reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, brushing my thumb against her cheek, "Together."

Slowly, a smile appeared on her lips she brought her hand up, her fingers curling around my wrist. I noticed black and blue bruises decorated her knuckles. Before I could comment on it, Jayde's eyes started to shift from my eyes to my lips and back again, distracting me. 

"You're always so... Good." Her voice was a whisper, "Sometimes too good." She teased.

My retort was interrupted by my stomach suddenly growling loudly. I let out a laugh, leaning my head on her shoulder. 

"When's the last time you ate?" She asked, sounding both amused and concerned.

"I've been working most of the day, I must have forgotten." I replied, a little embarrassed. 

"Come on," Jayde pulled away, still holding on to my wrist as she led me towards to entrance to my room, "Let's get you something to eat."

"As long as we can bring it back up here, because I just lit that fire not too long ago and this is the highest point in the castle. Nighttime up here is perfect." I said, following her.

Her grin became wider and I took that as an agreement. Together we went down into the kitchens, grabbing one of the freshly cooked chickens to share along with a small loaf of baked bread and some cider to top it off. Both of us tried to stay out of the chef's way, but I'm almost certain she was cursing us silently. When we returned to my quarters I set a blanket and some pillows down on the floor in front of the fireplace. We sat down, our food placed in front of us and Jayde poured me a cup of spiced cider as well as herself. The bird was perfectly cooked and seasoned, the bread warm and fluffy, my stomach was beyond grateful for the sustenance. As far as a make-up dinner went, this was pretty good. We didn't speak much as we ate, just enjoyed our meal and watched the flames of the fire dance among the logs. 

After our dinner was done, we set the plates aside. I leaned on my left arm, my legs tucked to the side, holding out my empty cup for Jayde to refill. Taking another sip, I let the sweet tart taste of the cider coat my tongue.

"So who did you have to kill to get these chambers?" Jayde asked.

I gave her a smirk, "They just gave it to me. I told them it was too much, but..." I shrugged, "Kind of hard to fight this if people want to give it to you." 

Jayde shook her head, "They didn't just give it to you, you earned it." 

"When I stop Corypheus, then I've earned it." I said, taking another sip.

She went quiet for a second and eyed my left hand, "Does it hurt?"

Realizing she was talking about the mark, I lifted my hand, examining the faint green glow, "Sometimes it aches, but usually it only hurts when I use it. Its not bad though." I reassured her. 

"You don't remember anything?" She asked calmly.

"Nothing. Only thing I know is that the Divine was calling to me for help when Corypheus was doing his ritual. And that he said I stole the mark." The gap in my mind bothered me more than Corypheus's grotesque face. It unsettled me down to my bones, made me question myself. I often wondered if I really was responsible for the explosion at the Conclave.

"We'll get answers in time." She told me with confidence.

I nodded, hoping she was right. I caught sight of her bruised knuckles yet again and couldn't keep quiet this time, "What about you?" I asked, setting down my cup and gently grabbing her hand to point out her marred skin, "You aren't suppose to be training yet, and look at this!"

She didn't pull away or shy from my scolding, "I got the stitches out after I trained, the healer said it was okay." 

"I'm sure he told you to take it slow at least. It looks like you've been punching a wall!" Her skin was split on her right hand between two knuckles, and the cut had started to scab over and I carefully grazed the tip of my finger over it. 

I was never very good at healing spells no matter how much I tried, which was part of the reason why I wasn't training to be a healer in the circle, the most I could manage were small cuts and bruises. Jayde's hands seemed enough for me to handle so I focused my energy. Holding her right hand between both of mine and I furrowed my brow in concentration. A few breaths passed and a warm light began to glow from my hands. I heard Jayde gasp softly and felt her cut mend and her bruises dissipate. The process must have taken at least a five minutes and I felt my body tire as soon as I was finished.

"Sorry... That's all I can do. Please take it easy next time." I felt better knowing I at least took away some of her pain.

Jayde inspected her healed hands in awe, "Thank you... I'll try not to be so hard on myself." 

I pinched the bridge of my nose, sensing the beginning of a headache and tried to shake off my lightheadedness. Jayde noticed this and she scooted closer to me, putting her hand on my arm, "You okay?" 

"Yeah I'm fine, its just healing magic is a little difficult for me." I said.

"Can I get you anything? I'm going to get you some water." She got up before I could answer and started looking around the room.

I laughed a little, getting up myself, "Don't worry, its okay." I grabbed her arms to stop her from storming off on a quest, "I really am fine, I'll have a minor headache at the most." 

Jayde looked at me, unsure for a couple more seconds, but I smiled at her and her body relaxed, "Okay." She said.

She stood there and looked me up and down, saying nothing. I found my eyes doing the same thing and my body moved forward without me telling it too, now I was just inches away from her. Jayde's expression changed to such an intense gaze that half of me wanted to look away, but the other half couldn't. Her dark eyes looked into my gold ones, then down to my lips. Her hand came up, her fingertips caressing my cheek, her palm coming to rest on my jaw. Jayde didn't hesitate to lean in, and her lips brushed against mine ever so softly, my heart was pounding in my ears. 

It was over too quickly, Jayde pulled back suddenly, "Shit... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" I cut her off with another kiss, my hands going to her waist, pulling her closer to me. She didn't fight it, bringing her hands up to cup my face as she deepened the kiss. Feeling her body against mine, tasting her, feeling her fingers tangle in my hair, sent me on a high that I didn't know I could feel. A warmth spread through my body and I wanted more so I kissed her harder, my tongue entering her mouth. Our kisses slow and passionate, making my heart flutter with every beat.

Jayde started pushing me towards the bed and I let her, not being totally conscious of my actions in the moment. We broke apart just for a beat so she could gently lay me down, then her lips crashed into mine again as her body pinned me to the furs. She settled in between my legs, her lips starting to trail away from my mouth, her teeth nipping my jawline. As she started kissing my neck, allowing me to regain some of my breathing, my brain started to catch up with me. Nearly every part of me wanted her to keep going, wanted me to do the same, but nerves started to bubble up in my chest like hot oil.

"Wait..." I said breathlessly. Immediately Jayde stopped, pulling back and sitting up. She looked down at me, ashamed and a little frightened, like she just realized what she was doing as well.

I leaned up on one elbow, reaching out to pull her back down a bit, "It's not that I don't want to... It's just..." I didn't want to say it out loud, embarrassment heated up my cheeks.

"You've never had sex before." Jayde finished my sentence for me. 

"Exactly..." I replied, unable to look her in the eye.

"Hey," Jayde said quietly, tilting my head up with her index finger, coaxing me to look at her. She wore such a soft smile that it made my breath catch, "It's okay." She told me, "We can wait until you're ready, or we don't have to do it at all. It isn't an issue, I just want to be with you." 

Her declaration made my heart skip an entire beat, "You do...?" My skin was tingling like my electricity magic was going haywire, but no literal sparks appeared and no lightning bolt crashed into the building. 

Jayde laughed, sweeping her hair to the side and resting her forehead against mine, "Of course I do, Nadya..." 

I couldn't resist kissing her again, I never wanted to stop kissing her. She laughed into the kiss, "Does this mean you want me too?" She asked against my mouth. 

I smiled, "Was it not obvious enough?" I retorted playfully.

Jayde took my bottom lip between her teeth briefly, then kissed the corner of my mouth, "Well, you can never be too sure..." Her hot breath tickled my cheek. 

Swiftly I rolled us over, being on top of her sent a thrill through me. I stared down at her, admiring how gorgeous she looked like this; unguarded and happy. "Stay with me tonight." I suggested.

Her hands went to my hips and I felt her fingers journey under the fabric of my shirt, stroking my bare skin, but her hands didn't travel any higher, "I'd love nothing more." 

The rest of the night was spent sharing kisses that we couldn't get enough of and taking each other in with more clarity than either of us had allowed ourselves before. Even though I could tell that Jayde was holding back she respected that I wasn't ready. I wanted all of her, but there was still that part of me that was scared to go further and I didn't want to force myself into it. We ended up falling asleep in each other's arms, her head nestled in my chest and I pulled her as close to me as I could. I couldn't recall a time when I slept this well.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda wanted to get this out before my birthday but on my birthday works too :) enjoy!

I slowly stirred awake briefly to find the space next to me in the bed was vacant. Feeling a slight panic manifest inside me I serveyed the room, searching for Jayde. The light of dawn had just barely begun to touch the horizon, casting my quarters in a faint gray glow. Rolling over onto my left side, Jayde came into view and my heart started to calm. She stood halfway out on the balcony, leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed and her gaze watching the morning mist roll through the castle. 

"Why are you awake?" My voice was rough with sleep. Jayde's head turned towards me and a small smile appeared on her lips. "We don't have to leave for hours." I added.

She shrugged, "I woke up a little while ago and couldn't fall back asleep. Figured some fresh air would help." 

"Is it?" I asked, feeling the pull of sleep already start to take me back, but I fought it. Jayde gave a half hearted shrug that I took as a no. I scooted back a bit and lifted the blankets so she could have a space to crawl into. Once my body occupied the side of the bed where she used to be I noted that it was cold; she must've been awake longer than a 'little bit'. 

Jayde didn't decline my invitation, closing the door to the balcony behind her, she made her way towards me. The bed sank slightly under her weight and she made herself comfortable. Wrapping my arms around her from behind she shivered and I felt her body was cold from standing outside so I tugged the blankets over us and pulled her closer. She let out a content hum and I could feel her steady heartbeat against me, it's rhythm pushing me towards sleep even more.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, my lips brushing against her neck.

An amused breath came out of her lungs, "I can honestly say I haven't felt this good in a long time." She said, her voice quiet like mine. "You don't have to worry. I have difficulties with sleep sometimes, it's not a big deal." I could tell she believed that, but in the back of my mind I knew sleep problems were often part of bigger issues. 

I didn't have the energy to push for more information in this moment, though. Unconsciousness became more persistent, grasping my mind in a firmer grip. "Okay." I said so quietly that I wasn't entirely sure she heard me even being this close to her. 

I guessed she must have as she took my hand in hers and brought it up to her lips. We stayed like that and I didn't even feel myself fall back asleep, I just let the thump of her heart and the shift of her breathing pull me back under. 

 

I awoke once more to the sensation of someone running their fingers through my hair. Opening my eyes I was greeted by the sight of Jayde propped up on one elbow, illuminated by rays of morning sunshine breaking through stained glass. She didn't stop the gentle pace of her fingertips gliding through strands of my honey brown hair, her expression soft as I came to. 

"Blackwall already came to wake you about ten minutes ago. When his knocking didn't rouse you I got up and told him I'd make sure you woke up... Hope you don't mind..." She sounded hesitant.

I groaned loudly, burying my face into my pillow. "Five more minutes." My voice came out muffled. 

Jayde chuckled a little and began to rub my back, "Assassinations to stop, right?" She urged.

I lay there a few more seconds before I reluctantly rolled over and rubbed my eyes. I stared at the ceiling, waiting for my vision to properly focus.

"I... Was going to ask you if you're comfortable with people knowing about us, but Blackwall..." It took me a moment to make sense of her sheepish tone in my half asleep stupor.

"I'm don't mind people knowing." I sensed her body relax slightly. "If you have a problem with it though, Blackwall isn't one to gossip and if I talked to him I'm sure he wouldn't say anything." I added.

Jayde shook her head, "I couldn't care less about who knows. I was just worried about what you wanted." She said as she brushed hair out of my face. 

"If I cared about what people thought I probably wouldn't have asked you to stay the night." I said with a smirk. 

Jayde laughed a little. "Good point."

"Were you able to fall back asleep?" I asked, vaguely remembering earlier this morning.

She nodded, "Yes I was. I woke up about a half hour ago." 

I slowly sat up, leaning my back against the headboard. "How often do you have trouble sleeping?" Jayde sat up too and I casually grasped her hand and began fiddling with her fingers.

She shrugged, "Fairly often, I guess..." She started to sound distant, focusing her attention on our joined hands rather than our conversation.

"Do you know why?" I pressed.

Jayde sighed, still not really looking at me, "Could be any number of reasons. Bad dreams, racing thoughts, stress... I try not to think too much about why. There are more important things to worry about." Her voice sounded indifferent, but I got the feeling that this was a difficult subject.

"What was it last night?" I asked, keeping my tone calm. "Was it a bad dream?" I guessed.

She gave me a nod and a quiet "Mhm." I shifted a little closer to her, "Do you want to talk about it?" 

She seemed to enter an internal struggle then, her brow furrowed and her mouth opening and closing, trying to decide what to say and looking a bit nauseous. I shook my head, bringing my hand up to the side of her face, running my thumb along her scar. 

"You don't have to talk about it." I reassured her. Jayde leaned into my touch, the corner of her mouth twitched in the briefest smile. 

"Its just sometimes they're so vivid... I can feel everything like its all real. Some of them were real." She shivered, but not from the cold.

I gently bumped my forehead against hers. "I understand. You don't have to talk about anything that's too hard... Just know that I'm here for you." I remembered my mother once told me that sometimes the best you could do for someone that's struggling was just be there for them. That your simple presence and support could be the push they needed to begin healing. 

I closed any remaining distance between us and our lips met in a tender brush, much like our first kiss last night had been. I leaned back ever so slightly, barely making it a few inches away before I saw Jayde's mouth curve up in a flash of a grin through half-lidded eyes and then she kissed me again. It was slow and sweet, her soft lips savoring mine, her fingers curling in my hair and I could feel that thrill sparking in the pit of my stomach again. I felt I could get drunk on her. This sensation was still so new to me, taking me by surprise yet again with the fluttering of my heart and the warmth in my chest. I wasn't sure if I'd ever get used to it.

Jayde pulled back, biting her bottom lip. "I like this... You make me feel better." She said, resting her forehead on mine. 

I smiled, "You make me feel better too." It was true. I thought about how it was before I knew her. Though my life certainly didn't lack sunshine, it felt like she brightened the mountains more, helping melt the frozen rivers and allowing the plants to grow. Starting this relationship felt like it would make the forest flourish even further.

In the silence that followed I remembered our purpose, "We should get ready..." I told her, leaning away so I wouldn't get distracted again.

Jayde seemed to remember too. "Shit, I have to go get my gear." She grumbled. 

Both of us reluctantly get out of bed, me with a longing sigh towards the sheets and furs. I made my way to the wardrobe as Jayde put her boots on, mentally sorting through everything I would need for this journey. We're going to a ball... Do I even have a dress...? Maybe Josephine could help me in that area.

My thoughts were interrupted by Jayde, who grabbed me from behind. "Just one more..." She murmured, turning me around and kissing me. This kiss was quicker than the others, but it was warm and made my palms tingle. "I'll meet you at the gate." She said against my mouth.

It was over in four heartbeats and we broke apart, Jayde letting go of me and backing away. "I'll never get tired of that." 

"Good thing, 'cause you can do it whenever you want now." I told her with a crooked grin.

Her pace faltered slightly like she wanted to come back to kiss me again, but she continued to move away. Her unkempt blonde curls were swept over her left shoulder, the morning rays illuminated her face and she smiled at me. The vision made my breath catch in my throat and I hoped I would never forget it. With a wink she turned on her heel and disappeared down the stairs.

 

Once I was ready to go I headed out my door. There was a bit of a bustle in the main hall as some people made last minute preparations to leave Skyhold with me and my team. As I made for the entrance I noticed a few stares here and there; some gave a respectful nod, some tilted their heads and shared whispers with their companions, and some just gave a neutral glance like I was just another body passing by. I was starting to get used to them, they were better than fearful looks or hateful glares. I had a feeling I would be facing more of the latter at the Winter Palace. 

Dorian suddenly fell in stride beside me, a knowing and almost proud smirk on his face, "So you've been busy." The tone of his voice made me realize the word "busy" was an innuendo.

"Not as busy as you're thinking, but... Moderately busy, I guess." I couldn't stop the grin that formed or the blush that followed soon after. 

"Are you planning on getting busier?" I could tell this little code we were starting to talk in amused him.

"Well, I would like to. Thing is I've never really been... busy." I whispered the last part like the people around us understood what we were talking about even though I knew no one besides Dorian was listening. 

"I see... Have you been moderately busy before?" He asked as we continued our walk down the steps.

I shrugged, "More like a little busy? There weren't a lot of people that I considered being busy with before..." I was a little embarrassed talking to Dorian about this sort of thing, but I had to admit that the code was helping me get it out easier.

He nodded thoughtfully, "Well, one of the good things about being busy is you can go at your own pace and on your own terms. That's what makes being busy so fun." He paused for a moment before he said, "And don't let anyone pressure you into being busy." It came out serious and even though I already knew this, I appreciated Dorian's concern.

"People that pressure you to be busy won't be any fun anyway." He added. 

With a smile on my face, I gave him a little nudge with my elbow. "I'll remember that." I promised.

"And I'll try not to be disappointed by the fact that it wasn't me you were pinning after me this whole time. Hardly anyone can resist my charm and glorious looks." He joked, nudging me back. 

I snorted, "It was a long and internal struggle, trust me." 

"Oh, I have no doubt. That's how I know you're what this Inquisition needs. Strongest will in all of Thedas." He announced proudly.

"Don't you forget it." I said.

Our horses were being saddled for us at the stables when we arrived. I usually preferred to saddle my own horse, but I was still grateful to the stable hands. Blackwall was tightening the straps a bit on his mount and making last checks to make sure everything was secure. When he noticed me and Dorian he gave his horse a pat and moved to join us as we waited.

"Sleep well?" Blackwall asked nonchalantly, though I knew his deeper meaning.

"Slept great." I answered with a confident smile.

Dorian chimed in, "She's been moderately busy." 

I smacked his arm, which he only seemed to enjoy. Blackwall's brow furrowed, "I won't ask for specifics on that, just take it as you and the Hawke girl are on good terms?"

"Better than good." Dorian answered for me. 

I rolled my eyes and nodded to Blackwall. "Yeah, we're good." 

Blackwall nodded back at me, satisfied. "I have something for you." He said, waved at me to follow him. He led me to a table in the barn where something long and wrapped in cloth lay. Blackwall started to unwrap it while I stood patiently beside him, intrigued by whatever he had. 

The cloth finally revealed a short sword that rested in a leather sheath. Blackwall stepped back and gestured towards the sword, allowing me to examine it. The handle was wrapped in leather, the pommel diamond shaped, the crossguard was curved upwards toward the blade. I picked it up by the scabbard and gripped the handle before pulling it free. The blade couldn't have been more than a couple feet long, sharpened double edge with beautiful marbling in the metal; I also noticed some runes etched in the fuller of the blade that gave off a faint blue glow. Overall the sword was simple, but gorgeous.

"Had that made for you." Blackwall said, "Worked a bit with Dagna so it can be compatible with some of your magic. It might not be exactly like a staff but you can use it to give some bastard a good zap with your lightning while you're cutting him up if need be. Or whatever else." I looked over at him and he was admiring the sword as much as I was.

"How's it feel?" He asked and I realized I hadn't said anything yet. I was so overcome with gratitude that it made me speechless. The fact that Blackwall thought I was worthy of such a gift made my heart swell with pride.

"Its... perfect. Blackwall, I don't know what to say..." I replied.

"Just use it to fight for what's right." He told me. I smiled, slid the blade back into it's home in the scabbard, and set it back down on the table. With my hands free I wrapped Blackwall in a tight hug, trying to convey the level of gratitude my words couldn't and said, "You know I will."

After a second longer we separated and grabbed the short sword again, happy to have it with me in the coming battles. Blackwall went to collect his pack and we turned to walk out of the barn. 

"Oh, and a word of advice?" He started and I turned my head, waiting. "Have your girl train you too. I'm not as good with hand-to-hand as she is." He informed me and I realized Blackwall must have witnessed her frustrated training yesterday. I was tempted to ask, but I would most likely see for myself eventually. 

Blackwall's face scrunched up in a pained expression, "I don't mean it that way, I mean it in a fighting way." He said awkwardly.

It took me a second to understand why he specified and when I did I had to hold back my laughter. "Yeah, I got it."

By the time we rejoined Dorian our mounts were ready for travel. I walked over to my chestnut horse, accepting the reins from the stable hand. The horse nuzzled me, trying to nip at any exposed buckles or straps in my armor as he always does. I was convinced he only did it to irritate me, but I found it amusing. A gentle nudge usually worked to dissuade him for a while. Dennet never gave me the horse's true name if he had one and I never asked having gotten used to calling him Charlie 

"Ready to go boy?" Charlie didn't answer, being a horse and all, but I knew he was ready as he could be. I gave him a pet, my hand gliding through his soft fur, the warmth of the animal's large body giving me comfort. 

Dorian, Blackwall, and I began to lead our horses to the front gate to meet with the rest of our companions. Soldiers and scouts had already begun to head out. I knew we would soon follow, leaving the safety of Skyhold's walls and entering Orlais to deal with unseen enemies. Surprisingly I was excited more than I was scared. I spotted Jayde some yards away, clad in her leather armor, speaking with one of the soldiers. Seeing her I realized it wasn't really all that surprising; having her by my side made me feel more confident. We could do this together. As soon as Jayde noticed I was there she gave me another one of those beautiful smiles, one that for a brief moment blotted out any bad feelings I had. 

Giving the soldier a distracted dismissal, Jayde made her way in my direction and a few beats later she stood right before me. "Hey, gorgeous..." She said, and then her lips were on mine. The fact that we were surrounded by people didn't matter to me in any way, the only thing that mattered to in that moment was her. Before the kiss got any deeper though, she pulled away. I felt a short pang of disappointment, but I knew we would have time alone eventually where we didn't have to hold back.

"Are you ready?" She asked, her blue eyes locked on me. 

I smiled back at her, "As ready as ever." I stated, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her closer. "Want to go to a ball with me?" 

Her grin became more crooked, "I would go to a ball with you any day." She told me confidently.

I gave her another quick kiss before I let go. She backed away, eyes on me for a couple seconds longer and she turned around to mount her horse. Gripping my saddle and fitting my foot in the sturrup, I pulled myself up on Charlie. As I settled in the seat I saw that Dorian had a massive grin on his face, but he said nothing and climbed on his own horse. I glanced at Blackwall and found he looked pleased as well. My gaze settled on Jayde finally, her calm expression waiting. 

"We all good?" I asked and was answered by affirmative nods. With that urged my horse forward and we departed for Halamshiral.

 

"That one?" Jayde asked pointing to a modest sized tree, it's branches low enough to grab and climb with little to no difficulty. 

I judged the tree with my arms crossed, thinking for a moment. "No," I decided with a shake of my head, "Bigger." 

Jayde hummed in agreement and took a few steps ahead of me, slowly turning in a circle and surveying any tree in sight, her hands on her hips. It had been days since we left Skyhold and we were suppose to be hunting, but wandering in a remote forest surrounded by a variety of trees of all shapes and sizes, I couldn't resist the urge to find the perfect one to climb all over. Jayde didn't need any convincing to help me find said tree, which made me even more excited.

I looked at our surroundings with Jayde, admiring the way sunlight broke through the thick branches, clusters of leaves and rested upon the forest floor. Breathing in the crisp fresh air of the woods and listening to all the sounds of nature, I couldn't imagine a better place to be. Jayde being here with me made this small, calm moment all the better. I continued to examine the trees, there were a few that were climbable, but I wanted more of a challenge. That and I wanted to be able to climb high. 

"Okay, how about that one?" Jayde asked, more confident in her suggestion.

I turned my attention to where she was pointing and my eyes settled on a tree deeper into the woods, nearly hidden by surrounding trees. The trunk must have been as thick as a giant's leg and as my eyes trailed up, a wide grin formed, the top leaves reaching high into the sky above us. The lowest branch was about eight or nine feet off the ground, but that didn't seem to deter Jayde at all as she marched toward the tree. I followed quickly after her, far too eager. 

"You boost me and I'll pull you up." She instructed. 

"You got it." I said, leaning my back against the tree and threading my fingers together. She placed a booted foot in my joined hands, gripped my shoulder and jumped at the same time a pushed upwards with all my might. She used my shoulder as an additional stepping stool and I felt her weight on me for a beat longer before she found enough grip to pull herself up. She let out a breath and I heard her shuffle a bit as she prepared to hoist me up with her.

"Okay, grab my arm." I looked up at her outstretched hand, her other arm held a different branch to anchor her; a hop was enough to get a good strong grasp. With the treads in my boots giving me a decent purchase on the bark she was able to pull me up fairly easily. My left arm came up and wrapped around the branch, allowing me to pull myself up the rest of the way, though Jayde kept a supporting hand on me just in case. 

I settled onto the branch with her and our eyes met, her face lit up like a child and I was certain mine was the same. My eyes darted upward and found another branch to grab and climb higher, then I spotted another, and another. Soon a path presented itself for us to continue our journey up. I looked at Jayde again and could tell she saw it too. Together we went up, careful where we placed our feet, directing one another, giving each other a helping hand if needed.

There was a place a couple dozen feet high where a few branches had bent into one another and grown together that offered a perfect place to sit that both of us would fit in. Jayde plopped into it first with a sigh, making herself comfortable. Instead of sitting beside her I straddled her, unable to resist. She looked surprised for half a second, then her lips curled in a sly grin. Still slightly out of breath, I leaned in and our lips met in an almost desperate fervor. Having her all to myself out in the middle of the forest made my chest bloom with the thrill. 

We had to pull away all too quickly to regain our breath and I was cursing my body's need for air. We sat there with our foreheads touching, fast breathing becoming slower with each aching heartbeat. The way she bit her lip made me want her. The way her dark storm cloud eyes kept shifting to my lips made me want her. The way her hands tightly gripped my leather coat like she wanted to tear it off made me want her. Every day I wanted her more and more, but there was still that nagging fear of going further in the back of my mind. The good thing was while my want was growing, that fear was ebbing. 

My fingertips traced her jawline, "You're beautiful." I said softly.

An almost shy smile appeared and she kissed me again, slower and sweeter, "So are you..." She mumbled against my mouth, taking my bottom lip between her teeth. I kissed her harder and without consciously doing it, my hips shifted in a way that made Jayde moan into my mouth.

I could feel heat start to flow through my body, a heat that was close to getting hotter. My nerves acted up again and I pulled back, both annoyed at myself and a bit ashamed. 

"I'm sorry..." Jayde said breathlessly, looking flustered.

I shook my head, "No, no, its not you at all..." I slid off her lap and sat beside her. She took my hand in hers, her thumb brushing my skin.

"Its okay, you know. What you're feeling." She reassured me.

I nodded, knowing she was right. "Have you ever been with someone?" She asked, "In any way?" 

I shrugged, "There was this girl I kissed once, but I don't think it meant anything to her. I was eighteen I think. I told her I hadn't kissed anyone before so she kissed me. Nothing ever came of it, though." I couldn't even recall her name now. I remember it was awkward at first, but after I got used to the feeling of someone's mouth on mine I liked it a lot. After that night she acted like it didn't happen and we never spoke again. It bothered me for a couple days, but it was easy to get over.

"What about you?" I knew Jayde was more experienced than me, but that's basically all I knew bout her past relationships.

She shifted nervously, "I've been with a few people. Most of them casual." I felt like she was being intentionally cryptic.

"And the ones that weren't casual?" I asked. 

Jayde went quiet for such a long moment that I was beginning to think she hadn't heard me, but she took a slow deep breath and I could tell she was about to share something painful. I tensed and prepared myself for whatever came next. 

"I was with someone for a while once..." She looked me right in the eye then, a haunting expression painted on her face, "Anders." 

So many thoughts and feelings flooded my system while I processed her words that it was hard to pin anything down. Mostly I just felt sick. Sick at what Anders had did. Sick at what Jayde had to do. I focused on her and she looked like she was expecting me to strike her and then I felt sick that she thought I would hate her for this. 

I still struggled for words, for some reason all I could say was, "Varric didn't include that in his stories..." 

"I asked him never to mention it." She replied calmly, not meeting my eyes.

When was the last time she talked about this? Had she ever talked about it? I realized then that this was a giant leap of faith for her and she was expecting that I would let her fall. I couldn't have that. I would never let her fall. 

I pulled her close, wrapping my arms around her as tight as I could. Jayde hesitated for a split second and she returned the embrace, burying her face in my neck. Her breath became uneven and I realized with a heavy heart that she was crying against me. 

"I'm so sorry, Jay..." My voice was shaky as I felt her pain in the way her body trembled. She held on to me for a long time, hardly making a sound. I didn't let go. I would hold her for as long as she needed. 

She leaned back, her eyes still watery and her cheeks wet. I brushed away her tears and she said nothing, just stared at me in awe. Her eyes were shiny and that made the blue irises look like a choppy ocean. I tilted her head down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Jayde released a sigh so deep it was like she was utterly exhausted and was finally allowed to rest. 

We stayed in the tree for a while longer, barely saying any words as I let her come back from that dark place she had to revisit. I kissed her and she kissed me, her lips salty and soft. More time passed as we lay together in the branches, making fun of Varric's stories. Eventually we knew we had to head back. Slowly we returned to camp and I noticed Jayde looked lighter, like she had been dragging a huge weight with her for ages and was finally relieved of some of the pressure. I couldn't help feeling giddy at her new demeanor. I wanted to help her heal more than anything. I held her hand and she gave mine a squeeze, looking at me with a peaceful smile. I knew this moment wouldn't last forever, soon we'd be back at camp and move on to fight a war, so I took time to enjoy every second of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halamshiral next chapter! as always feel free to leave comments if you want and thanks to anyone reading this!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow so REALLY did not mean to go this long without an update so I'm really sorry for the wait but know that I have every intention of continuing and finishing this fic! hopefully now that I have a new computer that doesn't crash every five minutes I can update more regularly. thank you to everyone who's read it so far and its my new years resolution to be more on top of this! hope you enjoy!

The Winter Palace was without a doubt impressive, I had to give that to the Orlesians. The elegant blues paired with white and gold fit the palace perfectly as the towers reached up into the heavens, accenting the darkness of the night sky and its twinkling stars. The highest tower gave me vertigo upon tilting my head to behold it. This seemed like a place only gods could live and yet the courtyard was full of people dressed in ornate gowns and suits with most of their faces hidden by masks, all mingling with each other before heading inside the palace itself. 

I heard the whispers as the people gathered in small clusters gossiped to one another. Gazes shifted in my direction as I stood in the courtyard and though I couldn't see most of their expressions through the masks, I could feel the tingle of disgust hanging in the air like thick dust and mildew. Even though they were technically whispering it didn't take much effort for me to catch the harsh words aimed at me and my mage status, and I couldn't help but think I was actually suppose to hear them. I knew full well of the Orlesians dislike for mages, but they certainly weren't trying to be discreet about it even in the presence of the Inquititor herself. 

With this and Duke Gaspard's practically blatant attempt to win my support for his claim to the throne and throwing blame on the Empress’s ex-lover Briala for any suspicious activity, I was beginning to realize that the Orlesians lacked subtlety, though I wasn't sure they were fully aware of that. 

Taking a deep breath to try and clear the thick cloud that formed in my head I felt an arm wrap around my waist as someone came up beside me. "Don't pay these people any mind." Jayde said softly in my ear and placed a kiss to my temple. I smiled and leaned into her slightly, grateful for her presence. 

"It doesn't bother me much anymore." That was mostly true. At the very least it was easier to ignore words; it was actions that were harder to disregard. 

I turned my attention to Jayde. The dress she wore made it look like she came out of an auric star, glittering gold and black. See-through mesh made the gilded patterns snaking around her arms and chest look like part of her. The gold blended in gracefully with the black at her waistline where a few small sparkling stones dotted the skirt to give a night sky effect, the hem just barely meeting with the ground. I wasn't sure Jayde was one for dressing up, but she was pleased with her gown and even seemed to enjoy when I braided some of her hair back, announcing that I was the only one allowed to do so when Josephine suggested she make her hair more presentable. 

In contrast to her delicate gown, Jayde had a terrifying glare that rivaled Corypheus' as her eyes scanned the crowd of mingling Orlesians. The ones that were quietly gawking at me moments earlier actually visibly flinched upon meeting her dangerous gaze before they briskly moved on towards the entrance of the palace. A few even cast cautious glances over their shoulders afraid at what Jayde might do should they make the mistake of not keeping their attention on her as they made their escape. 

I was only half sure she wouldn't actually attack... "Are you going to be good?" I asked.

Jayde's brows furrowed as she turned her head to me. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, it’s just for someone who nearly begged me to come here, you look like this is the last place you want to be." I pointed out.

A crooked grin flashed by briefly followed by a shrug, "I suppose that's not a poor assumption. Orlesians irritate me like nothing else. Pretentious, bigoted, a serious superiority complex... This is me being nice by the way." I let out a little laugh; I had planned to call her out on her surprising diplomacy.

"Just remember we're doing a job here." I lowered my voice slightly.

Jayde stood straighter, putting her hands up in surrender. "I won't start anything I don't have to." She promised. 

Not fully convinced, I nodded anyway. 

Doing my best to be charming and diplomatic, I greeted guests as Jayde and I made our way towards the front doors. Most we’re standoffish, but one Orlesian woman with a colorful mask and hat to match it had the kindness to humbly compliment my dress for the evening. Her fingertips gliding over the lace that brushed over my shoulders and torso, down to the silk hem the same color of Jayde's eyes. It was useless trying to convince myself that that wasn't one of my main reasons for loving it so much. Josephine attempted to dissuade me from the gown for its lack of sleeves, but I didn't mind the chilly Orlesian air figuring the interior of the palace would provide adequate warmth when I needed it. 

Jayde remained silent at my side through all the introductions in the courtyard. I could tell the silent judging of the Champion of Kirkwall was beginning to unnerve some of the guests so I gently suggested under my breath that Jayde try to be more inclusive to which I got the quick and hushed reply, "I think it’s better if I don't."

Josephine met us at the towering front doors to give me one last piece of advice before heading in, “The way you speak to the court is a matter of life and death.” She warned “Every word, every gesture is measured and evaluated for weakness.”

I nodded, “Act like a pretentious sociopath, got it.” 

Jayde let out a barely contained snort, and I could tell Josephine was holding back a sigh. 

“I’ll be careful, don’t worry.” I reassured her, going on my way into the palace. Behind me I heard Josephine quietly pray to Andraste.

The inside of the palace was just as impressive as the outside, which didn’t really surprise me at all. More nobles filled the interior with a steady stream still coming in. The ballroom was massive, immaculate tiles lined the floor and golden angel statues stood watch over all that were mingling. A rather festive mood hung in the air as people laughed and jested, having polite and friendly conversations with old friends or associates. You wouldn’t guess that there was going to be an assassination attempt tonight, although I think that’s the point…

The Duke stood ready for the announcer to call his presence, his posture calm and sure of himself. I studied him, looking for any tell that confirmed he was the one plotting the assassination, but apart from acting like an overconfident fool, the same as any other noble within spitting distance, I was shown no evidence. I turned to Jayde, planning on wordlessly asking if she picked up anything but her attention wasn’t on Gaspard. While barely moving her head, and keeping a calm demeanor, she scanned the entire hall, no doubt looking for anything that may be a threat. 

Before I could ask if she spotted anything out of the ordinary, the presenter called Duke Gaspard’s name, shortly followed by my own. Hearing my name echo throughout the hall delivered by a booming voice announcing I was from the circle of magi in Ostwick left a bad taste in my mouth so that I hardly heard my other titles as I walked down the hall, enduring all the criticizing looks thrown my way with my head held high. Jayde wasn’t far behind me, I focused on her footsteps, letting them anchor me and prepare me for meeting the Empress. 

The Duke and the Empress exchanged not too comfortable and obviously fabricated pleasantries, Empress Celene promising him an audience for negotiations later in the night. Once Gaspard took his leave, the Empress greeted me warmly and welcomed me into her court before gesturing to the woman beside her.

“Allow us to present our cousin, the Grand Duchess of Lydes, without whom this gathering would never have been possible.” 

The Grand Duchess bowed, “What an unexpected pleasure. I was not aware the Inquisition would be part of our festivities.” She gave Celene a quick side-glance, “We must speak later Inquisitor.” She said almost cryptically, dismissing herself from the Empress’s side.

Celene engaged in small talk and I did my best to be charming, finding the task easier than expected. The Empress seemed impressed, “Feel free to enjoy the pleasures of the ballroom with your… friendly companion, Inquisitor.” It was then I noticed Jayde’s closeness, standing next to me almost like a personal guard, her eyes on the Empress and doing her best to be respectful of her majesty’s presence. 

“Thank you, your grace.” I said with a bow before taking my leave. 

Walking up the steps I lowered my voice so only Jayde could hear, “Notice anything off?”

“It’s fucking Orlais, everyone is plotting something. Hard to tell exactly who is planning on assassinating an Empress tonight because it could honestly be any of these people hiding a lance up their ass where a stick should be.” She said in an annoyed whisper.

I hid my laugh by clearing my throat. Before I could chastise her, Jayde grabbed my hand at the top of the stairs, looking me in the eye, “Just please stay close to me.” 

“I will.” I promised, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.

Leliana came up to us and quietly asked for a word. Finding a secluded corner, the three of us discussed what we had observed. Leliana didn’t seem too concerned about Ambassador Briala or Duke Gaspard at the moment and spoke of an occult advisor, an apostate mage that Leliana has dealt with in the past, describing her as “ruthless and capable of anything.” Mentioning the guest wing as a place to start investigating further. 

Jayde seemed more or less satisfied with the assignment and informed Leliana that we would look into it immediately. “I’ll be in the ballroom if you need me.” Leliana announced leaving us to our task.

I gave the handle of the guest wing an experimental tug, but to no avail. “Damn, its locked.” I told Jayde.

“Here let me…” She bent down beside the lock, pulling out a lock pick from her golden braids and proceeding to attempt to pick it.

“We have to be quick… People might get suspicious if we’re gone too long.” I said, keeping an eye out for anyone who may walk by, and trying not to get distracted by Jayde’s nimble fingers twisting the pick this way and that.

Jayde shrugged, “This is Orlais. People saw us together, they’ll probably just assume we went off for a quick one.” She said matter-of-factly as she worked the lock.

I placed my hands on my hips and summoned my best stern tone, “I am the Inquisitor and that would be incredibly unprofessional.” 

Not at all fooled, Jayde snorted. “Uh huh, that’s why we didn’t skip hunting to kiss each other breathless right?” She looked up briefly to give me a wink that made my cheeks flush.

Just then the lock sprang open and allowing us access to the library. Walking past Jayde into the room, I gave her a side glance, “You’re good with your hands.” I said, causing her to fumble a bit putting the pick back in her hair. 

Regardless she recovered effortlessly, “Maybe one day you’ll see just how good they are.” My grin grew broader as my heart skipped a beat at the thought. I pushed it away for now, bringing my mind back to our task.

The room was dimly lit by a couple of sconces situated in the corners, giving the barest illumination to the spines of hundreds of books that lined the walls. Jayde and I proceeded to meticulously search any book or ledger that may have any information on the occult advisor, and coming up empty. Just as I was starting to get antsy about our absence in the ballroom an idea popped in my head. An almost ridiculous one, but one that wouldn’t be surprising in Orlais.

Placing a book back on the shelf I turned to Jayde, “How much do you want to bet…” She looked up at me expectantly from the other side of the room, an old leather-bound book in her hand that had been flipped to a random page. I trailed off, eager to test my theory.

I started randomly pulling books on the shelves, looking for any resistance telling me that it wasn’t really a book. Soon Jayde caught on and started mirroring my actions until finally I tugged on a book that wouldn’t budge from its place in the shelf. With a sly grin forming on my lips, I gave it a hard yank and the spine tipped towards my body. Shortly after the sound of stone grinding on stone echoed through the library and vibrated the floor. A secret room had opened up a couple yards to my right and Jayde and I exchanged satisfied smiles.

With only the faintest light I headed to the shape of what looked like a desk and found a letter. Jayde lit a candle and came up beside me, the little flame giving me enough light to read it. 

“Celene doesn’t feel safe here,” I said, pointing at the words on the page written by the Empress. “If we get an audience with her immediately she might believe us about a potential assassin.”

“We need more evidence first,” Jayde told me while carefully studying the letter, “And we should speak with whoever this Lady M is. Leliana may be right in thinking she’s behind it.”

“But, Celene says right here that she doesn’t trust anyone else besides Lady M.” I tap the letter again.

“Then who better to carry out an assassination?” Jayde says in that calm tone of hers, the candle flame reflecting in her eyes.

I shake my head, “I don’t know… That would be like someone accusing you of planning to assassinate me.” 

For a split second I see a flicker of horror in her eyes before Jayde straightens up and composes herself, “You’re right… But, lets at least be cautious.”

Still trying to make sense of her reaction I nodded and placed the letter back on the on the desk, shifting the paper a bit with my fingertips until I was satisfied that it was exactly as I found it. Jayde returned the candle to its rightful place and extinguished its light with a quick release of breath. 

We briskly made our way out of the door we came, Jayde pausing to close the entrance of the library behind us and erasing any evidence of our presence. I scanned for any witnesses while she worked and my eye caught a discoloring on the tiles a few paces from us. I thought at first it might be a wine stain, but my instincts told me otherwise.

“Jay…” I alerted her, starting towards the stain for a closer look.

The small pool barely looked like it could be more than a little spill, possibly a clumsy servant, but upon kneeling down to inspect my suspicions were confirmed. Blood, not wine. I could feel Jayde’s body tense as she went into full danger mode. 

“There.” She pointed a few feet further away where a cluster of droplets adorned the tiles. 

“It’s a trail.” Jayde placed herself in front of me and together we started to follow the blood.

The trail of crimson ended in front of what seemed to be a storage closet. I moved to open it and Jayde’s arm shot out, blocking me from going any closer to the door. 

“Let me go first.” She said carefully. Before I could object she added an almost pained, “Please.” I was getting that this whole situation seemed to really put Jayde on edge. Maybe because it wasn’t as simple as a battlefield, there were no clear enemies so it made her jump at every dark corner, every mean glance. 

“Okay.” I said, allowing her to do as she wished. 

Jayde pulled open the door just enough to peek inside, body tensed and ready for any surprises. Then her shoulders went slack and she shouldered her way into the room; I didn’t hesitate to follow. Inside the closet space were four bodies strewn on the floor, blood seeping into the carpet.

“Shit…” Jayde muttered, kneeling down and placing a hand on one man’s face. “Still warm. This couldn’t have happened that long ago.”

A shiver rose up my spine as I took in the sight of the bodies. A dark omen, and a step towards that future I was in.

Jayde picked up a letter that was amongst the bodies, the top left corner drenched in blood but still readable. “What does it say?”

“It’s from Duke Gaspard to Celene…” Jayde continued, “It says Briala has a weapon that could turn the tide of war- every war… and the Duke wants to work with the Empress to stop her so they can take control…” I shook my head, none of this was making sense.

Jayde seemed to notice the wheels in my head turning, “This could be bullshit. This,” she gestured at the bodies, “It isn’t good but this could be here to throw us off.”

A loud bell interrupted our thoughts. “We need to get back to the ballroom.” I said, paranoid that we’ve already been gone too long.

Our hands met and together we hastily made our way to the ballroom, getting brief glances and smirks when I practically stumbled into the vestibule but I ignored them. 

“We need to find Leliana-“ I started, but was interrupted by a silky voice behind us.

“Well, well… What have we here,” A woman with raven colored hair approached us and regarded Jayde, “The Champion of Kirkwall, the woman who fanned the flames of war… or rather became the spark herself as some say. And,” her golden eyes sized me up. “The Inquisitor herself, Andraste’s chosen. You make quite the vision standing side by side. What could bring two powerful and legendary women to grace the Imperial court together, I wonder?” 

The woman’s voice was as smooth as an aged whiskey, tempting me to let my guard down but I knew better, especially here. I shrugged, “The weather is very lovely in Orlais this time of year.” 

A low chuckle slid out of her lungs, “Charming, Inquisitor.” Then the strange woman introduced herself, “I am Morrigan. Some call me advisor to Empress Celene on matters of the arcane.”

Jayde and I instinctually shared a glance upon the revelation. Morrigan, pretending she didn’t notice continued, “You two… Have been very busy this evening. Lurking in every dark corner of the palace.” Jayde’s muscles made the slightest twitch, a tick that could go easily unnoticed if you weren’t paying attention.

A smirk appeared on Morrigan’s lips. “Something tells me it wasn’t for naughty business. Perhaps we’re after the same thing.” It was almost posed as a question, Morrigan waiting for us to confirm her suspicions; whatever they may be.

Jayde stepped in, “Perhaps its none of your business what we do in dark corners.” Her words tinged with a warning.

Morrigan only seemed amused. “If things play out wrong tonight it may become everyone’s business, not just ours.” 

“What if we are after the same thing then?” I asked.

“Well then I would tell you that I recently encountered an unwelcome visitor in these halls. He was of the Tevinter sort, and he was carrying this.” With a subtle move, Morrigan handed me a key. “Where it leads, I do not know. I cannot leave Celene’s side long enough to find out. You can.” 

“You seriously expect us to go exactly where you want us to?” Jayde sounded calm, but her careful gaze never left Morrigan. I could see her mind trying to figure this out.

“I expect you to do what you came here to do.” Morrigan answered, turning to leave and return to wherever the Empress was. 

Once she was out of ear shot I spoke to Jayde, “What are you thinking?”

Jayde tracked Morrigan’s steps until she was completely out of sight before answering, “I think we need to check the servant’s quarters.”

“What?” I asked.

“I overheard some elven servants earlier; Briala’s people. They spoke about some of them going missing in the servant’s quarters.” Jayde noticed my cross expression, “I was going to mention it when it became relevant. It just did.” She said defensively.

I sighed, pushing my annoyance aside. “Okay. Let’s go.”

I was only half surprised when the key Morrigan gave me actually unlocked the servant’s quarters. “Time to find out if this is a trap, I guess.” I said, looking to Jayde. She nodded, signaling me that she was ready for whatever came next.

The quarters were mostly empty apart from a few bodies littering the floor. Jayde bent down to confirm they were elven and most likely Briala’s. Heading deeper into the palace I was preparing myself for the inevitable fight that could appear around any dark corner ahead of us like phantom.

In an abandoned courtyard outside another body lay by a fountain, but this man was human. “Shit…” Jayde cursed, using her boot to flip the body over. “This is the Duke’s man. He’s wearing Gaspard’s crest.” She pointed it out with the tip of a thin dagger that I didn’t know she had.

I heard movement behind me and turned in time to see someone charging at us with purpose that can only mean they wanted us dead. Before I could react, a flash of metal streaked past my head and sunk into the throat of our attacker. Jayde had thrown her knife, but produced another one that I saw was strapped to her leg. Quickly she assumed her position next to me as the courtyard filled with more enemies.

“Venatori.” Jayde growled, her back meeting mine as they surrounded us.

I drew my sword, the leather grip fitting comfortably in my hand. Blackwall managed to have it smuggled into the palace and stashed it in a corner for me to find should I need it, unfortunately I did.

We were facing off with at least half a dozen Venatori and one of the agents studied us, though I couldn’t make out his expression through the mask. He came to a decision and barked to his companions, “Kill them.” With little more than a sneer I could sense through his covered face, he bolted.

A soon as one of the remaining agents made a move to attack, Jayde and I sprang into action. My blade finding its first taste of real battle, I grimaced as I parried a quick knife blade and sliced through skin. A heavy fist connected with my left ribs, causing me to stumble gasp, but I recovered in time to block the next attack with my weapon and answered with a hard kick to the Venatori’s gut. With his balance gone I sent out a wave of energy and he landed hard on the stone path. I brought the point of my sword down on his chest to make sure he didn’t get back up.

“Arrow!” Jayde shouted and I dodged out of the way just as an arrow whistled passed.

I didn’t have time to look for who shot at me or Jayde because I was met with a massive warrior wielding a heavy hammer. The war hammer probably weighed as much as I did and I knew if he landed one good hit I would be done for. He raised his weapon high above my head and I waited until the last second to jump out of the way. The pointed head of the hammer struck the walkway where I was standing and shattered the stone like glass, turning it to rubble. It took him a moment to heft his hammer up again and I realized that’s when I would have my opportunity. 

“Give it your best shot.” I taunted.

He growled something in such a way that I wasn’t sure if he was even saying anything, but from his tone it must’ve been an insult. He raised his hammer again and my muscles tensed, ready to move. The warrior drove his hammer down with all his might and again I darted out of the way, cold metal just barely grazing my right arm on the way down. A loud boom shook the ground when the head connected with the fountain, reducing a good chunk of it to dust. Icy water droplets splattered on my face and the Venatori went to lift his hammer again. He didn’t get the chance as I charged my sword with electric blue light and jabbed it as hard as I could into his side. With a bright spark the warrior’s body jerked and spasmed, falling to his knees I yanked my blade out of him and he fell face first into the fountain. 

I turned to see one agent holding Jayde in a headlock as another looked for an opening, his back to me and the knife in his hand catching the light of the moon. Jayde saw me advancing and swiftly kicked hard at the Venatori not holding her, sending him right at me. His back met the tip of my sword and with a surprised cry he fell to the ground just like his dead companions.

The Venatori agent holding onto Jayde realized he was the only one left alive so he tightened his grip on her throat, attempting to strangle her. “Come any closer and she dies!” He yelled, his voice quivering. 

“You must not know her very well.” I told him.

A crooked grin appeared on Jayde’s lips and in no more than a couple seconds she escaped the headlock, snapped her foe’s arm, and flipped him onto his back. I moved forward and stabbed him in the chest before he could spout any curses.

Once the immediate threat was gone Jayde’s hand rested on my left cheek, “You okay?” her eyes scanned my body for any injuries. 

“I’m fine. Are you?” My hand went to her side. Apart from a bruise forming on her jaw she looked okay but the black of her dress could hide any potential blood.

“I’m okay, nothing I can’t handle.” She grabbed my hand. “We need to find that one that ran off, come on.” 

Together we started in the direction the agent went, we moved through halls and rooms throughout the palace with no sign of him until we rounded a corner into another hall and faced a few more Venatori agents. Jayde draws her two knives and in a motion so quick that I barely see it she throws one right after the other and they hit their targets; one in the throat, one in the eye. The third Venatori was still figuring out why his fellow agents suddenly dropped to the ground when I ran him through, my sword sparking with lightning magic and blue light dancing off the walls before he drops.

“You’re getting good with that.” Jayde nods to my sword proudly. 

Just then an elf woman appears seemingly out of nowhere, “Inquisitor… I’m impressed. My reports told me you were terribly boring yet I come here to avenge my people and you and your lover have already taken care of it for me.” She looks at the bodies on the floor with both pleasure and disgust.

“Briala, I presume?” I say, making the connection.

“Perceptive as well,” Briala notes. “Yes, I am Ambassador Briala. I assume given our meeting here that you are not working for Gaspard?” 

“How perceptive of you too.” Jayde says sarcastically.

Briala ignores her jab, “He’s getting desperate. Bringing these assassins into the castle, causing all this… he must be planning his strike tonight.” 

“And if he’s not who we’re looking for?” I ask.

“All the signs point to him, Inquisitor. You could prove to be a valuable ally. As I could be to you. You deal with Gaspard… and support me and my people… well, how would you like a whole network of elven spies at your disposal?” Braila suggested. I didn’t answer, my mind deep in thought while processing her words. “Think on it, Inquisitor.” Briala said, taking her leave and disappearing over the balcony like a ghost.

Jayde studied me as I continued to ponder my options, waiting for me to speak. “We really need to speak with Leliana…” I said.

We hurried back to the ballroom once again, me only muttering “How did Dorian deal with all this political plotting bullshit growing up…” on the way there. As soon as I entered the ballroom I was stopped by yet another noble no doubt looking to discuss some sort of plot about some person that may or may not be attempting to assassinate the damn Empress on this very night. I was starting to feel Jayde’s resentment towards Orlais a bit. 

I recognized the noblewoman who approached me as the Duchess who was by Celene’s side earlier, “Good evening, Inquisitor, I am Duchess Florianne. I was hoping you and I could have a discussion in private?” She asked politely and eyed Jayde warily.

“You can speak freely in front of the Champion of Kirkwall I assure you.” I told her, not wanting to part from Jayde.

Florianne seemed hesitant, but eventually relented. “My brother and my cousin have been at each other’s throats for ages. The security of the empire is at stake. Neither one of us wishes to see it fall.”

“Do we?” I asked. Out of the corner of my eye I could Jayde studying every facial expression the duchess was making.

“I hope we are of one mind on this,” the duchess continued.

“Yes, but it’s hard to tell who you can trust here is it not?”

Florianne smiled, “I know you arrived as a guest of my brother, Gaspard. I know you have been exploring the palace with your friend- sorry, lover… some might be curious, while others might have cause for concern.”

“People don’t usually feel the need to be ‘concerned’ unless they’re hiding something. Are you hiding something, duchess?” Jayde asked. 

Duchess Florianne laughed off Jayde’s accusation, “I am merely amused by you two. I wonder what role you will play in this most important evening. Do you even know who is friend and who is foe?” The question was addressed to me almost like a challenge.

“You don’t need to concern yourself with who I trust, your grace.” I used my calm and polite voice so it didn’t come off as a threat.

“Here at the Winter Palace, everyone is alone.” She stated.

“Not the Inquisitor.” Jayde told her, “Now please, your grace, can we get to the point?”

Florianne’s lip twitched up in the faintest sneer, “You have little time. Gaspard will strike soon. In the royal wing garden, you will find the captain of my brother’s mercenaries. He’s knows all of Gaspard’s secrets. I’m sure with your lovely charm, you can persuade him to be forthcoming.”

“Thank you, duchess.” With a bow she went on her way.

“I don’t like that everyone seems to be pointing fingers at Gaspard,” Jayde whispered in my ear, “It’s too simple.”

I almost laugh out loud because none of this has been simple, but I see her point. I nodded, “Who do you think it is?” 

She shrugged, “I could be wrong, and it could be Gaspard. Suppose we’ll find out when we go to the royal wing.”

“We should take Dorian and Blackwall with us. No doubt there will be more trouble.” Jayde agreed, her thumb brushing the spot on my arm where the war hammer grazed me. I don’t know if it was intentional, I didn’t know if she even witnessed my squabble with that brute, but I took comfort in the touch nonetheless.

Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine met up with us, eager for some answers. I filled them in as best I could and our discussion was going as I pictured until Leliana suggested we let Celene be assassinated.

“Are you out of your mind?” I tried to keep my voice down.

“Listen to me, Inquisitor.” Leliana started to explain her reasoning, “Corypheus wants chaos. He can still achieve that with Celene alive. To foil his plan the empire must remain strong. This evening, someone must emerge victorious.”

“And it doesn’t need to be Celene.” Cullen chimed in. “She’s right.”

I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing, “So you want me to not only stand by and let someone get murdered, but you want to bring us closer to that future I saw.” 

“That future can still be avoided with Celene dead.” Leliana said.

“If it is anything at all like what I saw I won’t have it! I can’t take that chance.” I started to panic, thinking about the terrible fates my friends had to endure. The horrific state of the world. I looked to Jayde, realizing I now had more to lose as well. 

“I agree with Nadya.” Jayde said, “You don’t tempt fate when it comes to time travel.”

Cullen looked annoyed, “Apologies, but I don’t recall any of us asking for your opinion on these matters. Why is it that the Champion suddenly has a position in our official business?” 

Jayde stepped forward to face him, “If you have a problem with it why don’t you run back to your little templars while I command the Inquisition’s army?” 

I knew Cullen was in Kirkwall when it all went to hell, but neither him nor Jayde mentioned that they’ve met before. I’m guessing now that they do know each other, and aren’t particularly friendly. I could sense an argument about to boil up between them so I stepped in.

“Jayde is here because I trust her and greatly value her input, Commander.” I channeled my authority. “And I need both of you to focus on what’s important here and now.” I made sure to make eye contact with Jayde, wordlessly telling her to keep a level head. She understood and backed down for now, though I assumed that if the Commander and the Champion interacted again it might reach well past a boiling point before long.

Having regained control, I resumed our debate, “We aren’t letting Celene die.”

“Then you must save not only her life, but the empire as well.” Leliana said.

“Well, then I should probably get proof of whoever is going to assassinate her.” I replied.

“Royal wing is a place to start.” Jayde offered. 

“Okay. Gather your troops. Be ready” I told my advisors.

They accepted my orders and went to prepare. Jayde and I gathered Blackwall and Dorian. They seemed all to relieved to be going off to a fight, I guess Orlesian court was insufferable for everyone.

“Oh, I do love a good wicked plot in the royal court.” Dorian said with glee as we searched the halls of the royal wing, “Reminds me of so many fond childhood memories.” I couldn’t tell if he was joking or being serious.

As we were coming closer to the garden the duchess mentioned we heard the furious shouting and cursing of a man coming from the other side of a door leading outside. Jayde and Blackwall took point, bursting through the door and preparing to rush any enemies.

We were met with about a dozen archers aiming at us with a fade rift pulsing green light in the middle of the yard. The mark on my hand flared up painfully but I ignored it, trying to think of a way to get us out of this.

“Inquisitor! What a pleasure! I wasn’t sure you’d attend.” Duchess Florianne greeted us from the walkway above the yard. “I’ll spare you the small talk and… get to the point.” She glared down at Jayde

“Corypheus insisted that the Empress die tonight, and I would hate to disappoint him.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to.” I bit back.

“Well, you see all I need is to keep you out of the ballroom long enough to strike. Pity we didn’t want the same thing after all.” Florianne turned her attention to her soldiers, “Kill her, and bring me her marked hand. It will make a fine gift for the master.” 

As she sauntered out of view her soldiers fired. Everyone scattered besides Jayde, who rushed toward me, grabbing me and pulling me behind a pillar for cover as arrowed whipped passed us. The rift flashed green as it opened, making me cry out in surprise and pain as the mark did the same. Jayde grabbed my left hand like she was trying to shield me from the mark. 

I looked at Jayde pleadingly, “I need you to go after her. Stop her.”

Jayde looked at me like I hit my head too hard. “And leave you? Fuck that!”

I took her face in my hands. “I can close the rift. We can stop the soldiers. If anyone can catch up to Florianne and stop her in time it’s you.” The battle kicked off around us, demons screeched as they entered our world from the fade, the ringing of metal on metal reached my ears and the air grew colder with Dorian’s cold magic. We didn’t have a lot of time. 

Jayde looked like she was going to be sick, but she nodded. Our lips met in a quick and desperate kiss, “Don’t you dare go dying on me.” She said before she moved away and sprinted to catch Florianne and stop her from fulfilling Corypheus’s wishes to plunge this world into a living nightmare. 

Getting a good sight on the rift without drawing too much attention to myself I reached out to close it. Dorian and Blackwall would have to keep the demons and the soldiers busy for a minute, if I didn’t close the rift more monsters would come pouring out. 

I got a hold on it, the familiar tugging sensation in my bones happened. I clenched my jaw as it felt like the mark was ripping through my arm, but it was working. Just before the rift closed someone tackled me to the ground, breaking my concentration. My attacker’s fist connected with the side of my face hard enough to make my vision go black for a moment. He pinned my left arm down and hefted a hand axe in the air and I realized he was going to cut my arm off with the mark. With my right hand I made a desperate grab for his throat. Since he was distracted by my mark I manage to do so and summoned a massive shock of lightning that spread through my body and out of my hand into his neck. The axe slipped out of his hand and clanged on the ground, but not without nicking my arm. I barely registered the cut as I shoved him off me, picking up his own axe and sinking it into his sternum.

Rising to my knees, I unsheathed my sword and drove it into the ground, summoning a rune of fire in front of me to hopefully discourage any head on attackers. I focused back on the rift, reaching my hand out to it again. The pain of the mark eclipsed the pain of the cut on my arm as I payed the barest attention to the blood dripping off my bicep. The rift obeyed my commands again, the tear floating above the ground beginning to shrink and shrink, finally giving way to a flash of green like a mini explosion and disappearing completely. I gripped the handle of my sword with both hands, regaining my breath. The battle wasn’t over yet.

Heat blistered my skin as some fool stepped on the rune I set, reducing whoever it was and their closest comrades to ash. I stood up, freeing my sword from the ground. Blackwall was clashing through soldiers and demons alike appearing as a vengeful Grey Warden. Dorian was conjuring a large ice storm and when we met eyes I joined in to add a lightning storm with it. Our magic combined ripped through enemies like they were made of straw sent to scare the crows away from a farmer’s crops.

After I few more electric charged icicle spikes downed the rest of the demons the garden went quiet. 

“Everyone okay?” Blackwall huffed, returning his sword to his belt.

“Here at least.” I answered after Dorian nodded and mirrored Blackwall’s movements with my own blade.

A man sat down in the corner released a string of curses and I recognized him as the voice we heard through the door. “Andraste’s tits! What was all that?” he exclaimed “Were those demons?”

“Yes, I believe those were demons.” I answered, still catching my breath.

“Maker bless me! Demons? How could there be demons in the fucking Winter Palace? I knew Gaspard was a bastard, but I didn’t think he’d feed me to fucking horrors over a damned bill.” If Jayde was here I have a feeling she would take kindly to this poor sod.

“I think we both know the Duke didn’t do this to you over a bill.” I said, getting that this was probably Gaspard’s mercenary.

The man shrugged, agreeing with me, “The duke wanted to move on the palace tonight, but he didn’t have the fancy chevaliers. So, he hired me and my men. Had to offer triple our usual pay, stinking poncy cheesemongers.” He grumbled. Yeah, if Jayde were here she might’ve hired him herself. 

“Want a new job? The inquisition can pay you better.” I offered.

“If you’re hiring, I’m game. Anything’s better than this bullshit. You want me to talk to the Empress, or the court, or sing a blasted song in the Chantry, I’ll do it.” He accepted.

“Always nice making new friends.” Dorian said.

“Come on,” I turned to Dorian and Blackwall. “Let’s see if Jayde managed to stop Florianne.” 

Racing through the halls back to the ballroom we saw little sign of Jayde or the duchess until we got closer to the vestibule. There was an overturned chair and a broken table along with a few blood droplets by the door leading to the main festivities.

“Please be okay…” I mumbled to myself as I opened the door. The vestibule was empty, but you could hear commotion coming from the ballroom. I picked up my pace before my imagination conjured some horrific sight and burst through the main doors. 

Jayde stood before Empress Celene, Florianne a crumpled and bloody mess on the floor at her feet with the entirety of the attending nobles watching in excitement and awe like it was a grand show. Palace guards standing nearby, looking from Jayde, to the unconscious duchess on the floor, to the empress, unsure of what to do and awaiting their majesty’s orders. I think Jayde was in the middle of explaining the situation when she heard the doors open and whirled around to see me. 

Relief softened her face as I’m sure it did mine and she abandoned her position, rushing to embrace me. We crashed into each other and she held me tight. She pulled back enough to inspect my body for injuries and noticed the fresh bruise on my cheek along with the cut on my arm, her fingers gently brushing over my wounds like her touch could heal them. On her I noticed bloody and bruised knuckles, a split lip and bloody nose to go with it, but she appeared otherwise unharmed which I was beyond grateful for. 

“You’re okay?” Jayde asked as if she didn’t fully trust her eyes. She clutched my left hand like she did in the garden, like she could shield me from any harm the mark brought me.

I nodded, “I’m okay. Are you?” I wiped away the blood dripping down her chin with my thumb. 

She just smiled, “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Someone cleared their throat loudly and I remembered the large crowd around us, our purpose here. Slightly embarrassed I reluctantly pulled away from Jayde and faced the Empress.

“I assume you understand at least some of this?” I asked.

Celene regarded her unconscious cousin laying pitifully on the ballroom floor. “I do. Though I must admit, seeing the Champion of Kirkwall burst into my ballroom battling my cousin mercilessly while I gave my speech was a bit of a startle.” 

“If I was merciless she’d be dead.” Jayde said plainly. 

“The point is this was an assassination attempt on your life. Florianne plotted with Corypheus to take your throne.” I made the announcement loud enough for everyone to hear. “With your permission your majesty I would like to take the duchess into custody.” 

The Empress nodded allowing the Inquisition soldiers to chain up Florianne and drag her away. In a private meeting with Celene, I managed damn the duke to a much-deserved fate and earn the gratitude of the Empress herself. As Celene announced the end of the civil war she pledged that the empire would stand with the Inquisition, offering any and all aid to our cause and to my surprise the nobles cheered at that. 

The party continued on with a new air about it, people rejuvenated by the end of the civil war. I started to feel my muscles ache, adrenaline having finally left my system after the excitement and tension of the night. I made my way outside for some fresh air taking in the night sky briefly before looking down at myself. The dress I wore was torn in some places and splattered with blood, I’m sure I’ll get an earful from Josephine for it. It was still beautiful though and I scrubbed at some of the dry blood with the heel of my hand, attempting to clean it up a little, but with no results.

“There you are.” A familiar voice spoke beside me. 

Smiling I looked up. Jayde had been cleaned up a little, blood didn’t decorate her face anymore and her split lip was already mending itself. Fully formed bruises dotted her face like purple storm clouds, when I smiled I could feel my own sore flesh on my cheek. She looked as beautiful as ever, though. A hardened warrior in a dress made of glittering gold and the night sky itself.

“I could get a healer to help with… all of that.” I told her, wrapping my arms around her waist when she got to me. 

She chuckled, “I’ll be fine. I’ve had far worse as you know.” Her hand came up to brush a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

I sighed a little, “Nothing you can’t handle, right?” she hummed in agreement, just staring at me, taking in every detail of me.

“I think we should stay here tonight. Celene offered us rooms and I have no desire to spend hours on the road looking for a place to camp right now.” I said, hoping she wouldn’t argue.

Jayde gave another positive hum. It was then I realized we were swaying slightly to the music playing inside. “Let’s pretend we’re dancing.” I said, resting my forehead against hers.

“As far as I’m concerned, we are.” She replied. 

We stayed like that for a while, not saying much and just letting the stress of the night drift out of us and into the stars. As the night came to a close we found our way to the rooms Celene lent us. Jayde hesitated outside my door, unsure if she should come in.

“Stay with me.” I grabbed her hand, pulling her inside.

There were fresh clothes for us to wear on the bed, two sets and I guessed Celene just assumed we would be staying in the same room. By a mirror there was some mild first aid; bandages, potions, poultices and Jayde went straight to it.

“Have you cleaned that yet?” she asked about the cut on my arm.

Remembering it was there I glanced at it, dried blood making trails down my arm. “Oh… no I haven’t.” 

“Sit down somewhere.” Jayde ordered as she gathered what she needed.

I sat down on the bed and felt sweet relief and my muscles relaxed. Jayde came over, sat beside me and inspected my wound, “Doesn’t look too bad. Sometimes with cuts the blood makes it look worse than it is.” She proceeded to carefully wipe it clean with a wet rag and I only felt a little sting. 

I remembered the way her wound looked, the terrible shape she was in, the fear I felt. I focused in on her face as she worked, her brow furrowed in concentration, or concern, or both. She must’ve sensed me watching her because she glanced up. Those deep stormy sea eyes staring into my amber ones. I couldn’t hold back anymore so I leaned in to kiss her. I tasted something I couldn’t name on her lips, something sweet mixed with the faint metallic tinge of her own blood. I tried to be gentle in favor of her split lip, but she leaned in to deepen the kiss, her hands tangled in my hair to bring me closer.

I felt a shift in me. I wanted this. I wanted her. All of her. And I wanted to give her all of me too. 

I could feel her start to pull back, not wanting to overwhelm me, but I held her there. Jayde’s whole body tensed and she leaned back to look at me with wide eyes. “Don’t hold back.” I told her, my heartrate going from a trot to a full-blown sprint now. 

With a couple beats of hesitation, she shifted and slowly pushed me down on the bed, watching my expression closely. I didn’t object and pulled her down on top of me, my hands shaking slightly, but in a good way. She stared down at me and I counted my skipping heartbeats. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Her lips met mine again and she started a slow passionate pace, eventually her tongue meeting mine. She stopped herself once more, much to my dismay and settled her gaze upon me.

“You tell me if you want to stop at any time.” I nodded and tried to pull her back down, but she wouldn’t budge. “Nadya. Any time.” She wanted verbal confirmation.

“Okay…” I nodded again. “Okay. I’ll let you know.” 

With that she lowered her body fully on top of me and kissed me again with an intoxicating vigor. Jayde’s hands started to wander around my body causing me to sigh into her mouth and run my hands through her silky hair to pull her closer. Her lips started to trail off, softly kissing the bruise on my cheek, to her teeth nipping at my jawline, to her tongue brushing against my pulse. Her hand glided up my bare thigh, pushing the hem of my dress up and urging my leg to wrap around her waist. All of it was setting my veins on fire in a thrilling almost scary way and all I wanted was more. 

I was nearly breathless and when she started to grind down on me I was afraid of actually passing out. To combat this, I reached up and started undoing the buttons and lace on her dress. This whole situation seemed so unreal that I half expected her to stop me but she didn’t; only rewarded me with and encouraging rock of her hips that made me moan. It took more than a minute with me fumbling and delirious with lust to loosen the ties enough for her to slip the dress off. She was completely topless now and just when I thought my heart couldn’t beat any faster it picked up its pace. I flipped us over so I was on top, straddling her. 

Jayde’s body was half beautifully toned muscle, half battle scars. Sword slashes, arrow piercings, creatures’ claws and bite marks- you name it. She didn’t seem bothered by them, in fact she seemed rather proud of all she survived, but my fingers traced the freshest scar. The one where I had a full view of the suffering it caused. 

Her hand grasped mine, “I’m okay.” She whispered like a promise.

I pulled her up into a sitting position and let our mouths meet again, letting my tongue find hers. Soon my pretty, ripped, and bloodstained dress made its way off me and joined Jayde’s on the floor. I let her show me what to do, let her hand guide mine, let her lips roam free on my body. I clutched her so tightly, my fingers digging into her back so that I was worried I might be hurting her, but I couldn’t control myself as I gasped her name. She didn’t seem to mind it as much as she seemed to like it; and when she did the same to me I almost chastised myself out loud for not doing this sooner.

With the both of us completely worn out, I pulled her close to me and bundled us up in the thick royal Orlesian blankets. My lips rested on an old scar that adorned the back of her shoulder from what she couldn’t remember. I don’t remember falling asleep, just remember listening to Jayde talk about home as I felt the soothing vibration of her low voice under my skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always don't be afraid to leave a comment!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah I'm totally posting this at almost 4 am... anyway enjoy!

“Don’t hold back.” I had told her.

My body landed in the dirt yet again will a dull thump as Jayde knocked me off balance, dust clouding around my body. Jayde certainly had obliged my wishes over and over again this morning. The Inquisition army was camped about a days journey from Adamant Fortress and we decided to stay here for a day or so. Get our final battle plans in order and prepare for a fight.

Blackwall was ever amused as he watched on, offering some tips for me now and then to add on to Jayde’s tutelage. My body was bound to be sore and bruised later, but I greatly enjoyed spending time with Jayde and Blackwall in this way. Per Blackwall’s suggestion, I asked Jayde to train me in hand-to-hand combat and she was delighted to do so. Unfortunately for me, her and Blackwall shared the same predisposition to wake just before the sun itself does.

“Almost.” Jayde said barely out of breath and reaching down to help me up.

“I’ll have it next round.” I told her, holding up a finger to allow myself a couple more seconds of rest on the ground, my chest heaving. 

A chuckled escaped her lips as her hand fell to her side and she trudged off toward a table set with food and water. I kept my eyes on the sky watching the clouds slowly roll by through the break in the trees, letting my breathing calm down.

“That cloud kind of looks like a fennec.” I mumbled, lazily pointing up.

“She might be gone for the rest of the day…” Blackwall grumbled to Jayde.

Jayde shrugged, her gaze shifting from the water she was pouring to the sky, “I think it looks like a dragon.”

I squinted, “How do you see a dragon?” I asked. Blackwall snorted and proceeded to carve up an apple with his knife.

Jayde came back over and sat down in the dirt beside me, setting a cup of water by my head. “The wings,” She pointed at the cloud, her finger tracing the white wisps.

“Those are the fox’s ears.” I told her, pushing myself up into a sitting position to take generous swigs of the water Jayde brought me.

“I see more of a dragon than a fox.” She said almost like a challenge, pointing back up, “See, there’s the head… and the tail there.” I tilted my head closer to her, trying to get in her point of view as best I could.

“Okay…” I said, “I see what you’re saying. It’s still a fox though.” 

“Well, agree to disagree.” She teased, her crooked grin flashing in my direction.

I playfully bumped my shoulder into hers, finishing off my water. She took my empty cup, pushing herself back up. “Ready for more?” Jayde asked and this time I accepted her outstretched hand, letting her pull me to my feet. 

“Is all this training really necessary?” Varric’s asked as he entered the clearing, “After all aren’t you basically the Inquisitor’s personal body guard now, Hawke?” The dwarf winked at Jayde with a smug look on his face.

Jayde snorted, walking over to return the cup to the table. “The best way I can protect her is to teach her to protect herself.” 

“That and being a human shield occasionally. You’re good at that.” I sensed just a hint of annoyance in his voice under the layer of his usual sass. My mind went to her battle scars. How many hits had she taken for people she cared about? I thought about what Stroud said when Jayde was still in bad shape from her wounds; she had saved him in the ambush. How many hits would she take for me? I wasn’t eager to find out. 

Jayde smacked his shoulder like it was a joke, but the evidence was written all over her body. My uneasiness must have shown because when she turned back to me her head tilted slightly and her eyes narrowed. 

Varric spoke again, “Before you two get all rough and tumble again, Baldy wants to speak with you.” He directed this at Jayde.

I shook off any negative feelings to make room for my confusion, “What does Solas need with you?” I asked Jayde.

“Oh, I just have some questions about the fade rifts, battle strategies…” She trailed off a bit. “We are about to go into a full-scale battle soon, should probably study up. I’ll be back shortly.” I sensed there was more to her meeting with Solas, but I didn’t want to pressure her for answers. I figured she would tell me when she needed to.

Jayde reached for my left hand and brought it up to her mouth, her lips brushing against my knuckles in a brief kiss before going off to meet Solas. I watched her walk away, Varric and I exchanging a glance. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but he held his tongue and left me to my training.

“Back to it.” Blackwall commanded me, stepping forward and preparing to take Jayde’s place as my tutor. “Those demons won’t know what hit them if you keep at it.” 

I smiled at his confidence in me and shoved aside any distractions floating around in my head. Jayde was right. The battle was coming, and they were going to keep coming until all this was over. She could do her studying, I needed to do mine.

Blackwall and I fell into a steady rhythm to finish off my training for the day, showing me how to redirect an enemy’s momentum to throw them off balance. Jayde was quick and agile, which was how she could best me so easily; Blackwall was larger and stronger, but he relied more on brute force and that made him just a bit slower than me. I could be overpowered by Blackwall, but if I had a mindset like Jayde I could out-maneuver him. After a couple more rounds of putting this technique to the test I was starting to feel our scuffle shift in my favor. I dodged Blackwall’s wide swing and swung my leg faster than he could react, tripping him up and using the momentum from his missed punch to shove him to the ground. 

With a grunt, Blackwall landed in the dirt and began laughing proudly. “Shame your girl didn’t see that.” 

“I’ll be sure to give her a firsthand experience later.” I said, impressed with myself. 

Blackwall chuckled as I helped pull him to his feet. “Let’s call it a day. You should run off and do whatever it is Inquisitors do.” 

A laugh escaped my lips, “Yes, I’ll get right to it Ser Blackwall.” I saluted. 

“Don’t get too cheeky with me.” He warned.

“Cheeky? Me?” I feigned surprise, “I wouldn’t dream of it Ser Blackwall.”

Blackwall couldn’t hide the smile that appeared on his face. “Go on then. Off you go.” He waved me away, “Training same time tomorrow, before we break camp.”

“Got it.” I replied, leaving the makeshift training area to wash up a bit.

On my way to the river with a bucket in hand I spotted Cole sitting cross-legged at the base of a tree. When I got closer he didn’t acknowledge me, but I knew that he knew I was there. Cole’s expression was blocked by his wide hat so I set down my bucket and joined him on the ground. 

“Hello, Cole.” I greeted him, but he still didn’t pay me any attention. I could see his troubled expression now that I was down on his level and his eyes were focused forward, on something specific. 

Following his gaze through the bustle of Inquisition soldiers moving about the camp I struggled for a moment to see what he was staring at so intently. Then my vision caught what he was seeing; Jayde stood before a table where Solas sat looking over some papers. They were deep in a discussion and I could tell even from this distance that it wasn’t a pleasant one. Jayde kept clenching and unclenching her hands while constantly shifting on her feet like she was unable to stay still. Solas watched her with an exasperated scowl and said something to her that just seemed to agitate her more.

“She is very afraid.” Cole spoke quietly as he watched on. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, giving Cole a brief confused glance. “Afraid of what?”

“The mark… ‘It’s going to kill her.’” Cole’s words made my stomach drop and it took me a beat to realize he was quoting Jayde, whether it was her thoughts or if she expressed these feelings to someone like Varric, but hers all the same. I understood why she was meeting with Solas now. He was the one who stopped my mark from spreading, who knew about it more than anyone.

“Roaring, crashing, ground shaking, the sky on fire, a knife piercing flesh…” Cole was rocking himself as he was going through what I can only assume were Jayde’s worst memories, “Blood on my hands, dripping, hot like the fires… How could I have gotten it so wrong…?” I could hear Jayde shouting now, though I couldn’t make out her words from this distance through all the other noises in the camp. She looked like she was ready to punch Solas, but he just scowled up at her silently.

Cole continued, “It’s going to kill her and I would have failed again… I cannot fail her. I cannot fail her...” Jayde pointed her finger at Solas sternly and barked what looked like a command at him before storming off, a few of the soldiers nearby looked on nervously and Solas sighed deeply, rearranging the papers in front of him.

The past couple minutes had sent my head spinning with many emotions, mostly fear. I looked at my hand. Of course, I had considered the possibly of the mark being deadly to me, after all it had almost killed me once before, but Solas had stopped it from spreading. The mark was a tool I needed, it was the only thing that could seal the fade rifts. Now my mind was full of what ifs. What if it does start spreading again and it succeeds in killing me? What if it somehow corrupts me and turns me into an abomination? 

I realized that I have had these fears since I got the mark. I’ve just pushed it aside in favor of bigger problems. Jayde and I share the same fear. I could feel my heart start to race while I thought about the horrific possibilities. Before they got too intense I fiercely shut it away to try and ignore it. There were already a hundred different things that terrified me and if I could push this away I had to. That meant ignoring Jayde’s fear too which might be difficult if she kept making scenes trying to fix something that wasn’t a problem… at least it wasn’t a problem yet. 

I needed to busy myself with something other than worrying about this so I stood up and retrieved my bucket. As I was walking away I suddenly remembered Cole and my steps faltered. He was still cross-legged at the base of the tree and staring ahead, though not with the same interest as when Jayde and Solas were arguing.

“Cole…” I started, but realized I didn’t really know what to say. He had essentially absorbed a lot of Jayde’s negative feelings and while Cole may not be strictly human I can’t imagine that kind of energy would be good for anyone. Letting out a sigh, I kneeled beside him. “I know you worry a lot about people that are hurting, but remember to take care of yourself too.” I reached out and gave his shoulder a little pat. Cole simply nodded and began playing with a couple sticks on the ground beside him. 

Leaving Cole to his business I set out to find a task that would keep my mind busy. I talked with troops to check up on morale and had an in-depth discussion with Cullen about the upcoming battle at Adamant Fortress. I was talking with Cullen both out of necessity and partly to avoid Jayde, which I hated myself for. I knew that if I saw her she would still be in a sour mood. If I asked her if she was okay she would most likely deflect and that would draw my brain back to the things Cole said. So, I did what left a bad taste in my mouth and avoided her for most of the day to allow her to cool off. Hopefully she would go back to pretending nothing was wrong and I could forget about this.

As the day went on it was hard to tell if I was just really good at avoiding Jayde or if she was avoiding me too. Night was approaching now and Dorian came up to me with a bottle and two tankards in his hands. He offered me one of the cups and I accepted, my hand gripping the wooden handle in a not so subtle vice grip.

“What’s this for?” I asked as Dorian poured an amber liquid into my tankard.

“Well, we are going off to battle soon. For some men here, it may be their last. Might as well enjoy ourselves a bit.” He answered as he filled his own cup, “And by the look of you and your moody lady love today, I’m sensing you’re going through a bit of a spat.”

“We’re not going through a spat.” I answered quickly, “It’s complicated… I’d rather not talk about it.”

Dorian smirked, “That’s what the alcohol is for, darling.”

I let out a little laugh and took a sip, letting the smooth liquid settle on my tongue for a moment to let the burn creep in. It hurt, but in a good way like cracking your back. It woke up my senses and helped clear my head, though I knew it would have the opposite effect if I drank more than what was in my cup. Dorian admired the flavor of the drink and swiftly downed the rest of his tankard, pouring another serving shortly after. 

“Better hurry up if you’re to keep pace with me.” He said.

I shook my head, “Oh, I’m afraid we won’t be having a contest tonight.” Dorian pouted. “I have another early training session tomorrow before we break camp.”

“Why must you be so professional?” Dorian asked before shrugging, “Well, that’s the point I suppose…”

“As soon as we’re back in Skyhold we’ll play cards, get drunk, and make fun of Cullen. I promise.” I said, bringing the cup to my lips for another drink.

Dorian beamed, “There she is.” He held out his cup for a toast, “To our future endeavors.” 

Our cups clinked together and we continued to enjoy our beverages and make jokes until my cup was empty and the stars were out in their full glory. I could see the Inquisition soldiers doing the same as us, drinking and telling stories by the fires. Dorian was right, not all of them would make it to the end of this war. The thought broke my heart, but at least they had these happy moments with their comrades; getting drunk off their asses, and preparing to fight for something they believed in. I couldn’t ask for better troops. 

When I felt like calling it a night I said goodbye to Dorian and made my way to my tent. Jayde was already there, sitting in front of the fire by herself and drinking from a steaming mug. She seemed calm, serene really, the flames of the fire reflecting in her dark eyes and making her golden hair almost glow. As beautiful as ever. Her eyes shifted up as she heard my approach and slowly stood. There was an odd air around us like we both knew the other was holding something back.

“I’m pretty tired.” I told her before she could speak. “We have an early morning… should probably get some rest.”

Jayde nodded wordlessly, her gaze going to her feet. She wouldn’t look at me as I passed her so I grabbed her arm gently, “Try not to stay up too late.” I said, and she looked up. I hesitated a moment and then leaned in, placing a kiss on her cheek. 

Jayde’s expression softened, “I’ll be in there soon.” 

Sure enough, not long after I settled into the furs, Jayde entered our tent and made herself comfortable behind me. Her arm wrapped around my waist and she was quiet as her body relaxed against mine, our breathing matching up. I let myself drift off, any stress from the day slipping away along with my consciousness. 

I dreamt of glowing hot blood on my hands. The streams of crimson were more like lava than actual blood. It dripped from my hands and made hissing noises as it hit the ground between my feet, leaving streaks of scorched flesh on my wrists and hands. Upon further examination I realized the blood was coming from the mark on my hand. White hot mutated blood pouring from the glowing green gash on my left palm and showing no signs of stopping. I felt the heat, didn’t feel any pain from it, but my mind was still convinced it was there, forcing me to cry out. Panic set in and I tried to use cold magic to temper the heat even though I knew it was futile. My magic wouldn’t work. 

Without warning I was pulled away from the dream, waking up. Instinctively I reached out for Jayde but the spot next to me was empty. I sat up in the tent and immediately checked my hand; the mark was there, but there was no molten blood, no burns. I sighed in relief and took a few moments for my mind to clear. When my breathing reached a relatively calm pace I looked to the empty space beside me and I understood exactly why Jayde wasn’t asleep. Clearly this issue wasn’t going away and it couldn’t be ignored if my dream told me anything. I waited a couple more minutes in the tent, still wondering if I could avoid this, but I knew I couldn't. Taking a deep breath, ran a hand through my hair and stood up, exiting the tent. 

Jayde stood before the dying embers of our fire with her arms crossed, eyes closed and head tilted up to the sky. There weren’t any signs of dawn yet and the only light came from the moon and a few torches off in the distance, most of the camp fast asleep.

I stared at her for a few seconds, both admiring how peaceful she looked and building up the nerve to say something. If she sensed that I was there she didn’t show it, her expression calm as she soaked up the moonlight. Again a part of me nearly stopped myself from saying anything. I could try to go back to ignoring this blight in my mind, but I knew that would only make it worse. 

“You think I’m going to die.” I said plainly.

Jayde’s eyes shot open and her head snapped in my direction. The color drained from her face and she looked like she had seen a ghost. “Who told you that?” she asked it so quietly that I read it on her lips more than I heard her say it. Her body went very still.

I ignored her question, “You think the mark will kill me. Or worse you think it might corrupt me.” I moved closer to her. “You think I might end up like Anders.” She flinched.

“Stop.” The word came out like she couldn’t get air into her lungs.

I couldn’t stop now, “If that does happen to me, I want that.” My hands began to shake. “If I become something you have to- “ 

“Stop!” Jayde cut me off, her voice breaking and her eyes began to water.

“I will not end up a monster…” My vision of her began to blur and I fought back my own tears unsuccessfully. “What are you doing here, Jay?” I asked when she didn’t say anything.

“What do you mean?” Jayde asked, tears falling freely. “I’m here to fight that creature. I’m here to- “

“I mean, what are you doing with me?” I clarified, “If I really am living on borrowed time, why be with me? Why put yourself through that?” 

Jayde pressed the heel of her palm into her eyes like she was nursing a bad headache. “Because I don’t… want to lose you.” She sucked in a breath of air, then let it out with a trembling voice, “Nadya, I can’t…” 

My hands went to her wrists and I gripped them tightly both in an attempt to steady my quaking muscles and to get her attention, “You’re afraid. It’s okay to be afraid, I’m afraid all the damn time!” I brought her hands up with mine, “But look…” I put my left hand in both of hers, but she wouldn’t look at me.

“Look, Jayde.” I repeated. Another moment passed and finally her gaze went to my hand, to the mark. “It’s not spreading. It’s not killing me.”

“Are you asking me to wait around until it does?” She asked, unconvinced.

“Yes and no. I need the mark, and right now it’s not a threat to me… but if it does…” The thought scared me as much as it scared her.

“I won’t let it.” She said with a determination that filled my heart with warmth. She looked at me with a fire in her eyes that told me she would never give me up, the intensity of it nearly took my breath away.

“Neither will I.” I replied. I didn't know if that was an empty promise, but I knew I would fight to keep it. 

Jayde cupped my face with both her hands and leaned in. I met her halfway, my arms wrapping around her waist to pull her closer. When our lips met I tasted the saltiness of her tears. The kiss was slow and sweet, I could tell we both wanted to savor it. Taking in each other’s breath, each other’s taste, holding on to our pounding heartbeats and the wonderful ache that came with being so close to her.

She pulled away and rested her forehead against mine. “I’m sorry.” Her thumb stroked my cheek absently. 

I shook my head slightly, “I’m not angry about it. I just need you focused on what’s in front of us. I need you with me.”

“I’m with you.” Jayde reassured me, her gaze alight with that intense look again. 

I couldn’t help but kiss her. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can kiss her. There are moments when she looks so gorgeous, when she does something simple yet so true to herself that I find myself wishing I could touch her, wishing I could feel her lips on mine only to realize with beautiful euphoria that I can. Even if I hadn’t already kissed her countless times before there would be nothing to stop me from doing it now. 

We broke apart to breathe. I kept my eyes closed and felt Jayde’s thumb tracing my bottom lip, her breath still warm against my skin. She gave me one more soft kiss, her lips lingering against mine. 

“We should go to bed.” Jayde said against my mouth, pulling me out of my daze.

I nodded, allowing her to pull me back to the tent. Once we got comfortable in the cozy furs together, I brushed some of her hair behind her ear, my eyes struggling to study the fine details of her face in the dark tent.

“You can talk to me about the things that are bothering you.” I told her.

“I know.” She said quietly. “I didn’t want to scare you.”

“I know you didn’t, and a part of me appreciates that but,” I inhaled slowly, “Even if it scares us both, just talk to me. I would rather you face something terrifying with me by your side than suffer alone.”

At that Jayde nodded and pulled me closer, I buried my face in the crook of her neck, her fingers beginning to lazily run through my hair. We stayed in silence for a few minutes, letting our bodies calm down. Jayde spoke again, “It was Cole wasn’t it? He told you what I was thinking?”

“Don’t be mad at him, he was just trying to help.” She didn’t sound angry, but I still felt the need to say it.

“I’m not mad.” She told me, “And for the record, I don’t think you’re going to die.” Jayde paused for a moment, “Sometimes I can’t control my thoughts… things- awful things will pop into my head out of nowhere. The mark scared me from the first time I saw you use it and I just…” She trailed off as she struggled to explain.

“I understand. I know you’ve lost a lot…” I thought of when I was thrown into a future where the war was lost, leaving the world in ruins and I saw my friends suffer terrible fates, even sacrificing themselves. It was awful to experience, I still had nightmares about it, but no matter how dark things had gotten in that world I had hope that I could fix it and I did. Jayde lost her family, her friends, Anders… she couldn’t change that. I can only imagine the panic she must’ve felt when she started thinking I might be next.

“I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to save me from the mark. There’s no need to.” A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth for a moment. “It is nice to know someone cares enough about me to try and do something about it, though.”

Jayde’s breathing had started to slow more and more as we were talking and I knew she was falling asleep. When she does I won’t be far behind her, the warmth and comfort of the blankets and her body against mine beginning to lull me towards sleep. 

There was still some consciousness apparent in her, though she was fading. “I’d do anything for you, Nadya.” The words came out mumbled, but I could feel that she meant them.

The rise and fall of her chest, her heart thumping with a soothing rhythm, the warmth from the blood running through her veins, just how very alive she was in my arms awed me. Her devotion made my chest bloom with a feeling that was hard to understand at first; it was like a sunrise was happening within me, spreading light throughout my body. I realized that the dawn had started approaching before he even kissed me for the first time, but when her lips finally touched mine the sunrays had started to break through the night sky. Now the valleys and rivers were alight with gentle gold, covering miles and miles.

“I would do the same for you, Jay.” I whispered, hoping she would feel it as I did. 

Jayde shifted slightly and her lips brushed against my forehead delicately, her fingers running through my hair. It was a simple gesture, one that she had done before, but this time there was a weight to it. A weight that I felt when the breath of her warm sigh caressed the top on my head. Sleep took the both of us not long after. To my relief I did not dream of searing hot blood or of my mark at all. Instead I dreamt of living clouds chasing each other through the trees.

In the morning I was awoken by the smell of cooking food. Once again, the spot next to me was empty, but judging by the early morning light and the noise of a busy camp, Jayde was awake for normal reasons. I rubbed my eyes lazily and stretched, my bones and muscles singing gratefully. Not fully ready to get up, I draped my forearm over my eyes. Surely, I could get five more minutes…

The tent shifted as someone entered, “Are you awake?” Jayde asked.

“No.” I groaned, not moving.

She chuckled lightly and sat beside me, “Shall I eat breakfast by myself then?” 

“Maybe.” I answered and finally put my arm down. My eyes struggled to focus for a few moments from the pressure of my forearm, when I saw her clearly, I noticed her hair was tied up messily with loose strands framing her face in gold. “You could just come back to bed with me.” I offered.

Jayde hummed and the back of her finger brushed my cheek, “That is very tempting, but I did make us some breakfast…”

“You?” I asked, the revelation jolting me awake. “You can cook?”

She nodded, “Mhm. I’m quite good at it.”

I sat up on my elbows marveling at her, “You know, you surprise me sometimes.”

A bright, almost bashful smile appeared on her face and she leaned down to kiss me, but stopped centimeters away from my lips. “You surprise me every morning I get to wake up next to you.” 

Jayde closed the distance and I smiled into the kiss. It started out playful, then she took my bottom lip between her teeth in a way that made my heart skip a beat. It seemed like she knew exactly what she did when that crooked smile of hers appeared. It was almost like she knew exactly how it made me feel. I then pulled her on top of me, the comfortable weight of her body settling on me. Her lips went to the corner of my mouth, to my cheek, to my jawline, my neck. I sucked in a quick breath when her teeth scraped against my skin and my hand went to the back of her neck to urge her on. Her teeth bit down harder, eliciting a gasp from my mouth and one of her hands started exploring up my shirt, her warm fingers brushing against my stomach and traveling up.

Suddenly a voice came from outside the tent, “I find it unlikely that both of you are still asleep in there so finish up whatever it is you are doing because we have a battle to prepare for.” Blackwall sounded a bit awkward as if he knew he caught us in an intimate moment even though he couldn’t see us through the tent. 

“Um, yes, we’ll be out in a second.” I stammered slightly embarrassed. Jayde struggled to hold back a laugh against my neck, which tickled and made a giggle bubble up from my chest as well.

“Should I leave you to it…?” Blackwall asked carefully.

“Yes.” Jayde replied immediately, her hand going upwards an inch further. 

I coughed to cover up my groan and poked her side. She jerked in surprise and her hand retreated while she continued to laugh. “No! We’re coming out.” I said, my voice giddy with laughter to match Jayde’s. 

Jayde began to push herself up and I quickly stole one more kiss, “Later.” I said in a low voice so only she could hear me. She bit her bottom lip and looked me up and down like she had to restrain herself from commanding Blackwall to go and taking me right here and now. I knew I wouldn’t stop her and a big part of me wanted her to even though Blackwall was right and we had things to do. It was hard not to just stay in here all day and not think about the world ending. 

Eventually Jayde opted for being patient and rose to her feet, offering her hand to pull me up with her. When we exited the tent, I ran my hands through my hair to give it a quick brush. A large skillet sat beside the fire with cooked meat, eggs, and vegetables that smelled delicious, my stomach rumbling at the sight. 

“Have you eaten yet, Blackwall?” Jayde asked.

Blackwall was still a little red, but he brushed it off. “I can go get my own breakfast.” He said, not wanting to impose. 

“Nonsense, there’s enough for you here.” Jayde insisted.

Jayde filled a two bowls and handed one to me first. When I thanked her for it, her hand went to my waist and she gave me a quick peck on the cheek. She handed the other bowl to Blackwall, who expressed his thanks as well. Jayde gathered her own portion and we all sat around the fire, the warmth helping with the brisk morning air. The food was perfectly cooked and seasoned, even better than some of the meals I’ve enjoyed at Skyhold. The freshly hunted meat was bursting with flavor along with the runny yolk from the egg and the vegetables paired lovely with all of it. 

“You weren’t kidding…” I said between bites, “Where’d you learn to cook like this?”

Jayde had a proud grin on her face as she watched me eat greedily. “I taught myself mostly. When I was on my own I got quite bored with shitty tavern food and scraps. Found out I kind of liked cooking and just went with it.”

“I’ll say…” I mumbled into my bowl and Blackwall hummed in agreement.

Jayde cast a side glance at him, a few moments of silence passed before she asked, “Are you worried about fighting the Wardens, Blackwall?”

He looked up, “I will do what needs to be done. Who knows? Maybe we can talk some sense in to them… at least some of them.”

Jayde scoffed, “I don’t know, seems like they’re too deep in their own shit for that now.” 

Blackwall scowled at her and I cleared my throat as a warning to her. Only then did she notice that what she said might’ve been a bit insensitive, but she shrugged, “If you want to try and negotiate I’ll follow your lead, but from where I’m standing it seems likely that they won’t give a fuck what you have to say. They’ve got it in their thick skulls that their way is the right way despite all the chaos they’re causing.”

“They’re afraid. They think this way is the only way, yes, but if we show them the right way they can change. Make up for it.” Blackwall argued. 

“We all do stupid things when we’re afraid…” I added calmly.

Jayde made eye contact with me, “That’s no excuse.” She said with a hint of guilt.

I nodded slowly, looking away from her briefly before meeting her gaze again. “If we don’t get a chance to make up for our mistakes then what’s the point of anything?” 

“Some people don’t deserve that chance.” She said.

“I disagree. People are capable of anything.” I put my empty bowl down and shifted in my seat so I was completely facing her.

Jayde sighed, “Yeah, people are capable of anything.” She put her bowl down as well, “The last time I gave someone that chance they ended up murdering my mother.” Her tone wasn’t accusatory like I almost expected it to be due to our debate, if anything her voice was heavy with guilt and deep sadness. 

Part of what Cole said yesterday rang in my head, 'How could I have gotten it so wrong?'. Was that one of the reasons she killed Anders? Because she couldn’t take the chance after what he did? I understood why she felt this way, but still couldn’t fully agree with her. 

I grabbed her hand and brought her knuckles up to my lips. “I am so sorry you had to go through that.” Jayde shook her head a little dismissively, but I continued, “I wish I could free you from that pain, but the fact is that not everyone is like the person that did that to your mother. If someone is willing to try and make up for their sins, then I need to be willing to let them because everyone has the potential for greatness. They can save lives, they can save themselves if you give them the opportunity.” Jayde was quiet for a long moment. I remembered that Blackwall was there and I saw him watching our discussion intently, but not wanting to intervene. 

“I understand your points.” Jayde finally spoke, “They’re good points, but…” She shook her head, “I don’t think I’m capable of thinking like that. I won’t stand in your way, though. I trust you.”

A horn blew somewhere within the camp and someone announced that we would be breaking camp in a few short hours. “We should get some training done before we leave.” Blackwall said.

Jayde and I stared at each other a moment longer before we got up and readied ourselves, putting out the fire and taking down the tent. It didn’t take too long with all three of us working at it. There weren't many words shared among us other than assistance with the tent. When we were finished, Blackwall gestured for us to follow him to the training area. Just as I went to follow him, Jayde caught my arm. “Hey, are we good?” She asked, unsure of herself.

I smiled at her, “Of course we are. I know we won’t agree on everything. Your own opinion doesn’t make me like you any less.” I hesitated on the word ‘like’, almost using another word… 

Before I could dwell on it Jayde kissed me, making me forget any tangles in my mind and letting me focus solely on her for a few glorious seconds. She pulled me along, her fingers laced with mine and eager to train with me. The battle at the fortress was almost upon us. I was afraid, but with Jayde and my friends by my side I felt better about our odds. Watching her look at me with that small smile, the way she squeezed my hand brought me back to that word I almost used. The sunrise inside me was as bright as ever. I knew the sun wouldn’t set until I took my last breath. I had a feeling that she felt the same way, with those intense looks like I was some miracle, a flower blooming in a dry desert. She was willing to fight for me, whatever it took. I would do the same for her with everything I had. Maybe we were two sunrises colliding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always love comments so don't be afraid to leave some! thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoy!

Every bone in my body told me I didn’t belong in a battle. There was utter chaos, just like Haven. Fire and explosions filling the air with thick smoke. Rubble being sprayed over us with the sounds of metal against metal ringing in every direction. War cries mixed with screams of agony as some poor soldiers were dealt killing blows. The biggest difference from Haven was this was a planned battle, there weren’t any untrained refugees and we weren’t taken by surprise and cornered. Everyone here was here to fight. As was I, but I didn’t belong here.

 

The Wardens weren’t easy enemies especially with their demon companions. It took a lot to keep pushing through. Every direction I was surrounded, as soon as I felled a demon, a warrior would take it’s place, slashing at me with all his or her might. I couldn’t block every blow thrown at me, in no time sweat was dripping down my soot covered face and I tasted my own blood in my mouth. Ignoring the pain, I pushed on, my companions and I carving our way through this mess. Jayde reluctantly left my side early on to assist the soldiers on the battlements so that’s where we were headed now. I knew she would be dealing with a lot just like us, but I also had faith in her.

 

My boots pounded up the stone stairs as I ran ahead, and I only barely had enough time to block the shield that was being brought down on my head. The iron of the shield clanged against the wood of my staff, I pushed back trying to regain some balance, but my foe was strong. He barely budged an inch before bringing back his shield. He was weaponless, but his gauntlet was balled in a fist and he swung it faster than I anticipated. The blow to my right temple rocked me off my feet and I went tumbling back down the stairs. Someone caught me and blinking through the stars in my eyes I saw Dorian looking down at me in surprise as Blackwall ran passed us to face my attacker. I heard Blackwall roar and his sword connected with the Warden’s shield again and again.

 

Dorian helped me sit up on the stairs. I brought my hand up when I felt blood drip down the side of my face. When my fingers were answered with a sharp sting I knew there was a decent cut above my eyebrow from the gauntlet.

 

“Can you stand?” Dorian asked. The sounds of Blackwall’s scuffle stopped and he returned to our side. Cole watched on silently, concern on his face.

 

I nodded, but that sent pain spiking through my head. “Yeah… yes.”

 

“Maybe you should catch your breath.” Blackwall suggested.

 

“I’m okay, we’re almost there.” I replied, wiping the blood off my face and pushing myself up. We can’t afford to take breaks right now.

 

It felt like we were fighting for hours, maybe we were. I cut down more people than I ever wanted to. Some might be proud, but I could never be proud of something like this. Most weren’t showing any signs of yielding, their eyes burning with fury and fire almost as hot as the real flames that were burning my lungs. We came across a group fighting amongst themselves. One man was pleading with his former comrades to cease this madness with the demons, but they wouldn’t listen.

 

I sent and arc of lighting from my staff and into the fanatics in an attempt to assist the Wardens that were questioning their brothers. My companions joined the fray and together we made quick work of it. I told the remaining Wardens to fall back and to my surprise they listened, wanting no part in this craziness any longer.

 

Exhaustion tempted me to slow down, to rest, but I had to push forward. The sky seemed to rain fire with each launch from the trebuchets, the roaring of war making it hard to hear my friends when we called out to each other. The fortress was a damn maze and a wrong turn could prove a deadly waste of time. Dorian, Cole, and Blackwall were starting to look as battered as I was, but we still had a lot left in us. We reached the battlements and I searched for Jayde.

 

"Jay!" I called out.

 

Jayde appeared from around the corner and made a beeline for me. I met her halfway, relieved to see her. She seemed okay, scraped up and bruised a little with blood splattered on her face, but it was safe to assume it wasn’t all her blood. When she got up to me she looked me up and down, taking note of any injuries I received. Her hands went to my face and she gently turned my head to look at the gash that was seeping blood.

 

“Are you okay?” She asked, her blue eyes burning like she couldn’t decide whether to storm off and decapitate whoever was responsible for my wounds or stay and fuss over me.

 

“I’m fine, its nothing.” I reassured her, though my head had started a steady and painful pounding rhythm in tune with my heartbeat. “Well, nothing I can’t handle. How about you?”

 

Jayde smiled a little, “Nothing I can’t handle.”

 

“How’s it looking here?” Blackwall chimed in.

 

“We have control of the battlements,” Jayde reported, motioning to the area around us. “Inquisition soldiers are free to come up the ladders with little to no resistance. I think they’ll be okay if I continue on with you.”

 

“We can hold our position here, Inquisitor.” A soldier agreed, her arm was bandaged, and it looked like her nose might be broken, but the warrior stood tall. “Hawke saved many lives, your worship. We were very grateful to have her assistance.”

 

I glanced over proudly at Jayde and she looked surprised by the praise she was receiving, unsure at first how to respond. Jayde recovered from her brief awkwardness and gave the soldier a respectful nod.

 

“Inquisitor!” Stroud called, jogging up to our group, “We should head to the main courtyard immediately. They are performing the ritual.” He said with haste.

 

“Right, demon army.” I mumbled half to myself.

 

“I do love crashing a party.” Dorian added.

 

The way to the main courtyard wasn’t as hard fought as our journey to the battlements, but again I was struck with the certainty that I didn’t belong here. Having Jayde by my side made me feel better about all of this, though. It wasn’t because she was a force of nature in battle, tearing through enemies with frightening speed and ferocity wielding her twin axes. It was because she made me feel stronger, more sure of myself. We fell in sync with each other, wordlessly understanding what the other needed. Together we fought and protected each other, we urged each other onward, we gave each other renewed vigor and we were unstoppable. I may not belong in a battle, but I belonged with her.

 

Reaching the courtyard, I took in the scene before me. Warden mages were focusing on a glowing green energy at the center of the courtyard, calling on a fade rift. No doubt this was how they were going to summon their demon army. Erimond stood before them, watching on with sick glee alongside Clarel. Her knife was bloody, and a body lay at her feet. The sacrifice was complete, but thankfully the ritual was not. As soon as Erimond caught sight of us his face contorted in anger and panic. He called for our blood, desperate to finish the ritual. I held my hands up, hoping to placate the Wardens for a moment. Maybe I could reach them.

 

“Stop this!” I shouted, “I know you think you are doing the right thing, but you have been deceived!”

 

“Nonsense!” Erimond tried cutting me off.

 

“This isn’t going to go the way you think, Clarel.” I continued, “If you complete this ritual, the mages will be bound to Corypheus.”

 

Clarel froze at my claim, “Corypheus? But he’s dead.” She stammered.

 

“Tell me about it.” Jayde mumbled.

 

“These are lies!” Erimond yelled, “This is the only way we can save this world, and you know it.”

 

The Warden went quiet, at war with herself as the distant sounds of battle echoed throughout the fortress. The entire courtyard went still as Clarel weighed her options and we eagerly waited. Finally, her expression became resigned.

 

“Bring it through.” Clarel commanded. The mages began their work on the fade rift, the green energy flickering as it was being opened and I felt my mark begin to react to it. The Wardens not focused on the rift moved to advance on us, their weapons readying.

 

“Fools, all of you.” Jayde growled raising her axes and turning to me, “Are we done here?” 

 

One more shot, “Blackwall?” looking to him desperately.

 

Immediately Blackwall seized his chance, “You don’t know me, but you may have heard my name. Like you, I’ve given my life to the Grey Wardens. The first time I put on this armor, I felt like I belonged, like I was part of something honorable, something with a purpose.” The Wardens surrounding us listened intently, this was our last chance to sway them. “I know how good it feels. How safe. But fighting and dying here today won’t stop the Blight. If you want to stop the Blight, kill that bastard up there. His master is the living embodiment of its corruption!”

 

The warriors looked up at Erimond, then to Clarel. She hesitated again, looking at Erimond with more doubt. They had a quiet and rushed discussion, and I couldn’t hear the words from this distance. Erimond became furious, “Perhaps I should have found a more reliable ally!”

 

Turning to me, Erimond was almost quivering with rage, but he smiled anyway. “My master thought you might come, Inquisitor. We have something special to welcome you.” He tapped the butt of his staff against the stone floor and a thunderous roar shook the entire fortress.

 

I had heard this noise before, back at Haven. It still sent ice through my bones. Out of the smoky flame-licked sky a massive creature with black leathery wings circled the warzone, its flapping wings mimicking thunderclaps. Even from so high up I knew its devilish eyes were trained right on me with horrible hatred. The dragon folded its wings and dove down at us with the speed of a lightning bolt. I couldn’t do anything but look up at it in horror.

 

“Nadya!” Jayde shouted, yanking me into cover as the creature made a low pass and destroying everything in its path with breath of terrible red crackling magic. Thankfully the rest of our companions got out of the way in time. Seeing that thing again made me freeze. I could've gotten my friends hurt, I could've gotten Jayde hurt.

 

“I’m sorry, I- “ Words failed as I tried to stutter out an apology.

 

“Don’t be. Just focus on staying alive, okay? Promise me.” Jayde said. I might've managed a nod, it was hard to tell as I struggled to focus my mind. The dragon circled again, then landed on a tower overlooking us. Its shriek was so loud we had to cover our ears. It glare was still focused on me, threatening to freeze me again. Why did it have to be the damn dragon?

 

As the dragon prepared to attack again, a shout came from the area where Erimond and Clarel were. We couldn't see what was happening from behind our cover, but whatever it was it drew the dragon’s attention.

 

“Help the Inquisitor!” Clarel shouted, firing a bolt of magic at the dragon. The creature only seemed irritated by the hit, taking to the sky once more.

 

With the threat of the dragon not staring us directly in the face I stood up. Clarel was sprinting away and Erimond wasn’t in sight, she must be going after him.

 

“Come on!” I yelled, running in their direction.

 

“Nadya!” Jayde try to stop me, but I pulled her with me.

 

“We have to get to them!” I told her. A couple more seconds of resistance and she followed suit.

 

I tracked Clarel through halls and battlements, shouting at her to stop, but she didn’t so much as even slow her pace. I couldn’t catch up to her, only catching a glimpse of her heels as she rounded a corner and I was fearful of losing them in this maze of a fortress. With a heavy impact the dragon clung to the side of the building, blasting its deadly magical breath at us. We took cover until the heat stopped and moved to hurry ahead. The beast stuck a clawed hand at us and clipped Jayde on her side. She yelped in pain, stumbling into me and I pushed her behind me, slamming my staff down and sending the strongest bolt of lightning I could summon at the creature with a furious war cry. The fortress trembled, and the dragon shrieked, pushing itself off the building with its powerful wings in a temporary retreat.

 

“Jay?” I asked while I turned back to her, my heart pounding in my ears, my head throbbing.

 

“It’s not deep. I’m fine.” Jayde replied quickly, a hand coming away bloody from her left side. The dagger-like claw had ripped through her leather armor easily. I knew she could take a lot, and that we didn’t have much time, but I moved to examine the wound.

 

Jayde stopped me with a hand on my shoulder, “We have to keep moving, like you said.” She grabbed my hand and led me on, not allowing me to argue.

 

The only thing that seemed to slow Clarel down a bit were the demons in her way, but she finished them off quickly, leaving behind piles of ash and rags for us. We went up and up until we reached a half-broken walkway at highest point in the fortress, all of us breathing heavily with exhaustion. With nowhere else to go, Erimond faced off with Clarel. Fear was etched into his face as he backed up, and in a rage-filled flurry Clarel knocked Erimond off his feet. My team advanced slowly, closing any gaps to block Erimond's escape.

 

Clarel couldn’t deal a death blow, unfortunately, as the dragon swooped down and snagged her in its jaws. The beast shook its head and tossed Clarel’s crumpled body aside. I thought, surely, she must be dead, but there was still life in her as she writhed in agony on the ground. The dragon seemed finished with her and slowly stalked towards us, its head low and anticipating its next strike. The thing blocked our exit, and there wasn’t any cover we could get to in time, so I readied my staff.

 

The monster went to strike and with a last-ditch effort, Clarel released a powerful wave of magic at the beast, throwing us off our feet. My head wasn’t grateful for the shock, leaving me disoriented and on my back. The blast was so powerful that the walkway began to crumble beneath us. My stomach flipped as I realized we were all going to fall. I hastily attempted to pick myself up, but my vision blurred at the visceral action.

 

“We need to move!” Blackwall’s voice boomed next to me, grabbing a fistful of my coat and starting to drag me off the collapsing walkway. Dorian’s hand went to my back, helping Blackwall steer me to safety.

 

Jayde had been knocked away from me in the explosion, “Jayde!” I screamed, frantically searching for her as huge chunks of stone were breaking away and falling impossibly far down. Jayde was a few yards away from me, so I desperately reached for her, pulling against Blackwall’s vice grip. She looked dazed as she scrambled trying to get to me. Cole and Stroud went to help her, but it didn’t matter because in the next moment the rest of the walkway fell and we all plummeted into an abyss. Thinking that nothing else would save us I used the mark without having time to think and in a bright flash of green the world went dark.

 

When I opened my eyes, I saw Jayde looking down at me, anxiety written all over her face. She looked like hell; bloody, bruised, exhausted. I can’t imagine I looked any better, I certainly felt like she looked. My head was in her lap and she was gently caressing my cheek, the familiar touch calming my disoriented senses.

 

Seeing me wake Jayde let out a deep sigh and looked up at the sky for a moment, “Thank you.” She whispered, then turned her head. “She’s awake.” Jayde called.

 

I then remembered what happened and with a jolt I sat up. The sudden movement made Jayde jump slightly and she held on to me in an attempt to keep me still.

 

“Easy, easy.” She said like she was trying to pacify a wounded animal. Sitting up that quickly was a mistake. It made my brain spike with pain and I groaned, holding my head in my hands. “Take it easy, my love. We’re alive.” Jayde continued in a soothing voice, rubbing my back.

 

My ears picked up frantic gibbering of to my left and I looked up to see Cole having some sort of panic attack while Dorian tried to calm him down. Blackwall broke off a conversation with Stroud and came over to check up on me and that’s when I took in my surroundings. The sky was a sickly yellow green, giant boulders and broken bits of stone structures were floating in the air and we were surrounded by very old ruins of some kind. There was something both off and slightly familiar about this place, I felt it when I first opened my eyes. I knew we weren’t anywhere in Thedas.

 

“How are you feeling?” Blackwall asked, kneeling beside me.

 

Ignoring his question I asked, “Where are we…?”

 

“We’re in the Fade.” Jayde answered.

 

Maybe that was why it felt familiar, but it still didn’t make sense, “This isn’t like it was at my harrowing…”

 

Jayde nodded, “It’s different from when I was in it too.” She paused for a moment, watching me carefully. “I think it’s because we’re physically here.”

 

Stunned, I glanced from her to Blackwall, both of them looked very serious. “How is that possible?”

 

“Your mark…” Jayde nodded at my hand, “I think you opened a rift when we fell.” Is that what happened? I looked at my hand like there would be something different, but the mark looked the same as always. Did I really do that?

 

“You saved us all.” Blackwall said, placing a hand on my shoulder. Did I save us all? Or did I just doom us?

 

“How do we get back?” If there wasn’t a way out of here, then I really did doom us.

 

“The rift Erimond was using in the main courtyard,” Stroud began, “Perhaps if we find where it is here, we can use it to get back.”

 

“Did you forget the massive demon we saw on the other side of it?” Jayde sounded vexed.

 

“Do you have a better plan?” Stroud replied.

 

Dorian came over to us looking anxious, “Cole is having a bit of a rough time here, might I suggest we take any route that will get us back?”

 

I looked over at Cole, who was still muttering to himself and pacing back and forth. Slowly, I dragged myself to my feet with Jayde’s assistance. I was still a little wobbly, and my body hurt, but we weren’t done yet.

 

I made my way over to Cole and I could hear his muttering now. “Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wringing me out. Wrought right and rigid. Can’t relax. Can’t release…”

 

“Cole…?” He looked up at me with wild, frightened eyes. “Cole its going to be okay, we’re going to get you out of here.”

 

Cole nodded, “Thank you.” He calmed down a bit at my promise, and I intended to keep it.

 

I turned to the rest of the group. They all looked ready to sleep for days, but straightened up when my eyes met theirs, preparing for what’s next. “Let’s go find that rift.”

 

The Fade seemed to stretch on forever, massive rolling storm clouds loomed overhead, the air was thick, and green mist drifted over black puddles. Littering the ground were bones belonging to all kinds of creatures and people, all long dead. Off in the distance spirits lurked, their specter forms floating over the damp ground, paying us little attention. Random stone statues of various beings stood watch over us, odd looking plant life growing out of the ground at their feet. There were patches of red lyrium here and there, which did little to comfort me.

 

We ascended a long flight of stairs and when we reached the top, a figure stood waiting. It was an older woman in ornate Chantry robes, and the sight of her stopped some of my companions in their tracks.

 

“By the Maker…” Stroud marveled in awe. “Divine Justinia?”

 

Jayde tensed, looking skeptical, “Could be a demon. The Divine is dead, isn’t she?”

 

“The Fade does seem like the kind of place to keep you on your toes.” Dorian warned.

 

Then the figure spoke, “You think my survival impossible, yet here you stand alive in the fade yourselves. In truth proving my existence would require time we do not have.”

 

“So, we just take your word for it?” Jayde raised here eyebrows, “ _Here_? Are you joking?”

 

The Divine regarded her, “I am here to help you.”

 

Jayde scoffed, “Forgive me if I have trouble believing that.”

 

I held up a hand to Jayde, hoping that she would hold back for just a little bit longer, “How are you going to help us?”

 

“You do not remember what happened at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, Inquisitor.” I was both surprised that she knew that and that she knew who I was.

 

“Was that because of you?” I prodded.

 

“Your memories were stolen from you by the demon that serves Corypheus.” Divine Justinia said.

 

“The one we saw through the rift?” Jayde guessed.

 

The Divine nodded, “It is the Nightmare you forget upon waking. It feeds off of memories of fear and darkness, growing fat upon the terror. The false calling that terrified the Wardens into making such grave mistakes? Its work.”

 

Blackwall growled next to me, and Stroud made a pledged to cut this demon down himself. Justinia promised him he would have his chance, informing us that the creature resided here.

 

“Wait... So, the big demon Erimond was trying to bring through?” I asked

 

“Yes.”

 

“Its nearby.” I already knew the answer, but I foolishly hoped that it wasn't.

 

“Yes.” The Divine answered patiently like this wasn’t some of the worst news we could receive.

 

I said, “Well, shit.” At the exact time Jayde said, “Fuck me.” And behind us Dorian groaned.

 

Divine Justinia ignored our profanity and continued, “When you entered the fade at Haven, the demon took a part of you. Before you do anything else, you must recover it.” Between the Divine and me a column of green flame sprouted from cracks in the stone floor and formed into a glowing green ball of energy, sparking like electricity. “These are your memories.” Justinia announced, motioning to the orb.

 

I reached out to touch it with my marked hand, but Jayde grabbed my wrist and stopped me, “Nadya, I don’t trust this.”

 

“I have to try, Jay. I need to know.” Her dark eyes searched mine for any sign of backing down, but I wouldn’t, and she knew that. With a warning glare thrown the Divine’s way she released me, and I plunged my hand into the glowing energy.

 

It felt like someone unlocked a door in my mind. Clarity finally rewarded after all this time raking my brain for the missing pieces. I remembered walking through the halls of the temple during the Conclave, hearing someone call out for help. I almost ran in the other direction to get a superior, even started to, but stopped when I heard another cry. I knew whoever was in danger couldn’t hold out long enough for me to get help, so I hurried down the hall towards the doors where I heard the yelling come from. When I burst in Corypheus was there, holding up an orb of some kind. A group of Grey Warden mages stood around Divine Justinia suspending her in the air. This looked like a sacrifice.

 

At the sound of my entrance Corypheus’s attention turned to me and he ordered his minions to strike me down. Justinia frantically shouted at me to run and warn the others. Before anyone could react Divine Justinia knocked the orb out of Corypheus’s hand while he was distracted by me. The thing clanged against the floor and rolled in my direction. Without thinking I rushed toward it, grasping it in my left hand and when I did a terrible pain shocked its way up my arm and throughout my entire body, forcing me to my knees. The ball began to glow green so bright that it blinded me, and the pain became so intense all I could do was scream. Then the explosion happened.

 

The scene changed and me and the Divine were running away from demons in the fade, towards the rift I came out of in Haven. They were right on our heels. I was beginning to think we weren’t going to make it. Then the Divine pushed me forward, telling me to go, giving me the chance I needed to escape through the rift. I didn’t want to leave her behind, but the decision was made for me when the demons descended on her. I had no choice but to jump through or die with her.

 

The memories ended, and when I came back to reality I looked at my friends. From the looks on their faces I could tell they somehow saw what I did. I looked at the mark, finally understanding how I got it, but not getting what the orb was.

 

“So, your mark didn’t come from Andraste.” Stroud observed. I’m not sure I ever believed that theory. Even with all the madness that happened, that seemed like a reach to me. Now that it was confirmed not to be the case, I was actually relieved I wasn’t chosen by some god.

 

“The Divine… She died.” I said, looking at the figure in front of me with new understanding.

 

“You’re a spirit?” Dorian asked, “Or are you actually the Divine?”

 

“I am whatever you choose to see me as.” She replied.

 

“Oh, that’s helpful…” Dorian mumbled.

 

“She is helping us.” Cole pointed out.

 

“What was with the ball?” Jayde asked, referring to the glowing orb.

 

“Corypheus intended to rip open the veil, use the Anchor to enter the fade, and throw open the doors of the Black City.” Justinia answered, “When you disrupted his plan, the orb bestowed the Anchor upon you instead.” I nodded quietly, letting all of this sink in with the weight of the reality I now remembered.

 

Jayde came up beside me. “Are you alright?”

 

I was quiet for a moment before responding, “The only reason I survived that day was by chance. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and I grabbed something without thinking.” If I had went for help would someone better than me be here now? Someone who actually knows how to handle this? It didn’t seem fair that all those people died, and I was the only one that lived. “I’m not meant for this, I’m just… me.”

 

Jayde looked me directly in the eyes, cupping my face so I couldn’t turn away. “Yes, you are just you. You’re the person who saved all those people at Haven. The person who helps anyone that needs it. The person who believes in people even when they don’t deserve it. That’s you. You are meant for this. And you can do this. There is no one else in the world I believe in more than you, and I’m not the only one who does.”

 

I stared at Jayde, absolutely dumbfounded, momentarily forgetting about where we were and what we were about to face. Her words came out so easily and she didn’t falter once. Her eyes were bright and intense, like the sunrise inside me, making my heart full. If Jayde believed in me, then surely I could too. And for the first time I really and truly felt like I could do this.

 

“Now you must make haste,” Divine Justinia said, “Nightmare must be aware of your presence by now. Make your way to the rift. I will do my best do guide you but prepare to fight harder than you ever have.”

 

Together we hurried toward the rift. Jayde on high alert, staying close to me. Stroud covering the rear of the pack. Cole seemed better now, still eager to leave like all of us, but not panicky like before. If Dorian was nervous, he didn’t show it; he kept a close eye on Cole. Blackwall was focused, marching with his blade drawn, ready for anything.

 

Following a path to the rift, going deeper into the lair of the Nightmare, I was starting to get nervous by how quiet everything was. No demons lurked about, not even any spirits. If we were getting closer to where the creature was waiting for us, and it knew we were here, then what was it waiting for?

 

“I don’t like this.” Jayde said, looking around as if trying to find the demon hiding in a corner.

 

“Neither do I.” Blackwall agreed, “Where is the blasted thing?”

 

“I would say let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth,” Dorian started, “But I’m fairly certain this is somehow a trap.”

 

“Just keep your eyes peeled.” Stroud told us.

 

“And stay focused.” I added, “Most important thing is getting out of here. Once we’re back in Adamant, I can close the rif-“ When I turned to address them, my words were cut off mid-sentence. My friends were no longer there; Jayde was no longer there.

 

“Jayde?” I called. When I turned once more, suddenly I wasn’t in the Fade anymore.

 

I was in an old ruined dungeon, water flooded the floors, coming up to my ankles and soaking my boots. When I saw red lyrium growing out of the walls, my heart stopped cold. I knew exactly where I was. I was back in Redcliffe. Had the nightmare demon sent me to the future again or was it something else? I touched the walls, kicked at the water. Everything felt real. I was thrown into the future again, and by the looks of it, it was that same future I went through before. Only this time I was alone, and I was weaponless.

 

Okay. Think. I need to find the amulet Alexius used before, that might be the only thing that can get me back. The only lead I have is the throne room. That’s as good of a place as any to start. I rushed through the catacombs, trying to remember the route to the throne room, but this place was an even bigger maze that Adamant. Every turn I made, every stairway I climbed, every door I went through only made me feel more lost. It was like I wasn’t making any progress. Was I just going in circles? I started to panic. What if I couldn’t get out of here?

 

Finally, a new way presented itself and I walked forward with caution. About halfway through the hallway, I noticed the cells lining the walls. I told myself not to look in them, that I wouldn’t like what I see, but my morbid curiosity bested my common sense.

 

I should’ve listened to myself. In the first cell I saw Dorian, and at first I was relieved, thinking I could get him out and he could help me like before, but upon closer inspection I realized the terrible truth. He wasn’t moving, wasn’t breathing. I tried to open the cell door but it wouldn’t budge. I tried to summon any kind of spell that would break the lock, but my magic wouldn’t work. I started to breath heavy, fear taking hold, but no. I could still fix this. Just like before, I can go back and fix this. I just have to do it on my own this time. I can do this.

 

I forced myself to step away, to continue my journey to the throne room. When I turned around I noticed another cell, this one held Blackwall. He was almost in the same state as Dorian, dead on the ground, but this time red lyrium sprouted from his skin in patches, and his veins were red. I looked to the next cell, and there was Cole, slumped dead in the corner. Panic really began to set in along with a sickening feeling. Dread’s cold tendrils wrapping around my heart in an iron grip. The hallway was suddenly very long, each sell containing the corpse of someone I knew, someone I had failed along with the entire world. At Varric’s I began screaming in rage, kicking at the bars over and over again, but they wouldn’t give.

 

“Come on!” I yelled, tears streaming down my face, but still nothing. Eventually I gave up, leaving them behind. I can fix this. I can fix this.

 

I rounded a corner and saw a new stairway. I placed my boot on the first step, but something caught my peripheral vision. There was a doorway that was cracked open slightly, something about it called to me. Almost as if something was controlling me, I abandoned the stairs.

 

Opening the door, I saw an old worn-out torture chamber. The room was empty apart from unclean tools and morbid racks. Moving to the center I noticed the dried blood and filth on the floor. I couldn’t figure out why I was drawn here, and when I went to leave I saw her.

 

Jayde wasn’t in a cell, or even shackled, she was just curled up in the corner. I rushed to her, “Jayde!” I let out her name in a sob. My heart had started to pound so hard I was afraid it would burst out of my chest, its pace quickening faster than it ever had before, making my limbs tingle. I kneeled before her, her head was leaning against the wall and her face was caked in dirt and blood, her hair tangled and matted. She didn’t respond to me.

 

“Jayde, please…” I touched her face and her skin was cold. I shot my hand back at the sensation like it burned me, but I pushed through and reached out to her again. I turned her head to me and saw her eyes were half open, but unseeing. “Jay...” Air just seemed like too much for my lungs to bear. With trembling limbs, I pulled her limp body into my grasp as my brain worked it out. She was gone.

 

I felt something so sickening and so painful that calling it grief just didn’t seem like enough. My body didn’t even have the will to sob. I just stared down at her in my arms. Tears still fell but I couldn’t feel them. Every shaky breath felt excruciating.

 

“She lasted the longest.” A voice said behind me. “I can see why you loved her.”

 

I froze. I knew that voice, but I hadn’t heard it in a long time. I stared at the wall, not wanting to look at Jayde, and not wanting to face him. I could feel his presence behind me, watching me. Waiting patiently for me to turn around. I stayed still for what felt like forever, telling myself I had no choice. I had to get out of here. I had to deal with him to get to the amulet and fix this.

 

Very carefully I lay Jayde’s body down, resting my forehead on hers and whispering, “I will bring you back.” Wiping the tears off my face I stood, looking at her one last time. Maybe I would die beside her. Maybe this was it.

 

Slowly, I turned to face him. He looked surprisingly similar to the last time I saw him apart from being older. He stood about half a foot taller than me, I guess I had grown some since I last saw him. He wore a cruel smile like always. Chestnut hair a bit darker than mine brushed back to keep his blue eyes clear. They weren't dark blue like Jayde's. They were blue like our father's, though our father's eyes were calm and quiet, his were cold and menacing. I could barely move looking at him.

 

“How are you here?” I asked in a low tone, balling my fists trying to hide how much my hands were shaking.

 

He pouted, “What, you don’t pray for my safety every night?” He started to move closer to me and I instinctively backed up until I hit the wall behind me. “You don’t think of me often? You don’t keep me in your heart alongside mother and father?” I knew he was toying with me. How long has he been waiting to do this again?

 

“I tried very hard to forget you exist, Ruben.” I made a promise to myself now that I wouldn’t give him any satisfaction. I’m very different from when we were kids.

 

Ruben scoffed. He was close to me now, I felt like suffocating, “See that’s your problem, dear sister.” He snatched my wrist and gripped it hard enough that I’m certain it will bruise, lifting my hand up to show me the mark. The action sent a jolt of terror through my body, and then I was a child again. All the training I had received to defend myself vanished like a puff of smoke, leaving me utterly powerless.

 

“You push all of your worries aside and focus on an unachievable task in hopes that it will occupy you for long enough to forget your fears, but,” Ruben leaned in to whisper in my ear, sending a shiver up my spine that turns to bile in my throat. “That’s not how nightmares work. You shove me away in a dark corner, but that’s where I thrive. That’s where I grow and fester until eventually… you belong to me.”

 

With that he swiftly brings his hands up to wrap around my throat. I claw at his forearms, but it only seems to egg him on, gripping neck tighter and using the wall as leverage.

 

“Did you really think you could save them all?” Ruben began to laugh, “You were meant to save the world? _You_ _?_ ”

 

I can feel his nails digging into my flesh and blood drips down my collar. I can’t get the air I need, and I can feel myself start to go. In one last effort to survive I try to summon any magic I can from the mark. With a spark of green, Ruben blinks in surprise and his grip loosens enough for me to get a couple desperate gulps of air. His skin flickers to something not quite human looking, and then I understand.

 

I manage to choke out a few words, “You’re not in the dark anymore.” And I call upon the mark’s power again.

 

This time there’s a more powerful blast, strong enough to shatter the illusion. The torture chamber and the dungeon melt away and I’m back in the fade. My brother is replaced by a nightmarish demon, towering three feet above me with its clawed hands still strangling me. It looks like a cross between an undead and a spider. Instead of hair, tentacle-like appendages fall off its scalp, spider legs sprout from its back, and eight beady eyes stare down at me in hatred. The thing lets out an infuriated shriek and continues to try and snuff me out. As I start to black out I hear a ferocious scream and an axe buries into the creature’s chest with enough force to knock it away from me.

 

I slip down the side of the stone wall I was being pushed against, coughing violently and gasping for breath. All the strength in my body seems to go and I just flop over on my side, waiting for my lungs to get enough air. Through my blurred vision I see my friends start battling the Nightmare, leading it away from me and I am filled with such a euphoric relief that if I wasn't nearly vomiting I would start sobbing again. Then I see the most beautiful sight I have ever seen.

 

A still very much alive Jayde as her hands rest on both sides of my face, frantically telling me something that’s hard to hear at first with my ears ringing. Then I can make it out, “Nadya, look at me! Just look at me and breathe!” She says.

 

I can’t hold it back, so I start crying at the sound of her voice. She looks behind her, the rest of our companions are continuing to keep the demon busy, but who knows for how long. I start regaining my senses, my breathing steadying.

 

“Can you stand?” Jayde asked me, her expression looked like the mess of emotions swirling around in my mind.

 

“I think so.” My voice sounded scratchy.

 

When Jayde helps me to my feet, I throw my arms around her. I know there isn't really time for it, but I had to. Going from seeing her dead to seeing her alive right in front of me was a bigger shock to my system than being strangled. I held on to her tightly and she must have sensed that I needed it because she held onto me too. Our peace was short lived, though as sounds of battle drew our attention. The rift was in sight now, close enough that we could make a run for it, but we couldn’t while the demon was still at our throats.

 

That’s when I saw the actual demon. The one that was taking the form of my brother must have just been a manifestation of the Nightmare, because hovering above the rift, our way out, was a gargantuan spider. The spirit of the Divine was glowing, floating in front of the massive demon and holding her hands up, creating a forcefield of some kind. I realized that the creature was forced to manifest itself into a lesser form, being blocked by the Divine, but our exit was still obstructed.

 

The Divine called out to me, “I can give you a chance, but it will only be a few moments. Go!” Justinia glowed brighter than a sun, blinding me and Jayde, no doubt the monster as well. Her energy absorbing into the demon, rendering it totally immobile.

 

“Let’s go!” I called to my friends in a raspy voice, it hurt to yell.

 

The lesser Nightmare was effected by the Divine’s attack, but it still lashed out at my companions. Jayde grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the rift, “Leave it! Run!” She commanded.

 

Heeding Jayde’s call, they abandoned the fight, scrambling towards the rift. I looked back to make sure they were all coming. Cole and Dorian were the first bolt in our direction, Stroud following suit, and Blackwall the last one to withdraw. The lesser Nightmare wasn’t very deterred by their retreat, and attempted after them, but it couldn’t keep up. I picked up my pace, knowing our time was very limited, Jayde helping me along.

 

We almost made it too. As whatever Divine Justinia did the hold back the Nightmare wore off, we were stopped mere yards away from our salvation. The massive monster wasn’t directly in our path, but there was no way we could make it through the rift before it got us. It knew this too, rearing up and daring us to take a step forward. I was at a loss, not knowing what to do.

 

Beside me, Jayde was breathing hard, staring the monster down with her own terrifying glare. Then she turned to me, her eyes glassy, and she pulled me in for a quick and desperate kiss. “Go." She commanded when we broke apart. "I’ll hold it off long enough for all of you to get through.”

 

Without another word or even a glance, Jayde went to move, attempting to take away any choice I could have in this, but I quickly reached out and grabbed her arm. My limbs began to tremble again, my heart hammering painfully in my chest, my head throbbing, my body ready to collapse. When her eyes met mine again I could see just how scared she was, my own fear reflected in her deep-sea eyes.

 

“Please,” I begged in a hoarse whisper. She shook her head at me, tears falling freely, silently pleading with me to let her go. I couldn’t let her go. I just couldn’t. I could see in her gaze that she felt like she had to do this, but she didn’t. There’s no way I was letting her. There had to be another way. 

 

“Both of you go. All of you.” Stroud spoke up.

 

Jayde looked at him, “Stroud,” She started, but he cut her off.

 

“It’s okay. Go. There isn’t time to argue.” Stroud urged us.

 

Stroud and Jayde had a silent conversation, slowly coming to an understanding. Jayde gripped my wrist, pulling me forward. I resisted her for a moment, regretfully glancing at Stroud. He gave me a nod and charged at the Nightmare. His sword was held high, but before I could see it connect with any of the demon’s sickly flesh, Jayde dragged me forward harder and I no longer fought her. Dorian, Cole, and Blackwall were keeping up with us, their expressions ashen. We jumped through the rift, and in a shimmer of green we were back at Adamant Fortress again. With Stroud left behind with that monster, I raised my hand and sealed the rift with the last bit of energy I had, my heart heavy. The rest of the demons in the courtyard vanishing with the rift, along with the possibility of a demon army. The Inquisition forces cheered, but I fell to my knees, not really feeling the victory. I couldn’t really feel much of anything apart from my aching body.  

 

The rest of the day, and the rest of the journey home happened in a blur. I was informed that the dragon flew away when I closed the rift, which only gave me little comfort. I knew I would see that beast again. The Grey Wardens that helped us fight surrendered to the Inquisition and I gave them one more chance, allowing them to make up for their mistakes. We could use their help if they proved themselves.

 

I spent most of the trip recovering, regaining my strength both mentally and physically. Now that the excitement from the battle was over, the events of what happened and what I saw sank in. Even in my exhaustion I still struggled to sleep, and when I did manage it I had awful dreams of what I experienced and of my brother. Jayde became distant. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened, but even if I could go back I wouldn’t change what I did. She could pull away if she needed, could even hate me for not letting her sacrifice herself. As long as her heart was still beating I was okay with it.

 

Not long after the battle I overheard Varric arguing with her.

 

“After everything, you were just going to kill yourself?!” He shouted, “Really, Hawke? Do you miss your family that badly?” He sounded furious, but he was only angry because he loved her. Jayde said little, just took everything he had to throw at her. I thought about doing the same as Varric. I went through all kinds of emotions when I pondered what she tried to do. I couldn’t yell at her, though. Not for that. I felt guilty about eavesdropping and went about my business. 

 

Back at Skyhold I spent days dealing with the fallout of the battle. I talked with my advisors and met with new agents. I had a discussion with some Wardens about the treaties they had with certain nations. I was still healing, but I had somewhat fallen back into being the Inquisitor. Jayde was still scarce, not even staying in my quarters anymore. I let her be, allowing some time for myself as well, but it was getting harder to be away from her every moment. I didn't feel like talking to Blackwall or even Dorian either. Jayde was alive, but I still failed Stroud and maybe she blamed me for that. 

 

I stood on my balcony, overlooking the valley that the castle rested in. The sun had begun to set, the comforting light resting warm upon my skin. I heard someone behind me and nearly jumped, but when I realized it was Jayde my heart settled ever so slightly. She just watched me, saying nothing, but her brows were furrowed a bit.

 

“Are you going to leave?” I asked. I had begun to suspect that’s what she was planning, easing away from me these past couple weeks. It hurt more than I thought possible.

 

Jayde’s body stiffened, and she looked confused, “Do you want me to?” She asked cautiously. I caught the note of pain in her voice.

 

I shook my head. “No, not at all.” I replied, “Not ever… It’s just…”

 

“I know.” Jayde hesitantly moved towards me, the glimmer of the setting sun making her blonde hair nearly glow. “I haven’t been dealing with this well. And you deserve better. I know you’ve been hurting.” She still gave me space, not touching me.

 

“You’ve been hurting too.” I learned not long after Adamant that Dorian, Blackwall, and Cole experienced visions of their worst fears like I had. Jayde must have seen something awful too. That coupled with losing another friend must have really thrown Jayde into a bad place. “You needed space. In a way I did too. We both deserve to heal properly.” I reached for her and her hand met mine halfway, the warmth of her palm keeping me calm. "I'm so sorry about what happened."

 

“No. No, it's not your fault." Jayde said sternly, and I felt a little bit of relief that she didn't blame me. "It’s just been so hard to face it. I don’t want to do it alone, but I had to face myself first.” Jayde took a very deep breath. “What I almost did… I didn’t want that. I realized if it wasn’t me it was going to be someone else and I couldn't lose anyone else. And I thought if I did that… I could make up for all the mistakes I made, all the people I disappointed.”

 

Jayde laughed a little, “Varric made some good points about that, though.”

 

I let out a half amused breath, “Yeah, at one point I wanted to yell at you too.”

 

“Why didn’t you?” She laced her fingers through mine, looking at me expectantly.

 

“Because ultimately I am just so… _relieved_ that you are alive.” Even through this tough time I felt that relief every time I had looked at her. Especially now that she was so close to me again and I could feel her.

 

Delicately, Jayde reached up to brush my hair aside, tucking it behind my ear, and her palm came to rest on my cheek. She studied me carefully, her eyes roaming over my features, taking in as much detail as she could. There was this look in her eyes, one that was both serene and intense, it filled my heart with such peace. She rested her forehead against mine and I closed my eyes, it felt like I was in the most beautiful dream. I couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“I love you.” It was surprisingly easy to say. I wasn’t afraid of feeling it, but I was nervous about speaking it out loud. Now that I had, there weren’t any nerves, just a warm contentment blanketing my heart.

 

Jayde pulled back and when I opened my eyes again, she was staring at me slack-jawed in absolute awe. In the next beat, her lips were on mine. The passion in this kiss left me giddy and breathless, she pulled me against her and I clung to her like she was an anchor keeping me from drifting away.

 

“I love you too.” She uttered against my mouth. I swallowed her words, kissing her harder and running my fingers through her hair. “I love you.” Jayde repeated softly like a prayer.

 

My heart was singing, and I was smiling uncontrollably into our kisses. I remembered how distant we had been these past couple weeks, how much I had missed our closeness, suddenly I couldn’t get close enough to her. I wanted her badly.

 

I turned us around and broke off the kiss, “Will you stay with me?” I asked, inviting her to follow me with a sweet smile as I walked backwards into my quarters.

 

Jayde looked blissed out when I pulled away from her but seeing my expression and hearing my words she became alert. “As long as you’ll have me…” She said and followed me inside. Her lips caught mine halfway to the bed, I couldn’t resist teasing her a bit as I pulled away again, biting my lip.

 

When the back of my legs bumped against the bed I sat down and gazed up at her. Her careless hair, that was the color of the brilliant sunrays that made the stained glass in my room glitter like water, fell in waves over her shoulders. Her midnight blue eyes were bright enough that I should’ve been able to see stars.  _Maker, she was made out of stars_ ; I thought. The look on her face made me certain.

 

Jayde’s fingertips lightly grazed the healing cut on my forehead and she bent down to place a kiss there. I closed my eyes, my hands going to her hips to both ground me and bring her closer. While my eyes still shut, her lips met mine again. Her taste, her scent, the way she moved, the sound of air escaping her lungs; I could find her blind.

 

My coat slid down my arms and Jayde tossed it aside. I slid my hands up her shirt, fingers gliding over the soft skin on her stomach, occasionally hitting the little bumps and valleys of scarred flesh. I moved my hands up and up she lifted her arms and let me pull the fabric over her head. I saw the freshest wound on her side given to her by that monstrous dragon. The sight of it sent a pang through my chest, thankfully it was mostly healed, but I knew it would mark her like all the rest. Jayde let out a breath as I rested my lips there for a moment before drifting over to the larger scar that nearly killed her, then to another. As I went on, Jayde ran a hand through my hair, giving it a gentle tug urging me to tilt my head up for another kiss.

 

In a subtle and swift move, Jayde lifted my shirt off, making me grin. Her fingers traced from my collarbone to my shoulder where she pushed me down, easing me onto my back. The soft furs felt good on my skin and I waited for her to move on top of me, but she didn’t yet. Instead Jayde pulled off my shoes and began undoing my pants, her hands at my waistline already made heat spread throughout my body in anticipation.

 

While not breaking eye contact with me, Jayde tugged at the belt loops, slipping them off me. The intensity in her fiery gaze making my heart skip more than a few beats. Jayde crawled on top of me, a hand trailing up my bare leg, venturing briefly over my inner thigh. Her lips were feather light on my neck where the fading bruises and sealed cuts were still visible from the demon’s assault. To my delight, I felt her body shiver as my fingertips glided up her back, pulling her down. The comfortable and familiar weight of her body settled on top of me, her pounding heart sending warmth through her veins and I was grateful for each beat.

 

Jayde’s mouth found mine as she did an experimental rock of her hips, her thigh applying just enough pressure to get a reaction out of me, causing me to gasp into our kiss. She repeated the action, this time a little harder and I couldn’t hold back the moan in my throat, wrapping my leg around her waist. Taking her bottom lip between my teeth I was rewarded with another thrust. The sensation of her grinding down on me was just on the edge of being fulfilling, but I needed more. I squirmed underneath her trying to get more friction, but she stilled when I did, much to my dismay.

 

“Patience, my love.” Jayde whispered, a sly grin on her face.

 

I chuckled a little, “If you make it worth my while.”

 

“Count on it.” She promised.

 

Jayde took her time, her hands roaming everywhere, touching the areas of my body that were still sore and bruised with care. The leisurely pace was a beautiful torture, I knew it would make my release all the more sweeter. But damn, if it wasn’t hard to beg, especially when Jayde’s mouth started to wander downward past my neck. Any remaining clothing we wore was discarded and I could tell Jayde was getting restless too. She was struggling to keep up this patience game even though it was apparent that she enjoyed teasing me. I decided to tease her back a bit, dragging my fingernails lightly over the sensitive spots on her body, trying to get her to crack.

 

“You’re playing a dangerous game, you know.” Jayde mumbled, fighting to keep her breathing steady.

 

“Well, you started it.” I told her, pulling her in for a kiss.

 

“Then, maybe I should finish it.” She said.

 

Jayde’s lips began retracing the journey her hands went on, placing wet hot kisses on my skin. As she went further down, goosebumps appeared with a delightful shiver that radiated through my body like a tremor through the world. Her mouth explored my inner thigh, and it felt like my heart wanted to fly out of my chest. When Jayde’s mouth finally hit home, I sucked in a sharp breath, my muscles reflexively contracting at the glorious sensation. It didn’t take long to build me up, especially with what Jayde was doing with her tongue, and her hand caressing up my torso. Soon I was sent tumbling over the edge. My whole body tensed, preparing itself just moments before my release and I gripped Jayde’s hair in one hand and a fistful of the blankets in the other. My chest heaved and with a half gasp half moan, waves of heat radiated through my limbs. Coming down off the high, my muscles twitched, and Jayde kissed her way back up.

 

“Did you like that?” She asked, though she must have known the answer.

 

“Are you kidding?” I nearly exclaimed, still catching my breath. “That was… Holy fuck.”

 

Her broad smile told me she was expecting something like that. As my heart slowed its pace more to a brisk jog than an outright sprint, I liked my lips. I really wanted to make her feel as good as she had made me feel. I flipped her over and she grinned even more. I wanted to make her smile like that every day.

 

“You’re so beautiful.” I told her, brushing her hair aside.

 

“And so are you.” Jayde whispered back through her gorgeous smile.

 

I asked her if I could try what she had done, and she eagerly agreed. I wanted to know every part of her body and felt so incredibly lucky that she let me. It wasn’t hard to please her, in fact it was incredibly easy. In no time Jayde was a writhing and panting mess beneath my touch. Tasting her like this was probably one of the most intimate experiences I could have, and I savored every moment, focusing on making her feel the euphoria I did. Causing Jayde’s body tremble with pleasure was the only religious experience I was keen on having, far more fulfilling than any humbling tale of Andraste.

 

Both of us spent, we found ourselves in a comfortable silence for a long time, shifting only to cover ourselves in the warm blankets to protect us from the chilly air. I knew I should probably light a fire soon, the sun completing its decent into the horizon, but for now I just wanted to lie here next to Jayde. While on my stomach with my arms tucked underneath my head I watched Jayde lean on her elbow and reach out, tracing mindless patterns on my bare back with her fingertips. I felt my eyes start to grow heavy, but I fought the drowsiness to keep looking at her. I could be entranced by her forever.

 

Jayde’s expression became slightly troubled. “What is it?” I asked her.

 

She hesitated a moment before answering, “I just keep remembering the look on your face after you broke Nightmare’s illusion… You saw something didn’t you? Like I did?”

 

I nodded slowly. Taking a deep breath to remind myself that it wasn’t real, that everyone was okay, that Jayde was alive right next to me, and my brother wasn't here. I grabbed her hand and held on tightly. “What did you see?” I asked her when she squeezed my hand back.

 

A heavy sigh escaped her lips, “Mostly things that already happened. Me just… Being too late or too fucking blind to see the warning signs, but this time I knew what was coming and I couldn’t stop it. I made the same mistakes all over again no matter how much I screamed in my own head. And you...” She brought my hand up to kiss my knuckles, and I prepared myself for the next part. “You begged me to kill you. I don’t know if it was the mark or something else, but something was changing you- corrupting you. You didn’t want to hurt anyone, and you begged and begged… When I couldn’t do it…” Jayde struggled to get out the last part. “They made you tranquil.”

 

I lay quietly for a while, contemplating what to say. I decided to start with the bigger issue she faced. “I know you’re tired of being told that you can’t change what happened. I won’t say that to you. But Jay…” She was avoiding my gaze, so I sat up, wrapping myself tighter in the blankets and brushing the back of my finger against her cheek to coax her gaze in my direction. “You have to forgive yourself. I know that’s probably the hardest thing for you to do, but you have to. You tried, Jay and you’re here now. That has to count for something.”

 

Jayde thought for a minute before saying, “I’ll try. For you.”

 

“If that helps you,” I said with a sigh, shrugging my shoulders. “But you should really do it for yourself. You deserve it.” A small smile flashed across her face.

 

I added, “And that business with me…” I shook my head, trying not to imagine that scenario or Jayde’s fear of it, “That’s not going to happen. I feel like I can say that with confidence.”

 

The smile returned, this time stronger. “I believe you.”

 

After a moment Jayde asked, “What about you? What did you see?”

 

“Oh, um… I was in Redcliffe again, like when Alexius sent me through time? Though, I couldn’t find my way back and everyone was dead in cells that I couldn’t open. You weren’t in a cell, you were in this torture room but…” I remembered the way her cold, limp body felt in my arms and a chill went through me. “You were gone.”

 

Jayde grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the nightmare and into the relief of reality, “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

I smiled at her, “I believe you.” I ran a hand through my hair, summoning the courage to say the next part. “My brother was there too.”

 

“I didn’t know you had a brother.” Jayde said, confused.

 

I shook my head, “Yeah, I- I don’t talk about him…”

 

“Is he dead?” Jayde pressed carefully.

 

My eyes wandered around the room, and I became vaguely aware that I hadn’t eaten in hours. I wasn’t particularly hungry now given the most recent topic, but I wanted a little bit longer to prepare myself for this. “Why don’t we discuss this over some dinner? And possibly some alcohol…” I suggested. Jayde looked at me warily but relented.

 

We got dressed and Jayde closed the doors to the balcony to shut out the cold while I filled the fireplace with fresh timber to light when we get back. Jayde kept eyeing me curiously, probably trying to guess what explanation I was going to give her about my brother. I started wishing that it was something glamorous like he was a hero that was lost in action or sacrificed himself for the greater good. Immediately I felt ashamed for wanting that. There were people around me who actually had to deal with that. Jayde was one of them, her younger brother dying while protecting his family. I no longer wanted to indulge in fantasies of heroism for Ruben. The whole point now was to face the truth no matter how crippling it felt.

 

Jayde grabbed my coat off the floor. “It’s cold, love.” She told me, helping me put it on.

 

A smile creeped through my trepidation. “Thank you.” I said, giving her a kiss. “I love you.” It felt so right, and I’d never get tired of saying it.

 

She straightened out my coat, pulling my hair free and brushing it out over my shoulders. “I love you, too.” Jayde replied softly, placing a kiss on my forehead.

 

On our way to the tavern the nightlife in Skyhold started to come alive. Some soldiers and refugees flowing in and out of the tavern, huddling around fires and enjoying tankards of ale with their friends. I always enjoyed watching the Inquisition people just be people.

 

Jayde took my hand. “We’re winning this war, you know. Because of you.”

 

“Because of us.” I corrected. “And we haven’t won yet.”

 

“We will. With you leading us.” Jayde must have seen my hesitation because she added, “You’ve gotten us this far. That has to count for something.”

 

I laughed a little, “Maybe you’re right.” Regardless of how I feel about my capabilities, I’ll fight with everything I have. It’s mostly worked so far.

 

Once in the tavern we sat down at a table in the corner and ordered a couple plates of food with some ale. I thought back to the day I met her, when this place was barely anything but an old rundown building full of rotting wood and cobwebs. When we sat together, and she told me I was more than just my mark. The memory comforted me. Now Jayde waited patiently as I prepared myself, forcing food down my throat for the sake of sustaining my body’s needs even though I felt rather nauseous. Jayde poked at her plate absently with a knife, focusing more on reading me. She didn’t push me to talk, just watched me with both concern and curiosity. I was getting the impression that she didn’t know what to expect.

 

I pushed my plate aside and decided to just grab the bull by the horns. “Ruben… is my older brother by five years.” I started with the basics, “He left home to train for battle about a year before I went to the circle. That was the last I saw him.”

 

I was tempted to just leave it at that, but I couldn’t. “When we were little, and we would play, he would be, um… Really rough with me. I guess my parents just assumed it was because he didn’t understand that I was younger and smaller. They scolded him a few times and they thought that was that. But Ruben learned how to be more discreet about it. So as the years went on I became ‘clumsy’ or a neighborhood bully would be blamed. More often though it would be places on me where the bruises could be easily hidden.” My hands began shaking, the image of him that the demon conjured still fresh in my mind.

 

Jayde was very still, her expression horrified as she processed my words. “I’m sorry I’ve never told you this.” I said quickly, almost feeling like I betrayed her in some way. “I’ve never told anyone I just- I wanted to forget it, and when he left, and I went to the circle it was almost easy to pretend that Ruben was just a childhood monster I had conjured up in my head.”

 

“Nadya, you don’t ever have to apologize for that.” Jayde said slowly, taking my hand, “You really never told anyone about this while it was happening? Not even your parents?”

 

I shook my head. “No… I was afraid of him. He warned me a couple times not to say anything. I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal.”

 

I saw Jayde’s jaw twitch and she closed her eyes for a moment. When they reopened I saw a furious fire flare up inside them. If that glare was directed at me I would’ve been terrified. “Is he still alive?” She asked with a surprising calmness.

 

“I honestly don’t know.” I answered.

 

“If he is, do you think he would try to come here? Who you are isn’t exactly a secret, he must’ve heard.” She pointed out.

 

“I don’t know…” I couldn’t pretend like I wasn’t afraid of that possibility.

 

Sensing my struggle, Jayde softened up a bit, her thumb stroking the back of my hand gently. “You know there’s no way I will ever let him near you again, right?”

 

I knew she was serious, and I actually felt safe and relieved for a few seconds, but then guilt bubbled up in my chest again. “Maybe he’s different now. He was practically a child when he did those things, its been a long time…”

 

Jayde shook her head, “No, people don’t just grow out of that despicable behavior. Especially if they go off and learn to be more violent.”

 

I nodded, knowing she was right. I stared blankly into my cup, watching the light from the torches reflecting off the amber liquid. I began moving the tankard in small circular motions, watching the ale swirl in the direction I chose. I had no interest in drinking it, though I wish I had. I could understand why people drank to ease the demons in their mind, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At least not right now.

 

“Nadya.” Jayde called softly, drawing my attention back to her. There wasn’t any anger or pity in her eyes, only patience and kindness. How she could go from borderline murderous to that in the span of a couple minutes kind of impressed me. It also made my restless fear reduce to burning coals instead of the raging fire that threatened to consume me whenever I thought about the things that scared me most.

 

“Your brother may have done awful things to you. He hurt you. He tried to make you small and break you down, but he does not hold any power over you because you are stronger than he will  _ever_ be.” Jayde said.

 

“Sometimes I’m not so sure about that…” I replied, laughing a little.

 

“I am.” She told me with an unbreakable confidence. “You are the strongest person I know.”

 

I blinked, genuinely surprised because I often thought that about _her_. Jayde saw my apparent confusion and she continued. “Nadya, you are so critical of yourself… You told me it was okay to be afraid. Its okay for you to admit your value. You’re enough for all the people here, you should be enough for yourself.”

 

The noise of the tavern seemed to fade away as I only heard her; her voice, her words. “I will always have your back and I will always protect you, but you should know that you don’t need me. You are fully capable of taking care of yourself. You don’t ever have to do anything alone, but you should know your strength.”

 

I stared at Jayde for a long time in shock and awe. As her words soaked into my mind, I was confused as to why I was so surprised. She’s right, I am strong. There were many times in my life where I wasn’t sure I could make it through to another day, but I always did. I looked around me, glancing at all the people here. They were all here fighting by my side, believing in me like Jayde does. I helped them get here. They gave me a chance and I gave them one too. So far it was paying off.

 

I met Jayde’s gaze again, feeling like I could drown in her stormy sea eyes reflecting the candle light that was illuminating her beauty, “You really are something else, aren’t you?” I finally uttered with a smile.

 

A light chuckle escaped Jayde’s lips. “I’ve been called worse things.” She joked.

 

I laughed, fairly certain that was true. “Seriously though,” I played with her fingers and traced my thumb along the curve of her wrist. “Thank you.”

 

“There’s no need to thank me. Just know that if Ruben is stupid enough to ever set foot in Skyhold he won’t find the meek girl he’ll be expecting to find.” Jayde said.

 

“You’re right.” I nodded, then leaned across the table to kiss her. Jayde met me halfway, her lips tasted of the bitter alcohol I’d barely touched. Tasting it on her made me enjoy it more.

 

“Now,” Jayde started when she pulled away, “Cabot promised me a small crate full of empty bottles and I’m going to throw them off the side of the castle. Care to join me?”

 

“You’re going to do what?” I asked.

 

“Throwing things is fun. Throwing things off really tall buildings is more fun. Don’t worry we won’t be hitting anyone,” Then she muttered to herself, “As much as I would like to use a couple annoying people as target practice.”

 

I began laughing at the thought. “You drive a hard bargain…”

 

Jayde raised her eyebrows, awaiting my verdict. The corner of my mouth curled up in a crooked grin, “Let’s go.” I said.

 

Cabot was happy to be rid of the empty bottles and didn’t give the slightest thought to why we wanted them. My quarters were the highest point in Skyhold so we lugged our bounty there, the bottles clinking against themselves as the box hit the stone floor of the balcony. One after the other we threw the bottles off the side. The light from the moons glinting off the glass helped us track their descent. Some would disappear completely over the sheer cliffs, but we occasionally heard the faintest shattering when one connected with the rocks. It all was oddly satisfying, throwing something with all my might and to be rewarded with a shatter. It helped release some of my frustration and I wondered if that was Jayde’s goal.

 

With both of us enjoying ourselves, we began a contest to see who could throw the farthest with the most accuracy. I knew Jayde was more proficient in this skill than I was, so I tried to gain the upper hand by coming up behind her, whispering things in her ear. It was shameless cheating, but I couldn’t resist especially when it was so easy to distract her. She faltered slightly, but her aim was still true. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me, continuing to whisper sweet nothings to her, letting my hands begin to roam. With that our game was forgotten as she turned around in my arms and backed me into the wall, kissing me senseless. We didn’t make it to the bed at first, instead getting tangled in each other in front of the fireplace, which thankfully I lit before our bottle throwing fun. We eventually crawled into bed, but I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off of her. Jayde must’ve felt the same, her lips and fingertips memorizing every inch of my body. Making me gasp and laugh and moan.

 

As we fell asleep in each other’s arms later on, Jayde told me again that she loved me. I never really imagined myself having something like this. Feeling it brighten up my soul like it did almost made it seem like an imaginative dream. I almost lost her. Having Jayde here now, her heart beating in time with mine, was the best thing I could ever allow myself to have. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very nearly lost this entire chapter when my computer decided to pull some fuckery but thankfully I recovered it! thanks to everyone who reads and I always love comments!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be afraid to leave comments or come say hi to me on tumblr! my url is nightbloodjyn :)


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